Two glasses of wine

The dawn of the internet era and the rise of ‘honest’ parenting being available for all to see, has seen (in my opinion,) the evolution of The Wine O’ Clock Mum come full circle. I’m certain it’s always been there-my nan enjoyed a large brandy once her brood (of NINE! WTF nan, how did you even…?!) were in bed (the little ones,) or off down ‘Spin A Disc’ (the hangout of choice for the older ones.) My mum enjoyed a sherry (the only thing I judge there mum, is that sherry is VILE, but I’ll let you off, Prosecco wasn’t a thing then.) and I’m sure they sometimes (gasp,) had more than one, and I know from the stories they’ve told me, that they both had friends who knocked it back during ‘working hours’ too.

They didn’t have large whatsapp groups to post pictures of themselves at 7.01pm, holding a large glass, with thumb well and truly up. They didn’t have blogs to read, that told them that all the other mums were doing it too, so it was ok. They just did it, and probably poured another while dutifully getting dinner on the table, and sighing about what was in store for them the next day.

What the internet has done is:

1. Make it known that other mums found being a parent a bit hard.

2. Make it ok to want to reach for the wine at the end of the day.

3. Make it divisive-it’s ok apparently to openly call these parents out for being ‘slummy,’ and to put those who don’t choose the same end of day treat, into a different category.

4. Turn it into a cliché-the ‘war cry’ of the pissed off/tired/stressed/delete as appropriate mum. Enjoying wine as a parent, is apparently different to enjoying it when you aren’t.

I recently saw an advert looking for a parent to write a (click bait, troll inciting) article on why the end of day roll call of the parent shouldn’t be to reach for the wine-it wanted the writer to explore how life has come to this, and why it’s wrong. Why has it become such a cliché.

Well, I for one, love wine. I did before I had children-in a wine tasting holiday to the south of France kind of way. In a going to the pub after work kind of way. In the taking the edge off a stressful and shitty day at work kind of way. Nobody however, ever turned that into a cliché-it was just normal, and nobody ever gave it a second thought.

I have a grievance with these ordinary things, that you do all the time before you have children, being turned into something entirely different once they’re here. What’s the difference in a pre children instagram snap of me and my friends drinking after work, to one of me as a non working parent, drinking with my non working parent friends? It’s not always a ‘look what they’ve driven us too Lol!’ or ‘look, wine time before bedtime #badmum!’ It can be quite simply, ‘oooh, I’m going to sit down, now it’s quiet, and have a lovely glass of cold wine,’ like I used to after work. Like my parents still do now.

For me, I savour my husband flitting in from work and taking over bedtime, having the quickest shower, so that I can get into my pyjamas, and enjoy that lovely Gin and tonic-that is nothing to do with my children’s behaviour, or trying to be part of some post bedtime alcohol club-just simply because I like Gin.

I don’t do it to be cool, I don’t do it to try and put myself into some sort of parenting category. I don’t even do it every day-sometimes I have a herbal tea and go for a run instead. My appreciation of alcohol, and the fact that I’m a parent, are completely separate things. I am not the Wine’ O Clock cliché that the internet would have everyone believe, I’m just someone who appreciates good wine, who happens to be a parent.

Sales. Salesman on his phone.

Sales. Salesman on his phone

We’ve been having loads of work done to our house recently. It has required lots of people coming in to give us quotes, and a lot of sales pitches being thrown our way. Last week, this absolute gem of a sales pitch happened-I think it’s fair to say that it was a pure showcase of how to suck at sales! For no reason other than my own amusement, I’ve decided to present it to you in the form of a play script. Enjoy!

Synopsis: The main character, Lucy, has been invited out for the morning, with people she doesn’t see very often. She is excited. But her husband has arranged for someone to come and quote for something else to be done to the house. He was supposed to be there to deal with it, but as usual, has naffed off to do something ‘more important,’ (which of course isn’t to sit in his office drinking coffee and watching funny YouTube videos on his phone.) The husband has sent a polite text to the man coming to do the quote, to say that Lucy needs to be gone from the house by a certain time, but is more than sure that this will still give the man plenty of time to do the quote.

Characters:

Jason: Salesman of the year.

Lucy: Frazzled housewife, excited by her unexpected morning outing. A bit flaky.

Lucinda: The voice in Lucy’s head, saying what Lucy ought to be saying.

The husband: Only heard as a voice on the phone.

Extras: Two small boys, no real part other than making a massive mess in the front room.

Setting the scene: The doorbell rings. Lucy jumps up to answer it, pleased that she is dressed, made up, and ready this early. Not pleased that the house is a tip, despite her continued efforts to the contrary. Enter Jason through the front door.

