A Recipe For Disaster

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I’m not much of a baker, I try, because the children love attempting to eat chunks of butter on it’s own, and raw egg, but we’ve had some pretty botched attempts at baking nice things. However, the other day, I came up with a recipe! Here it is, you’re welcome!

Stuff You’ll Need:

About 60 tired, hormonal parents (give or take 10 each way.) They should preferably be ready to give their right arm for a nap, and be so angry at life, that they will claw at anyone who comes near them, or their children. They should be hallucinating through lack of sleep and be so devoid of rational thought, that they believe that all other parents and children in the room were sent from the gates of hell itself.

An unidentifiable amount of children-the more you can find, the better the recipe will turn out.

Poor quality coffee-any cost saving brand will do here.

An infinite amount of sugar.

The amount of saturated fat it would take to give the giant from Jack and The Beanstalk, a heart attack.

Any liquid you can find that contains aspartame, and e-numbers (this is really important.)

Some dangerous slides (must not be suitable for under fours, but easily accessible for ALL ages of children.)

A bouncy castle.

A ball pit (if you can find one with balls liberally coated with 10 year aged urine and faeces, this will be perfect. If not, dump the contents of a diarrhoea nappy onto some clean balls, get a weak pelvic floored woman to bounce up and down on them, the effect should be approximately the same.)

The oldest, most decaying toys and dressing up clothes you can find, preferably from the 90s.

A handful of minimum wage teens.

Some dreadfully upbeat music-Lego Movie’s ‘Everything Is Awesome’ is perfect.

Temperature:

At least 28 degrees, if you can crank it up to 30 or above-you are winning.

Method:

Mix ALL of the ingredients into the same place-preferably the blandest, greyest, most soul destroying building you can find. Old warehouses and abandoned office buildings are perfect. Characterless is key. There is a minimum of 1 hours stirring required. If you are in this for perfection, then really, 3-4 hours should be expected. 6 for the most hardcore followers of the recipe.

Once all the ingredients have been successfully mixed, serve with a liberal dose of shouting, crying, high pitched screams, pissed pants, shat in knickers, paranoia, and a belief that the world is about to end. Garnish with Supermum, and her perfect children who  bypassed her vagina, and were passed to her from the arms of fairies. Get them to sprinkle patronising thoughts and throw disgusted looks at all of the other parents, and condemn them all for their inferior parenting skills.

And here you have it! The perfect recipe for. what I call…. An Absolute F***ing Disaster.

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Enjoy!!

 

72 Comments

  1. October 31, 2016 / 7:59 am

    Ha ha, you just described the scene of dangermouses halloween party yesterday! Minus the smug mums of course, all my friends are total legends. Who needs a garnish anyway… 😉

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 8:08 am

      Hehe, it will also be the scene of the eldest’s birthday party next month…! The smug mums comment came off the back of my last couple of visits to softplay, where my ahem, vivacious (assassin?) child cause a little kerfuffle. Honestly, the way people look at you and talk to you, just because your child is running and bumped into theirs…! At least like you, we will have none of that at the party, because it will all be normal people!!

  2. October 31, 2016 / 8:11 am

    What a nightmare to be in and what a funny concept for a recipe #bigpinklink.

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 8:11 am

      Thank you!!

  3. October 31, 2016 / 9:07 am

    oh my word – HILARIOUS! I could picture it all and the poor coffee and the aspartame and e numbers and the lets crank it up to 30 degrees in a really characterless building! Just fab reading though lovely #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 9:39 am

      Thanks Helen, you always make my day with your lovely comments!! X

  4. October 31, 2016 / 9:14 am

    Hahaha so accurate! Why is it that everyone seems to think their own spawn can do no wrong?! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 9:38 am

      Yes!! This happens to me every single time I go to these places!

  5. October 31, 2016 / 9:24 am

    Ha ha ha ha ha. I can’t bake. I burn toast. #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 9:38 am

      My baking is sadly, awful!!

  6. October 31, 2016 / 9:51 am

    Haha oh my god this is hilarious yet you’ve created such a horrendous picture!! I imagine I’ll spend a lot of time trying to avoid this recipe but it will actually become my life without me even realising it! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 9:54 am

      Ahem, it’s not that bad really…! (It kind of is, but you’ll be fine, honestly!!)

  7. October 31, 2016 / 9:58 am

    Hahah! What a genius post. Why is it that there’s always a super mum at parties!?! #BigPinkLink xx

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:09 am

      Always. Every time…!

