I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

mirror

When I’m yanked from my bed at 5am, for the 108th day in a row, my mind quickly gives me the abridged version of things I should remember to do: change nappies, coffee, attempt breakfast, coffee, squeeze unwilling octopus into clothes x 2, coffee… I rub remnants of yesterdays makeup from my eyes, and wonder how permanent the bags under them will be, and if it was possible to die from prolonged periods of sudden, forcible 5am wakeage… When I look in the mirror, I’m sometimes hit with the fact that I don’t know who I am anymore.

To my husband, I’m the woman he once proposed to on a freezing day in Clonmacnoise, overlooking the river Shannon, surprising her while she messed around on the chair where the Pope gives his address. Now does he see me as the woman with the sagging tummy, and the nipples that gather dirt from the floor, unless an industrial bra acts as a sheepdog, rounding them up, and pointing them in the right direction?

To my parents, I’m the daughter who once danced her way through life, who now seems a little reclusive. I can see it in my mum’s eyes, and hear it in her unspoken words when she telephones me for the tenth time in a week-does she see me as sometimes sad, often afraid?

To my old friends, I was once someone who would always want to be at the party, and who was always at the end of the phone when life went topsy turvey, or everything was belly up. Now do I not hear from them because I’m to be cast aside, because having had a family reclassifies my status as friend, and I’ve been refiled under ‘B’ for Boring?

To my children I am everything. Head chef, sous chef, waitress, entertainment officer in chief, health and safety enforcer, giver of attention, love and cuddles bearer, changer of the TV channels, keeper of the snacks, toy fight referee, protector from other children/other children’s hormonal nutty mums/subliminal sexist messages from Topsy and Tim. I’m on demand 24/7 for their every wish… They don’t know me as anyone else.

Not only do I bear the physical scars from being a mum, it has changed my entire soul. I’m struggling to get used to the person who looks back at me in the mirror, who doesn’t only look physically different, but whose entire being is so different. I constantly question who I am.

Do I not like going out anymore because I’m really too tired, and because I’m making a natural progression into ‘staying in more,’ or because if I do go out, I know I’ll spend the whole evening fiddling with my outfit, trying to hide the weight I’ve spent 2 years trying to lose unsuccessfully, which I’m so embarrassed about?

Do I want to stay in because drinking too much wine in the comfort of my own home will take the edge off a terrible day, and because watching television to escape from the daily monotony is more exciting? Because watching the complicated and exciting love lives of teenage vampires, and following the exploits of a blind vigilante assassin, are way more exciting than having to think about the next few months worth of scheduled soft play visits, isn’t it?

Does it make me a bad person, and awful mother, for sometimes waking up and not wanting to parent, when it is solely my job to do so, and the role I have chosen in life? Sometimes all I want is a holiday from being a parent, or at least a day in a dark room, all by myself, with no noise (and preferably hot vampires for company.)

I have so many questions, and some days feel so lost. So yes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t always recognise the person looking back. But that’s ok, because being a mum does change absolutely everything you thought you knew about yourself. I’m taking baby steps towards accepting the physical changes-probably a wardrobe overhaul, and less mooning over size 10 clothes I wore 5 years ago would help. Yes, sometimes I wake up at 5am and mutter expletives under my breath because I’d rather stay in bed. A lot of the time I’m really antisocial, and for that I apologise-I’m working on it. A lot of the time I don’t know what I’m doing, which in turn makes me worried that I’m messing my children up, or will inadvertently do something to scar them for life. I worry and panic more than I ever thought possible, and question everything I do. But that’s ok, because I’m sure it’s an unspoken rule of motherhood that most people feel the same way. I’m still working out how my new self fits into my new role. I’m still working out how the people I love around me see me. While I’m working it out, I’ll keep telling the strange reflection in the mirror that she may not get all the answers, but when two smiling little faces come and look into it beside her, she’s not doing too bad of a job really…!

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

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69 Comments

  1. May 30, 2016 / 12:46 am

    Wow, this is a pretty powerful post and I can relate for sure. I think you’re doing brilliantly and for what it’s worth, I don’t dwell too much on the person I was in my mid-twenties (ten years ago) because if I did I would hardly recognise her. BUT I think that for all the wine drinking alone, pretending to be our dog for hours on end so my daughter can have conversations with him and fact I haven’t been out properly in, actually, years, it is ok. I have never before I had children been someone’s absolute world as I am to them and I don’t mind it, honestly, even though I am wrecked from lack of sleep, because I know really that it won’t last forever. This is a chapter – as every period in life is. Thank you for posting and I hope tomorrow is a bit of a later wake-up call! #bigpinklink

  2. May 30, 2016 / 6:30 am

    This is a great post because of it’s honesty. It’s hard to admit that some of the challenges of parenthood aren’t to do with children, but one’s self, and it’s really good when someone talks about it. #bigpinklink