Jason: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jason.

Lucy: Hi! Come in, sorry about the mess! (laughs nervously.) Ok, so we were hoping you could do this (gestures) but upstairs in one of the bedrooms, if that’s ok?

Jason: Alright, do you want to show me?

Both go upstairs. Lucy shows Jason what work she would like done. Jason gives her two options and demands that she make up her mind NOW.

Lucy: It’s hard to decide without my husband here, could you quote for both options please?

Jason: (Huffs and puffs in a dramatic manner. Rolls his eyes HARD, like they’re actually going to roll out of his head. Mutters incoherently.)

Lucy: Oh, I’m really sorry… Ok, don’t quote for both then, um, just the first option will be fine…

Lucinda: Don’t fucking apologise to him-why can’t he quote for both??????

Jason: (with pure venom in his voice) So, do you just want to get out then??? You know, leave me be, because apparently I’m encroaching on YOUR day, YEA????

Lucinda: The FUCK YOU SAY??????????

Lucy: Oh, yea, sure… (scuttles from the room.)

Lucinda: What the fuck is this guys problem?? He seemed fine when he came in, he went from nought to maniac in the space of two seconds.

Upstairs, Jason is on the phone, now loudly complaining about Lucy to whoever is on the other end. Lucy has no idea why. Lucy’s phone rings, it’s the husband seeing how the quote went, and not at all drinking coffee and watching YouTube.

Husband: So, what did he say?

Lucy: (Whispering) I don’t know, he’s still here, and he just ordered me out of my own fucking bedroom really rudely, like, he just turned, it was really weird. And now he’s slagging me off to someone on the phone, and I have no idea why…

Husband: (also whispering) Whaaaaat??? What a dick, I don’t understand???

Lucy: Why are you whispering too? He can’t hear you, he can only hear me.

Husband: Oh yea! I’m whispering because you are.

Lucy: I don’t want him to hear me, I think he’s a bit psycho??

Husband: Tell him to leave

Lucinda: Yea, tell him to fuck off, we definitely won’t be using his company after this, so why let him stay?

Lucy: I don’t want to interrupt him, he might hurt me with his tape measure…?

Husband: Ok, phone me when he’s gone.

Lucy waits nervously for Jason to come downstairs again. When he comes down, he seems pleasant again for a second.

Jason: Ok, I’ll write these up for you, where shall I go?

Lucy points him in the direction of the kitchen.

Lucy: Sooooo, will you email the quotes to us later…?

Jason: (Suddenly looks venomous again.) NOPE.

Lucinda: This guy is definitely a psycho, retreat, retreat.

Jason is in the kitchen for ages, despite agreeing with the husband via txt, that he’d write the quotes up and email them, so that Lucy can go out. Lucy waits for as long as possible, beginning to wonder if Jason is deliberately taking ages because he has been told she needs to be somewhere… In the end, after now being phenomenally late, she asks him politely to leave.

Lucy: Errrr, I’m so sorry…

Lucinda: STOP fucking apologising!!!!!!!!

Lucy: But, um, if you could email us the quotes later, I’d be really grateful. I actually need to be somewhere else now…

Jason: (Looks at Lucy like he’d like to shoot her in the head. Starts angrily throwing things into a bag. Huffs and puffs, and in a final dramatic flourish, wordlessly pushes past her, and STOMPS down the hallway-deliberately banging into things-and slams the door behind him. He slams it so hard the house shakes, and the extras are momentarily distracted from mess making and rendered terrified.)

Lucy’s anxiety is at fever pitch.

Lucinda: Why can’t I get the ‘choose life’ speech from Trainspotting out of my head? Except I’m replacing everything with ‘choose not to be a twat, Jason.’ ‘Choose a job you like, Jason, choose a career you like, Jason. Choose not to come into someone’s home and make them feel uncomfortable, Jason…’ Such a great monologue that. Although, I actually think the monologue from Trainspotting 2 was better, but it was a shitter film… I’m digressing. He totally sucked at his job by the way…

End of scene. Lucy is a mixture of anxious and bemused, still wondering how Jason intended to get the quotes to her, as he had stomped from the house without answering her question. She wonders whether he was actually a salesman at all, maybe he was just a random posing as one. In any case, he totally showcased How To Suck At Sales!