  8. October 31, 2016 / 10:06 am

    Ha ha, this sounds er…..fun? Good luck with the party!! May I suggest a trip to the supermarket cake aisle, save yourself a nervous breakdown?! 🙂 x #BigPinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:10 am

      Good idea!!

  9. October 31, 2016 / 10:30 am

    Haha this post is great!!

    I’ll look forward to this situation when Edith is older (not!) haha.

    #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:51 am

      It’ll be fab…! Remember: ‘Everything is Awesome!!!!’

  10. October 31, 2016 / 10:49 am

    You really have summed it up perfectly – horrendously true on every level! Alison x #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:52 am

      Aaah, thanks!! Sometimes I wonder if my observations are way out of line with everyone else’s!!

  11. October 31, 2016 / 10:58 am

    Ah christ I am going to soft play today. Why is it always in such grim buildings? When you climb to the top of one of the climbing frames and you are metres away from a dodgy looking grey ceiling with huge, visible pipes…probably asbestos in there too. Anyway, this is hilarious…and gross! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 11:04 am

      Yes, I’ve always thought that about the pipes and asbestos too…! Sorry if if grossed you out, I was told by my husband that it was a step too far-I’m not easily grossed out though, so my scale for these things is off…!

      • October 31, 2016 / 9:24 pm

        It’s ok I wouldn’t say I was grossed out…just that soft play is gross! My friend’s muffin got stolen today and my son ate something unidentifiable off the floor. It was a low point for all involved…

  12. October 31, 2016 / 11:31 am

    Ha ha ha. Sounds like hell on a stick. I’m dreading when my daughter is at an age when she requires entertaining thus 🙁

    Incidentally I can’t bake either and have no interest in it – why should I when you can get a bag of doughnuts from Greggs 🙂
    #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 11:50 am

      Absolutely loving your style!! I have no real interest either, and I thought I was the only person in the whole country, who didn’t watch GBBO-I take it there’s actually two of us?!

  13. October 31, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    HAHAHA! Sounds like you have spent a lot of blood, sweat and tears perfecting this recipe!
    #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 1:28 pm

      I certainly have!!

  14. October 31, 2016 / 1:39 pm

    Hahaha..oh God, I can’t cope with kids parties and the judgey mums and all 5he screaming kids!Ahh I’ve git a headache just thinking about it!Fab post hun xx #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:05 pm

      Thanks Wendy! It’s all very headache inducing, isn’t it?!

  15. October 31, 2016 / 1:48 pm

    Hehe soft play in all it’s child-exciting glory! Great! #BigPinkLink

  16. October 31, 2016 / 2:46 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious! The ball pit and “A handful of minimum wage teens” are my fav parts! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:04 pm

      Thanks, I’m glad you liked it!

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:03 pm

      No, just every, general trip to soft play!!

  17. October 31, 2016 / 3:53 pm

    Great blog post and you gave me a much needed giggle #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:02 pm

      Yippee! I’m glad it made you laugh!

  18. October 31, 2016 / 4:00 pm

    Haha, I can just about cope with this recipe but the Lego “Everything is awesome” brought back memories of a holiday when Youngest insisted we watch the Lego movie again and again and again. Non-stop. I also struggle with the perfect mummies! #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:01 pm

      My two ask for that film CONSTANTLY!! And then I just can’t get that song out of my head!

  19. October 31, 2016 / 4:24 pm

    Yesterday’s Halloween themed first birthday party in a bag😊😊#bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 6:00 pm

      Hehe!!

  20. October 31, 2016 / 4:26 pm

    Haha, this sounds like the part of my recipe that was missing when I fantastically failed at making the Halloween party cupcakes at the weekend!

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 5:59 pm

      Oops!!

  21. October 31, 2016 / 6:17 pm

    This post just cracked me up! #bigpinklink

  22. October 31, 2016 / 6:31 pm

    Oh my god, this is hilarious! XD As I read on, it started to sound more and more like my local soft play hahaha x #bigpinklink

  23. October 31, 2016 / 7:49 pm

    HAHAH this sounds like my life, every single day!! I love it, and it made me laugh out loud, but I also sympathise massively! Great post! #bigpinklink

  24. October 31, 2016 / 7:52 pm

    You made me laugh out loud! Love this! #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      November 1, 2016 / 6:57 am

      I’m glad you liked it!

  25. October 31, 2016 / 8:51 pm

    hahaha… I don’t even know what to say. You need tea and cake immediately! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      November 1, 2016 / 6:58 am

      Right now!!!

