A Little Ray of Sunshine…

ray of sunshine

I think I definitely started this year off on the wrong foot. My first post of the new year was all about how unhappy I am with my weight, and my post baby body, and although I was unhappy with it over the Christmas period, I was distracted from it by how busy everything was, and how much fun I was having. But of course, there’s nothing like Dreaded January, to magnify your blues, and mock you with the extra pounds of Baileys weight being sported by each hip. January stands there guffawing as you cry over your bank statement, and reminds you how far away you are from a hint of sunshine by raining all over you every time you leave the house. January got me hard!

January also marks the anniversary of something that happened a year ago, which I now call my Bridget Jones moment. You know, the moment Bridget turns up at a party having been told its fancy dress, and nobody else is in fancy dress. That wasn’t what actually happened, but that is how I felt, and there was a party involved. It’s a fairly tragic tale, that I won’t go into now, but give me a shout if you wish to hear it, I’m quite happy to tell you! Anyway, thanks to social media, a load of pictures from the party showed up, (social media loves an anniversary!) and although I look ok in the pictures, how I felt at the time was a whole different story, and seeing them pop up again just made me feel quite sad. The people involved in the Bridget Jones moment were some of my oldest friends, and I’ve previously blogged about how sad I am about the break down of our relationship, seemingly because I had children, and their indifference towards my children, which cuts me like a blunt machete, leaving me spurting out hurt and pain, and dressing a very painful wound. The Bridget Jones moment was my last ditch attempt at attending something I knew they’d be at, to see if anything had changed, or was salvageable. It’s a decision I now of course, regret.

So, on Friday last week, I was grappling with leftover January blues, which were spilling over into February, a resurgence in the feelings of hurt and shock that I’d felt after the Bridget Jones moment, and getting a very reluctant Deep Thinker to nursery. Up a very large hill. On a buggy board. In the aftermath of Storm Imogen…I was also debating my inner struggle with social media. I used it very little prior to blogging, because I considered it a fake snapshot into peoples lives, and I wasn’t tech savvy anyway. I constantly wished I’d been born in the 40’s, whose clothes and shoes I love, and where people had a great time at the local dance on a Saturday and didn’t spend the whole evening checking into Facebook, and defining their lives by how many likes they could get on their pictures of them doing the Jitterbug with Fred from down the road. I now find myself totally immerged in it, because it provides a brilliant platform for my blog, and for meeting other bloggers. This inner struggle had bubbled to the surface again, because the Bridget Jones moment pictures had reminded me again so starkly, of why I disliked social media in the past. I resolved that I must try and find a balance between life, and the desire to check my notifications constantly. I resolved that as soon as Deep Thinker was safely at nursery, I was going to do something really fun with Mini Assassin. Just the two of us (something he has never experienced, this was going to be his first full day alone with me in his entire life.) I was leaving my phone out of the equation.

Once Deep Thinker was wrestled into nursery, and had been talked into realising he was actually going to have the time of his life, me and Mini Assassin trundled off, and I asked him what he wanted he wanted to do. I should’ve known he’d give his default answer-‘park.’ I indicated the current storm, and mentioned every indoor activity I could think of, but ‘park’ was the only answer he was willing to give, and he is well aware that Deep Thinker’s nursery is right next to his favourite park, and he started running towards it. Sod it, I thought. This is his first ever day on his own with me, he can do what he wants. We were both in wet weather clothes, he is a child who doesn’t notice any kind of extreme weather going on around him, if he didn’t care that it was raining, I would try my best, (but be dying inside a little,) not to either.

splashing in rainAs it was 8.30 in the morning, and bucketing with rain, the park was understandably empty of any living soul. From the lack of the usual squirrel army, and mountains of fox poop, even the wildlife had decided they weren’t brave enough to face it. And we had the time of our lives! We rolled in the sandpit, we went on the swings, and the best bit, we rode the zip wire together what must’ve been at least 7.2 million times…! Every time we’d finished, screams of ‘again!! Again!!’ cut through the rain, and every time we hit maximum speed, he turned to look at me. Every time he looked at me, there was a fresh delight on his face that were as if he were doing it for the first time, all over again. It was then that it hit me, and actually took my breath away a little… I was hit by the fact that I spend so much time fretting about how hard being a mum is, and how I never have any time to myself, and how I treat a lot of it as a slog, trying to use humour to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw how I’m channelling too much energy into worrying that my needs aren’t being met, and feeling sad and overly reflective about relationships that are over, and finished, that were with people who are not nice people, who I don’t need in my life anymore. I was too busy with all of that to notice what I have. Right there, in that moment, I had a child whose biggest delight was riding the zip wire over and over with his mummy. He didn’t want, or need anybody else at that second, he only had eyes for me. My little ray of sunshine, through a veil of rain. I had the same feeling when I collected Deep Thinker, who ran at me so hard I fell over, and announced ‘mummy, I missed you sooooooooooo much. And I love you.’ It doesn’t make it any less hard, and it won’t make some days any less of a slog, but it was a moment that provided a fresh perspective, and helped blow away the blues and the demons. I am the centre of somebody’s world, for now, and I need to remember that, and see that every time my babies look at me.

kissing child

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

 

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23 Comments

  1. February 15, 2016 / 9:19 am

    I’m sorry to hear the start of the year has been rough for you. Children I think are the best medicine for most things. My son will always put a smile on my face when I feel down, he’s only 20months and while I miss my pre child life I wouldn’t be without him #bigpinklink