 

waiting to use the toilet with orlistat

Have you heard of Orlistat? If you haven’t, here’s a treat! If you have, poor you…

I haven’t updated my ‘Cysters Are Doing It For Themselves’ series for ages. This isn’t because I fell off the wagon, walking around with carbs and dairy dangling from every orifice, or chucked my gym shoes in the bin for being completely unhelpful in my bid for unfattydom (not a word, but I like it.) It’s partly down to laziness-I had big plans to type up recipes, and buoy up my fellow Cysters with tribal hollers of ‘we can fucking do this,’ whilst getting a hashtag trending, about empowering PCOS losers (in the weight loss capacity obvs,) to carry on the ‘fight’ and the ‘journey,’ and other empowerment buzzwords. But I lost impetus, and also went a bit batshit and needed a break from writing. It was also mainly because I had nothing much to add, as after the initial loss of 28lbs, there have been about three months where I’ve lost nothing.

Nada. Sweet FA. I’d tried moving the scales around the house, in the hope that one room would hold some voodoo power, and tell me I weighed less. I’d imagine weightlessness (jeez, the desperation,) when weighing myself, and try and lift all my bodyweight towards the ceiling. I even announced them to be ‘fucking faulty,’ and got myself weighed properly, only to have a tantrum of frustration to be told they were, in fact, correct.

So off I trot to the GP, to see if there is any straw clutching thing that can be done. And she prescribed Orlistat. If you don’t know what this is, it basically takes 1/3 of the fat you eat, liquefies it into fluorescent orange oil, and you crap it from your body. I know.

I sat there as she prescribed it, half devastated that this was the only option left to me (because my diet isn’t that fatty right?? I don’t need them, they’re pointless, right??) and half smug that I wouldn’t be shitting the contents of a room full of 80’s disco goers clothes, because my diet is so fucking good.

I tried to be optimistic. At best, the tablets would take whatever fat got through my diet barrier, and would help, at worst, I might get a slightly grumbly stomach (which happens if you aren’t eating enough fat, apparently.) It turns out that Orlistat doesn’t like salmon. It doesn’t like avocado. It doesn’t seem to like you cooking anything with olive oil. It waits like the omnipresent predator that is, and liquefies the tiniest bit of fat that happens upon its evil clutches, and evacuates if from your body before you can scream ‘SHART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Every single meal became a silent prayer for my sphincter muscles to brace. I needed to stick a military training officer up there to scream at it to toughen the hell up. If I needed to go, I had to GO GO GO. And getting there in time was the easy part-imagine your entire south region then being covered with an oily lava, that just won’t for the love of GOD, come off. ‘Why are you in the shower again mummy??’ became the biggest FAQ of every day.

I’m actually happy with my diet as it is, and I feel pretty unwilling to cut out anything more (haven’t I already lost enough-cheese, I really fucking miss you. Never has anyone understood me more.)  If I cut out the remaining good fats from my diet, I’ll basically be living on nuts, raw vegetables, and despair. Imagine if I ate a McDonalds with these bastards??? I’d illuminate the whole of Bristol with fluorescent lava, in one tiny bum pump.

Enough, I’m not taking them (although interestingly, after the first five days, the scales did finally shift in the right direction by 3lbs.) But I already have to wear a pad for body combat, because of the likelihood I’ll roundhouse, punch, and piss myself. Double incontinence at 34 is not on my bucket list, I don’t have time for this (literal) shit. If I continue like this, you might as well check me into a care home, write my care plans for my double incontinence, and call me Mildred. Orlistat, it’s been a blast (from my ass at least,) but I don’t wish to form any long lasting partnership here. Off you trot back to Satan’s asshole, or wherever it was you came from.

 

 

lodge at bluestone

If you read my post last year, about our holiday to Bluestone, you will know how much the whole family loved it there. You can imagine how excited I was when we booked to go again this year, and I was then contacted by the Bluestone Bloggers programme, to see if I wanted to stay for a week as part of the programme-the week they offered, happened to be the week after we had already booked. So with a massive ‘yes,’ we decided that we’d stay for two weeks. We have never been away for two weeks with the children yet. We were worried. We thought it might be too much. We thought that two weeks worth of entertaining the children may have pushed us over the edge. None of that happened, because even after two weeks, we didn’t want to come home…

So what is Bluestone A selection of gorgeous lodges, in beautiful Pembrokeshire forest land. A tranquil, back to nature holiday camp, appealing heavily to the outdoorsy. It has everything you need on it’s car free site-a shop, restaurants, and a shed load of activities. For me personally, it’s a pretty unbeatable holiday destination…

Check in: This is easy-drive up to a check in booth, and do it all from the car. You can get early check in, meaning you can enter your lodge at 3pm, otherwise it’s 4.30pm. However, you can be on site from 11am, so we arrived around lunchtime, and I had a bag with me, full of stuff we might need, to last us until we could get in, and we had all the keys/info with us already.

outdoors at bluestone

 

Golf buggies/bikes: Get a golf buggy! Ok, if you’re into fitness, and enjoy cycling, you can hire bikes and cycle around, but our children just loved being driven around in the golf buggy-it’s a fun and handy way to get around, and it became an evening post dinner ritual that we’d go ‘out for a drive’ and find somewhere to stop/play for a while, before bedtime.