  26. October 31, 2016 / 9:27 pm

    This has had me giggling! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:16 pm

      Yay!!

  27. October 31, 2016 / 10:02 pm

    Spot on – a future GBBO technical challenge, I feel! (although it’s going to be on channel 4 and none of us is going to watch it blah blah… :)) #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Ssshhhh….*whispers* I’ve never seen it…!!

      • November 3, 2016 / 5:04 pm

        Hahaha! So funny! I have often thought some of these things but never can put it into words – you have a true gift… but i’m sorry how have you never watched Bake Off!??!?! #bigpinklink

  28. November 1, 2016 / 5:20 am

    OMG the ball pit – how I loved this ingredient! It brought back terrifying memories of jumping in with my kids to save them from potential suffocation whilst screaming “don’t eat the balls” – maybe I was that weak pelvic floored woman! Thanks for making me laugh. #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      November 1, 2016 / 6:59 am

      Yes, you always wonder if your children will come out of there with Ebola!!

  29. November 1, 2016 / 8:24 am

    Really enjoyed this post. A very fresh and witty take on the soft play moan. I was going to brave my first ever soft play with my one year old this half term but my friends all scared me off with horror stories including a broken strip light showering glass all over a ball pool! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      November 1, 2016 / 8:27 am

      I used to really enjoy it when mine were safely enclosed in the baby area, and were fairly immobile. It’s when they move up to the next stage that it all gets, well, quite frankly terrifying!!

  30. November 1, 2016 / 1:14 pm

    omg so funny. I CAN bake…I just dont. The thought of cleaning sugar off of the floors and counters afterwards and doing the baking dishes while everyone runs circles around me screeching makes my want to cower in the corner and cry.

    #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      November 1, 2016 / 1:18 pm

      You have summed up my thoughts on the whole process EXACTLY!!

  31. November 1, 2016 / 4:27 pm

    I have definitely baked this same recipe. On more than one occasion in fact. Unlike most things that taste like crap I also doubt that it is very good for you or anyone involved in it’s preparation. I love this. You are my hero xx #BigPinkLink

  32. November 1, 2016 / 4:36 pm

    This post is amazing, just the right uplifting writing style I love! #bigpinklink

  33. November 1, 2016 / 7:45 pm

    Hahaha … could not agree more! Laughed so much while reading this. Why are soft play buildings always so dingy and dark? Why can’t they have natural light?! #bigpinklink

  34. November 1, 2016 / 10:27 pm

    Urgh you are so right! This is why I don’t attempt this recipe, too much disaster for me. I always add a secret ingredient of carpark meltdown and car seat wrestling followed by 20 minutes of crying on the journey home x

  35. November 2, 2016 / 9:53 am

    Ha ha, this post is awesome! It really is a recipe guaranteed to never fail
    #Bigpinklink

  36. November 2, 2016 / 9:54 pm

    Haha I love it! Not what I was expecting at all but so great. I love to bake and so does my little one but the trouble is nothing gets done and we are stuck in preperation stage while he claims all the utensils as his for his toy box! Haha #bigpinklink

    Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk

  37. November 2, 2016 / 10:05 pm

    Oh my what a terrible mental image you just painted! #bigpinklink

  38. November 3, 2016 / 1:04 am

    That does sound like a perfect recipe for disaster. Very funny read. #bigpinklink

  39. November 4, 2016 / 9:31 am

    Oh you have had me giggling with this one this morning. I particularly love the ‘characterless is key’ statement! Great observational humour as always. It’s a weird one for me, when Grace my eldest was a baby we spent a lot of time in those places. There was a particularly good one near us which was really well run although yes it was on an industrial estate. Right up until Grace was about 6 we still visited.

    Fast forward to Siena (who is now 3) and we have never stepped foot in one! Partly financial, but also because of her mobility issues I guess I have avoided them. I was thinking of paying a visit soon, but you might have just reminded me why I don’t go!!!

    Clever idea for a post! #Bigpinklink

  40. November 5, 2016 / 12:13 am

    Bwahahahaha….. I might be too scared to even try this. I try to stay away, to retain some semblence of sanity.

  41. November 5, 2016 / 7:51 am

    Hah! Brilliant! This sounds like a birthday party or a usual trip to soft play. Weak, inferior coffee brand at the ready!! #bigpinklink x

  42. November 6, 2016 / 8:12 pm

    Sounds a lot like our local soft play – to be avoided at all costs!! #bigpinklink

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