Mums Are Always Right

In a city in southern England, there lived a woman. She was the wife of a Keifer Sutherland lookalike, and slave to the role of parent, and no-one ever fucking listened to a word she said. Especially partial to totally ignoring anything she had to say, was the Keifer Sutherland she cohabited with, and the wise old elders with whom he had cohabited before her.

After spending billions of hours with her children, the woman felt she knew them best. She had developed complicated algorithms to parent by, in order to minimise them being total and utter assholes, all scientific and shit.

She knew that you NEVER point jovially out of the car window to point out something fun, because it’s guaranteed that at least one child would miss it, and spend the remainder of the journey demanding that you turn around so that they can see it. They will take their seat belts off and make random blackmails like ‘if you don’t turn around, I’ll scratch my bum, wipe it in your face, and throw Star Wars toys all over your bedroom floor when we get home,’ because they’re narcissistic dictators and life revolves around them. Once you’ve stopped to put their seat belts back on, to minimise risk of death, you end up turning around to show them the squirrel licking its nuts (freshly picked from the floor of course) that you thought would make them laugh at the time, and they will get their own way. They knew risk of death would make this happen, so the mum knew never to point out anything funny or unusual in the first place.

She knew never to go on long car journeys after lunchtime, because the complicated algorithms she had spent hours tearing her hair out over, stated quite clearly that being in the car after lunchtime was tantamount to giving children sedatives, and they would most definitely fall straight to sleep. Falling asleep at this time was banned, as the mum had years of experience to have developed the equation that: Children over 3 years of age sleeping in the car after lunchtime=no sleep in the evening and drunken behaviour=no wine and Netflix time for the mum and Keifer Sutherland lookalike.

She also knew that her children refused to walk anywhere, and loved the idea of riding their bikes, but fell out of love with actually riding them, approximately 5.7 seconds after getting on them.

(5.7 seconds later, fuck this shit, I’m getting off.)

So when the wise old elders with whom the Keifer Sutherland lookalike previously cohabited with, demanded that the mum, the Keifer Sutherland lookalike, and their offspring meet them at a place requiring a long post lunchtime drive home, where the paths were unsuitable for pushchairs, but did have an area for riding bikes, the mum consulted her Phd in Looking After Her Own Children, perused her complicated algorithms, scratched her head, and announced: ‘No, we can’t do that, because the children will fall asleep on the way home, you’ll become grumpy Keifer Sutherland lookalike, when they don’t fall asleep at the allotted bedtime, and behave like drunks who have been arrested. Furthermore, they will ask to get off their bikes after 5.7 seconds, and as the paths are unsuitable for pushchairs, I foresee that we will end up carrying them, and their bikes, and it will be no fun for anyone.’

The mum didn’t make these bold statements to be a Kelly Killjoy, she did it for the greater good of the family, and with everyone’s happiness in mind, and because she knew she was fucking right. But the Keifer Sutherland lookalike and the wise old elders said she was, in fact, a Kelly Killjoy, and she could shove her algorithms up her ass.

So off they trundled, and within minutes of arriving at their destination, the mum was not surprised to find that the children, as predicted, became bored of their bikes within 5.7 seconds, and refused to walk-insisting on being carried.

The mum smugly announced ‘well, as nobody listened to me, when I knew I was right, I’m not carrying anyone, or anything-you’re on your own, all of you.’ With belligerence that her drunk tired toddlers would be proud of, the mum lagged behind the Keifer Sutherland lookalike and the (not so) wise elders with whom he cohabited before, and smirked while watching them carry two toddlers, and two bikes between them. She resisted the urge to howl and cackle, and repeatedly shout I Told You So. It was a very satisfying moment.

Of course, on the way home, the children fell victim to the sedatives that the car apparently emits, and fell asleep. With further smugness, the mum announced to the Keifer Sutherland lookalike that he could deal with the drunk tired toddlers later on, while they were refusing to go to sleep at their allotted time, as he had poo poo’d her four years of military style training in order to gain the knowledge that meant she would always know best when it came to the children.

Later on, listening to him deal with the toddlers, while drinking wine and watching Netflix, the mum felt positively euphoric, like she never had before-this was turning into a very good day. And, he actually apologised later on that night, for thinking that her Phd in Looking After Her Own children, was not in fact, a valid or useful qualification. That never happens!