  3. May 30, 2016 / 8:14 am

    Wow hun what an amazing and hugely relateable post! I think we have to remember that being a Mum changes us entirely but that doesn’t mean we should be cast aside. We are still us deep down, just a lot more tired!!!!! Seriously though this is a wonderful post and I love the honesty – sometimes we have to share the cold hard truth about parenting! xx #bigpinklink

  4. May 30, 2016 / 8:18 am

    Wow! This is me, honestly, I was reading this and I identify with everything you have written (except I am obsessed with Game of Thrones and often want to lost myself in Westeros and find Jon Snow…) This is an incredibly moving post, one I wish I had had the courage to write myself. I often find myself hiding behind humour in my posts, when really I want to write something honest like this. It scares me though, because some of my friends read my posts and there are some things you just don’t want others knowing. Thanks for sharing this and big hugs. By the way, I bet you’re an awesome mum, wife and friend. xx

  5. May 30, 2016 / 8:31 am

    Most people *do* feel the same way. It’s one of motherhood’s greatest kept secrets that you will never ever be the same person you were before – and it doesn’t matter how much you tell a mum-to-be they can’t know til they know. FWIW you obviously do a fab job and just because your nipples swing low and you have pregnancy scars, it doesn’t mean you aren’t still a gorgeous woman. #bigpinklink

  6. The Tale of Mummyhood
    May 30, 2016 / 8:32 am

    I don’t think not wanting to parent sometimes makes you bad, I think it makes you human. Some days are incredibly tough and for me getting used to my new identity (still not there yet) is one of the hardest things.

    #bigpinklink

  7. May 30, 2016 / 8:42 am

    I can feel sadness/exhaustion through your writing and I, like millions have been there. the good news is… there is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you want to see it. Sleep dep. is a killer. You lose yourself, your ability to give one and generally lose the battle.
    It will pass as your kids get older. I totally feel for you though. I have officially re-claimed myself from the lost luggage and only have the odd reminder when we have a sleep deprived week or two. Sending love, wine and caffeine. x #bigpinklink

  8. May 30, 2016 / 8:55 am

    I remember feeling like this- it does get better! Mine are 5,7 &10 and I’m now just about back to getting a reasonable amount of sleep (sometimes the clock says 6 something but not often 5 anymore) and I’ve managed to lose that extra baby weight. You’ll get there and I’m sure you’re doing a great job! xx #bigpinklink

  9. May 30, 2016 / 9:02 am

    What a lovely, thought-provoking post. Mother would relate. Naively she thought she’d stay the same (ha!) after my arrival but she changed overnight, absorbed with me and my wellbeing. Her role as wife, friend and daughter taking a back seat. It has taken her a few months to get used to her new role but now she realises that she likes the new her more than the old version. She is trying to restore the balance in her life – including rediscovering her love of online shopping (she had a wake up call when she realised all clothes shopping was for me – now Asos is back delivering to our home 😉 ) #bigpinklink

  10. May 30, 2016 / 9:25 am

    I can totally relate to this! Being a mum is hard, much harder than anyone can ever prepare themselves for x #bigpinklink

  11. May 30, 2016 / 9:42 am

    All true. Do you ever worry that we think TOO MUCH? I think that dark quiet room would just lead to more thinking for me… (or sheer terror of those vampires you speak off…!!) This is a great summary of a mum’s brain. I also agree (and hope) that it is just one of life’s many chapters. #bigpinklink

  12. May 30, 2016 / 10:23 am

    Hell yes!!! I GET it; all of it; the fiddling with clothes, the intense love, but with a side of ‘really’??? I guess we are constantly changing; ups; downs and even a time of inside out! #bigpinklink

  13. May 30, 2016 / 11:15 am

    This is such a real and heartfelt post. It’s like you’ve gone into my mind and taken the words out. It can be hard to adjust to the new you, the new life and the new normal. Hi-5 on not wanting to parent somedays – we’re not robots. But we are fabulous mothers. I’ve asked several people if they know whether it’s possible to die from sleep deprivation – they didn’t know… I’ll just have to wait and see.