  2. February 15, 2016 / 9:23 am

    Oh this was such a lovely honest post and really tugged at my heart strings. I too have had similar situations which i wish i could just erase with a big life rubber but just coming home and seeing my three little ones just makes everything OK again and puts life in to perspective and helps me remember who I really am and who I really want to be. Great post and fabulous new linky #bigpinklink xx

  3. February 15, 2016 / 10:15 am

    Such a thought provoking post. A real shame your friends behaved like that….I feel really disappointed for you. #bigpinklink

  4. February 15, 2016 / 10:20 am

    Thank you for such a genuine, heartfelt post. It’s really easy to dwell on the rubbish stuff. I know – I do it a lot as well. Sometimes we have to remember those little gems of love and inspiration from our children. #bigpinklink

  5. February 15, 2016 / 10:34 am

    Such a lovely post. We all have those hard times when you are fed up and it can be hard to snap out of it, but little moments like that make up for everything! I love how honestly you’ve written this – a beautiful read x x x#bigpinklink

  6. February 15, 2016 / 10:53 am

    This post really touched me, in fact I am fighting back tears. We are so lucky aren’t we! Yes social media, especially Facebook can be such a competition of the best life, who had the best weekend etc. I only joined Facebook when I started blogging, and I don’t love it. It is good at times, but a little false too. I wrote a post the other day where I got to interview the author of The Latte Years and she talks about letting go of friendships that just don’t work anymore, your post remained me of this. It also made me think Of one of my friendships which has become such hard work, but is hard to let go. Anyway I will ramble forever, great post! #bigpinklink

  7. February 15, 2016 / 11:36 am

    Beautiful blog. Beautifully written and you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. I can really relate to how you describe the way you feel. every day we are feeling a bit down we should take this as our motto “I am the centre of somebody’s world, for now, and I need to remember that, and see that every time my babies look at me.”

  8. February 15, 2016 / 12:32 pm

    That is so true! We over-worry that we tend to forget what is most important is the present and the little people who make it so important! And don’t forget the little people grow up too quickly! Thanks for sharing your beautiful moment! PS I too wish I lived in the time before social media as well. Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

    • February 17, 2016 / 9:37 am

      Coming back to say thanks for linking with #abitofeverything

  9. February 15, 2016 / 12:46 pm

    Sending hugs! It’s horrible when friends just don’t get it. We had a few that didn’t survive the transition from couple about town to parents. You do make new friends though, but it doesn’t stop you missing the others and wishing things had been different.

    Lovely photo. Small person snuggles are the best!

  10. February 15, 2016 / 12:52 pm

    Really lovely piece. Reminds me of something I wrote recently, so I absolutely understand and agree. I hope you enjoy many, many more of these precious moments with your little ones. 😊 x
    #bigpinklink

  11. February 15, 2016 / 12:59 pm

    I really related to this – sometimes even after you think you’ve let something go it’s still there, weighing you down, and stopping you really appreciate what you have in the here and now. x #bigpinklink

  12. February 15, 2016 / 1:40 pm

    This is a wonderful post! I feel the same way…sometimes I worry and grumble so much, I miss the joy of the moment! Sorry about your friends…they seem to come and go…maybe it is time to find some you have more in common with now and take time to relate to you. #bigpinklink

  13. February 15, 2016 / 2:46 pm

    Oh I loved this SO much! How wonderful to find that moment at a time when you so clearly needed it. Life certainly does throw a lot at us and I think friendships dwindling can feel the hardest but I firmly believe that people leave our lives to make space for new people who can offer us something more at that time. You have a wide open gap for some better, more caring friends now, and the more free time you get as the boys get older, the easier it will be to meet these people. And you also have your bloggy friends of course! #bigpinklink (how exciting typing that!!) Thanks for all your help getting this launched.xx

  14. February 15, 2016 / 10:41 pm

    What a beautiful moment between you and your children. Parenting really is tough at times, but moments like that are what us Mum’s live for, thank you for sharing this lovely story #bigpinklink x

    • This Mum's Life
      February 16, 2016 / 4:26 pm

      It was definitely something to keep me going through the horror!! X

  15. February 16, 2016 / 1:03 pm

    Simply stunning, and gave me a little virtual kick up the backside too. January… you have taken far too many of my yesterdays. You shall not have any of my tomorrows!

    Thanks for sharing.
    #abitofeverything x

    • This Mum's Life
      February 16, 2016 / 4:26 pm

      Thanks Dawn, I’m so glad you liked it. Such a great quote too! Xx

  16. February 16, 2016 / 8:43 pm

    This is so well written, and totally true. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the hard days and the things you miss or the people who have let you down. It’s important to savour all the lovely moments of each day with our little ones. #bigpinklink

  17. February 17, 2016 / 8:15 am

    Such a beautiful post, I feel a little misty eyed 🙂 It’s incredible how much strength our kids can give us isn’t it, even though we’re supposed to be the strong ones…!

  18. February 17, 2016 / 11:25 am

    How beautiful.

    Parenting is hard and it never ends. But there are so many wonderful moments or pride and joy that do make the tougher times a little easier to deal with. #bigpinklink

  19. February 17, 2016 / 2:26 pm

    Awwww what a lovely post, I’m sorry to read that you’ve been a bit sad but I loved the last part of your post, I feel your positivity come over and I hope you continue with that throughout the year 🙂 Thanks for linking up! #bestandworst

  20. February 21, 2016 / 6:55 pm

    This is such a beautiful post, thank you for sharing it on #bigpinklink. It’s really hard (maybe even impossible) not to get caught up in social media isn’t it, and I think all bloggers do as you won;t get far without it to be honest! But those precious moments are really what we should be focussing on, thanks for the reminder xx