The lodges: We had a 3 bedroom lodge last year, which was HUGE, and the third bedroom (which is downstairs,) was a waste of time and money, when the children decided they were going to share a room! So this time we had a 2 bedroom Skomer lodge, which has 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms downstairs, and a large open plan living area upstairs. I won’t lie, it took a while to get used to the upside down living, and I prefer to sleep upstairs, but that is completely personal preference! The lodge was really spacious, decorated in lovely muted greens/taupes/beiges, which matched the lovely forest surroundings. My only criticism is that the fridge and freezer were tiny-we took a weeks worth of shopping with us, and couldn’t fit it all in, we had to decide what we were going to leave out/use quickly, and even throw away. Again, that’s personal preference, because I presume most people would only use it for essentials, and eat out a lot. But as I was trying to be a killjoy stick to my PCOS diet, I wanted to make my own food most nights.

The food on site: There’s several places to choose from to eat, on site. There’s the Wildwood Cafe in the Adventure Centre, which we didn’t try, but heard really good things about! There is also the Knight’s Tafarn-made to look like a traditional pub, serving traditional pub food. I expected it to be just ok here (I had a salad,) but the food was amazing, and everyone with us, said that they were also equally impressed.

Oak Tree restaurant was our favourite place-I allowed myself one evening of carbing it up, and I have to say, it was probably the best pizza I’ve ever eaten-and I don’t say that lightly!! My brother, who is a very snobby foodie (he’d hate me for that, but it’s true,) said that his pasta dish was the best one he’s ever eaten too. This place is awesome!

There’s also The Farmhouse Grill, which we didn’t try, and Ty Coffi, which sold brilliant coffee, cakes, and my children would definitely vouch for the quality of the ice cream!

The best place to eat, for me, by far, was Camp Smokey. Right in the depths of the forest, this beautiful rustic area serves pretty basic BBQ food, while playing country music, and has the bonus of an outdoor fire pit for toasting your smores! It was an every afternoon occurrence for us, where we’d arrive back from wherever we’d been, and head straight to Camp Smokey for beer and wine for me and Mr W, and smores for the littles. A brilliant atmosphere, and something that makes Bluestone really special! There’s also a nightly shindig held there-sing for your dinner, and dance away!!

outdoors at bluestone

The activities: There’s a very handy play area/parks in the middle of the pub/restaurants, where you can quite easily see the children playing from the outdoor eating areas, or are welcome to take drinks in a plastic cup, in with you (bonus.)

The activitiy centre has a massive indoor climbing area, slides, ball pits, bouncy castle, soft play-everything you need for entertaining on a rainy day. There are loads of structured group activities, both indoor and out (some payable,) if that’s something of interest to you!

The Blue Lagoon swimming pool is loads of fun, with 3 different pools, to span all age/ability levels! The waves in the main pool are loads of fun! The slides look awesome, but we didn’t get to try them because we couldn’t leave our little non swimmers with just one adult.

Bluestone is an amazing base to explore the local area from-it really has some of the best beaches I’ve ever seen (I defy anyone not to be blown away by Barafundle Bay!) Here is a list of the things and days out that we (all!!) genuinely loved, while we were there:

Barafundle Bay: Not buggy accessible-you park in the nearby car park, then walk a steep flight of steps, across a cliff edge, and down more steps to the beach-be prepared to carry your things/children. Also no toilets/life guards, but it’s… just… stunning!!

Tenby/Castle beach: Tenby is a gorgeous town, one of the prettiest I know! And the beach is also gorgeous.

outdoors at bluestone

 

Folly Farm: A brilliant animal/vintage fun fair/park adventure, and currently the number one attraction in Pembrokeshire according to trip advisor!

Pembroke Castle: I thought mine (3and 4) were going to be too young for this, but they marched around every room, and loved it! Great grounds for a rest/picnic too!

Pembrokeshire Falconry: We booked an owl experience here, where the children got to fly the owls by themselves-they were completely entranced/in awe!! It was just us, and the handler, who was really knowledgable and great with the children.

Picton Castle and gardens: This is where the falconry experience was held, but another lovely castle and garden to look at.

The Dinosaur Park: This was my children’s FAVOURITE! A brilliant dinosaur ‘safari,’ and dinosaur trails through the woods, and there’s also loads of rides-which are all free once you’ve paid to get in. The children asked to go every day, once we’d been!

Bluestone, you were epic. We were sad to leave, but will absolutely be back.