I’m not much of a baker, I try, because the children love attempting to eat chunks of butter on it’s own, and raw egg, but we’ve had some pretty botched attempts at baking nice things. However, the other day, I came up with a recipe! Here it is, you’re welcome!
Stuff You’ll Need:
About 60 tired, hormonal parents (give or take 10 each way.) They should preferably be ready to give their right arm for a nap, and be so angry at life, that they will claw at anyone who comes near them, or their children. They should be hallucinating through lack of sleep and be so devoid of rational thought, that they believe that all other parents and children in the room were sent from the gates of hell itself.
An unidentifiable amount of children-the more you can find, the better the recipe will turn out.
Poor quality coffee-any cost saving brand will do here.
An infinite amount of sugar.
The amount of saturated fat it would take to give the giant from Jack and The Beanstalk, a heart attack.
Any liquid you can find that contains aspartame, and e-numbers (this is really important.)
Some dangerous slides (must not be suitable for under fours, but easily accessible for ALL ages of children.)
A bouncy castle.
A ball pit (if you can find one with balls liberally coated with 10 year aged urine and faeces, this will be perfect. If not, dump the contents of a diarrhoea nappy onto some clean balls, get a weak pelvic floored woman to bounce up and down on them, the effect should be approximately the same.)
The oldest, most decaying toys and dressing up clothes you can find, preferably from the 90s.
A handful of minimum wage teens.
Some dreadfully upbeat music-Lego Movie’s ‘Everything Is Awesome’ is perfect.
At least 28 degrees, if you can crank it up to 30 or above-you are winning.
Mix ALL of the ingredients into the same place-preferably the blandest, greyest, most soul destroying building you can find. Old warehouses and abandoned office buildings are perfect. Characterless is key. There is a minimum of 1 hours stirring required. If you are in this for perfection, then really, 3-4 hours should be expected. 6 for the most hardcore followers of the recipe.
Once all the ingredients have been successfully mixed, serve with a liberal dose of shouting, crying, high pitched screams, pissed pants, shat in knickers, paranoia, and a belief that the world is about to end. Garnish with Supermum, and her perfect children who bypassed her vagina, and were passed to her from the arms of fairies. Get them to sprinkle patronising thoughts and throw disgusted looks at all of the other parents, and condemn them all for their inferior parenting skills.
And here you have it! The perfect recipe for. what I call…. An Absolute F***ing Disaster.