The moral of the story is: Women and mums are always right-that is all.

Have you fallen victim to #nooneeverfucking listens, when you know that you are right? Let me know in the comments below. #noonelistens #imalwaysright.

 

*my new post on attempting to kick some PCOS ass is now on the blog! I will be updating this page midweek, every week.

52 Comments

  1. January 16, 2017 / 7:50 am

    THIS has brightened up my Monday morning! Hilariously written and yes, Mums are always right! Haha xx

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 8:26 am

      Thank you so much-I’m glad to have brought some cheer to this dismal Monday morning!! X

  2. January 16, 2017 / 8:48 am

    They are always right! I’m 33 and I still ask my mom what to do 😀 #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 10:01 am

      They’re always right-no arguments!!

  3. January 16, 2017 / 9:12 am

    You are always right – even I know that so quite how the keifer sutherland lookalike doesn’t quite yet know is baffling! This is so so funny and I really hope that the children acted severely drunk at bedtime whilst you sipped indulgently on a very large glass of wine! #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 10:00 am

      I KNOW!!! He never learns, seriously!!!! I did, I left it all to him, and basked in my ‘Im right’ glory!! X

  4. January 16, 2017 / 9:13 am

    Bang on. I hate to say it to my Mum cus she revels in it, but she’s always right, goddamn it. But then, I’m a Mum so that means I’m always right too?
    PS. Love Kelly Killjoy!
    bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 9:59 am

      Definitely-when it comes to your own, you will ALWAYS be right!!

  5. January 16, 2017 / 9:19 am

    haha this is so funny! I am glad that the mum still got her Netflix time and left it to her man to deal with lol #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 9:57 am

      He absolutely deserved it…! X

  6. January 16, 2017 / 9:23 am

    As a Mum of course you know your children best, you have learned the hard way what certain actions will result in, for anyone to argue with you on this is an insult! I make a point of never disagreeing with another Mum on their children no matter what I think. #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 9:57 am

      Absolutely!! I’ve been with them 24/7 for 4 years-it’s definitely an insult when someone assures you they know better than you!

  7. January 16, 2017 / 9:29 am

    Hahaha this is bloody hilarious! Got some odd looks on the train this morning 😂 #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 9:56 am

      Hehe!! I’m glad it’s given you a chuckle!! X

  8. January 16, 2017 / 9:43 am

    I loved this so much! I get this quite a lot, and like you, am also smug and avoidery of the aftermath. I have now trained my husband and some of the elders in the ways of the educated, but some are yet to fall into line! 😉 After 6 years of it though, most have learned to listen to me! Thanks for being my fab co-hostess! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 9:55 am

      Training them well you are, oh wise one!! There’s nothing quite like the smugness of it dawning on everyone that you were totally right in the first place!! Xx

  9. January 16, 2017 / 10:08 am

    A very funny twist on a situation I know I all too well! People often look at me like I’m having a psychotic episode when I limit afternoon car journeys to no longer than 25 minutes! i wonder if I’ll still be this intuitive once I return to work or if I’ll suddenly become as clueless as everyone else?
    Great post #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 1:11 pm

      Thanks! You’ll always be intuitive-you will ALWAYS know best!

  10. January 16, 2017 / 10:13 am

    Thank you! Oh yes, this is true. Too true. So true it’s hilarious and I’m crying a bit. Mwah to Mom’s all over who are #GoddamnedRight #BigPinkLink xo

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 1:12 pm

      Haha!! Yes, we all need to stay #goddamnedright, because we flipping are!!

  11. January 16, 2017 / 10:35 am

    This is so funny. And so, so true!!!! Haha. Love it, sorry i can’t be more eloquent than that! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 10:48 am

      I’m glad it has made you laugh!! Are you still feeling quite exhausted? Xx

  12. January 16, 2017 / 10:42 am

    Haha! This is all so true! I think I would be enjoying the Netflix and wine if that was me as well 😂 They just need to learn we are always right! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 1:12 pm

      They do!! It seems to be taking some longer than others though…!!

  13. January 16, 2017 / 12:05 pm

    hahaha this post is BRILLIANT! I’m still laughing. Well done. Glad you enjoyed your wine and Netflix! #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 1:13 pm

      I’m glad you liked it!!

  14. January 16, 2017 / 12:28 pm

    This is brilliant! I totally agree and I’m forever telling people things like this about my daughter but do they listen? No. Especially her dad who seems to think he knows best. So now I just laugh and ignore my phone when ultimately I am proven right! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 1:13 pm

      Bahahaha, it’s such a great feeling…!!

  15. January 16, 2017 / 1:55 pm

    Ha ha ha, this is brilliant. I love the way you’ve told this. Especially like the caption of buying on the bike for 5.7 seconds. That is bloody annoying when people challenge your hard fought for wisdom on these matters. I am sure that you didn’t gloat, but I hope you did 😉 #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:11 pm

      I flipping well did!!!!! I’m glad you liked it xx

  16. January 16, 2017 / 2:02 pm

    I’m glad i’m not the only one who refuses to point out interesting things to the kids when driving because one of them always misses it and we spend the rest of the journey consoling them! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:12 pm

      Oh good, I’m really glad it’s not just me as well!!

  17. January 16, 2017 / 2:18 pm

    This is actually hilarious!! I applaud your bravery at having written this when the Keifer Sutherlamd lookalike and wise old elders could read it at any time!! But then, #noonefuckinglistens so I guess they wouldn’t read this either?!! 😂 Thanks for giving me this fab afternoon chuckle via #BigPinkLink xxx

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:14 pm

      Ha!! Well the Keifer Sutherland had it pop up on his Facebook feed, but did say he thought it was funny! The wise old elders have not been told of the blog’s name, as the mum does not wish for them to read any of it…!!

  18. January 16, 2017 / 2:38 pm

    Hooray for this post! High five lady 🙂

    #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:14 pm

      Right back at ya!!

  19. January 16, 2017 / 3:18 pm

    Hilarious post! Could identify with every single moment of this. I am so glad that you point blank refused to help carry the bikes etc and that you did not abandon your plan of wine and Netflix! That will teach him – even Keifer can’t get it right all the time. The best thing of course is that you can dine out on this story for ever and a day and every time he questions your algorithms you can say smugly “Do you remember that time when…..”#bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:16 pm

      Exactly, that’s such a good point!! I don’t very often stick to my guns, but I was absolutely livid about my opinion being totally overlooked!!

  20. January 16, 2017 / 4:01 pm

    I’ve just been laughing out loud to this! Thank you so much for brightening up my Monday. You are so, so right mamma! We can predict the future. We are Goddesses #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:16 pm

      Ooh, we totally are!!! I’m glad I’ve cheered up this miserable Monday for you!

  21. January 16, 2017 / 4:12 pm

    Hehehe this happens all. the. time. in our hosue!! I always give in and go along with the plans I’ve warned against, and then inevitably regret it because it all goes exactly as I had predicted! Aaaargh! Great piece of writing – really made me chuckle! #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:18 pm

      It’s infuriating isn’t it?! That was the last time I’ll ever have my thoughts on something overthrown!!

  22. January 16, 2017 / 4:27 pm

    This is brilliant post. Such a good take on an anecdote about inlaws being annoying and you, naturally, being proved right as the person who knows your children best. I loved it. My Outlaws don’t ever seem to care about messing with my algorithms as they know that they are not going to be the ones who have to deal with the ‘drunken’ chaotic outcome. I really relate to this. #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:19 pm

      I’m glad you can identify with similar outlaws… Grrrr…!!!!! We do know best, and shouldn’t be told otherwise!!

  23. January 16, 2017 / 4:38 pm

    Yes! The amount of times I’ve had to hold back a ‘told you so’ after Hubs has gone ‘oh, it’ll be alright!’ Brilliant!

    #bigpinlink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:20 pm

      Let it out, let it out!! I’m going to be full of I Told You So’s from now on!!

  24. January 16, 2017 / 5:26 pm

    Ha ha that’l teach ’em!! Maybe next time they’ll listen, probably not though. 🙂 #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:21 pm

      I seriously doubt it…!!

  25. January 16, 2017 / 6:39 pm

    Damn straight we are! Even when we are wrong! pinned! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 16, 2017 / 6:47 pm

      We are never wrong…!

  26. January 18, 2017 / 1:28 pm

    OMG this is fab! It made me LOL. I often fall victim to #nooneeverfuckinglistens #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      January 18, 2017 / 1:31 pm

      It’s a bloody nuisance isn’t it?! Especially, when you know without any doubt whatsoever, that YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!!

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