    #bigpinklink

  14. May 30, 2016 / 11:31 am

    so true! your not alone.. we’ve all had these moments. Parenting is hard work (we all say it often enough) and so it’s ok that we would like a day off every now and then and its ok that we want wine at 11.30am lol but honestly I loved this post, it had so many home truths in it! #bigpinklink

  15. Lucy
    May 30, 2016 / 11:48 am

    I can totally relate to this, it makes me feel better to know that other people have days of not wanting to parent, rather than thinking everyone else is a happy shiny perfect parent 24/7. Today is one of those days for me. Feeling very tired and meh, but I’m getting out of my sweat pants and having a wash and leaving the house and hoping that will pep me up! I definitely have to work on still being social but I think it’s important that I do get out and see people
    #bigpinklink

  16. May 30, 2016 / 11:58 am

    This is such a lovely post. Being a mother is totally life-changing. People tell you that all the time don’t they, but until you are in the moment it doesn’t seem possible. There are days when I hate just being a mum (particularly how tired I look and feel) but they quickly disappear. It is full of moments to make us cry and laugh and ultimately it is the most rewarding job around. . #bigpinklink

  17. May 30, 2016 / 12:02 pm

    This post really hit home for me. I was feeling exactly the same way when I upgraded from one child to two (I felt it also with one, but 2 really compounded it for me.) Now that the girls are older I’ve rediscovered some of the old “me” I was missing. I leave my husband home with them one night a week and take an adult ballet class (which is almost done for the season so I’ll have to find something else to do with my Monday nights!) and I’m finding it easier to take the kids to do things I used to do more often – no naps required any more!
    Keep on plodding and one day you’ll look back and realize you’re not waking at 5am (every day) anymore – and hey, one of your kids just asked to help you do the dishes! You’re doing a great job mom, and your kids will remember all the time you’re spending with them, but they won’t know you don’t fit into those size 10 clothes anymore!
    #bigpinklink

  18. May 30, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    I can relate to this so much. Becoming a mum has really turned my life upside down and sideways, and lots of things that used to define me seem to have got lost or forgotten along the way. It doesn’t mean they’re gone for good though. x #bigpinklink

  19. May 30, 2016 / 12:55 pm

    I expect a lot of parents can relate to this. I agree that it is probably an unspoken rule of motherhood and that most of us feel the same way! No doubt the two smiling faces mean you are doing an amazing job! 🙂 #BigPinkLink

  20. May 30, 2016 / 1:13 pm

    It is amazing how much we change, just wait until your forties when your mouth just says whatever it wants cause you just don’t have the I shouldn’t say that filter anymore.

  21. May 30, 2016 / 1:35 pm

    Such a beautifully honest post, I know I’ve definitely spent a lot of time trying to ‘find myself’ again after becoming a parent. Thank you for sharing something that we all as Mum’s are either going through or have gone through 🙂 #bigpinklink x

  22. May 30, 2016 / 1:51 pm

    I do love this post, its beautifully written. I definitely felt like I had lost myself when my son was born,& I hope I don’t feel that way again when baby #2 is here, sleep deprivation is just awful.. but with a lot of things in life, is fleeting.

    #bigpinklink

  23. May 30, 2016 / 2:00 pm

    Oh this is beautifully written and something that so many of us mothers can totally relate to. I don’t think any of us know who we are or what we’re doing. And I don’t know anyone who fits into their clothes the same way post kids. And barely anyone who fits into the same size!

  24. May 30, 2016 / 2:27 pm

    Oh honey you are singing my song! I can completely relate to this entire post. There are days I question everything I do, say, think and believe. I think motherhood turnes us into worry worts!#bigpinklink

  25. May 30, 2016 / 4:22 pm

    I read this post yesterday and I had to go away and think about it as it is such a powerful and moving post. Like you I sometimes don’t recognise the person I now am and I often spend my days in what feels like a zombie type daydream. I haven’t been out for a proper night in years and years, which explains why I am so excited about about Brit Mums. My body has two ugly c-section scars and my boobs, well lets not even go there! Looking back I don’t want to be that person in my twenties again but I wished that when I had been in my twenties that I had realised what I had and that I was more confident in myself. However, like you I love being a mum although a lie-in would be very nice 🙂 #bigpinklink

  26. May 30, 2016 / 6:05 pm

    Great and honest post. I know exactly that feeling, I think that’s why I’m doing a beauty blog instead of any other blog, so I can pretend to be someone else a bit xx #bigpinklink

  27. May 30, 2016 / 6:59 pm

    You have such a beautiful and powerful way with words Lucy. I love this and can relate to it so much. I meet a friend for coffee (and cake) once a month at 7pm when the kids go to bed, and I’ve noticed now that I rush about all day and just dash out of the door to meet her in a local pub / restaurant. I don’t even look in the mirror before I go and generally find that aside from brushing my hair on a morning, I avoid mirrors at all cost. I haven’t changed physically all that much (just a bit squidgier and saggier and a few more laughter lines) but I just don’t really relate to the person that looks back at me any more. I do wonder what the people who used to know me would think of me if they met me now? Would they recognise me at all? It’s amazing how much motherhood changes your very being. Totally worth it though as you say!
    Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink x

  28. May 30, 2016 / 8:32 pm

    “subliminal sexist messages from Topsy and Tim. ” I know this wasn’t the main point of the post (which I think was beautifully put) but can we focus on this for a second. Hello? It’s 1954 we want our narrow gender roles back please. Although can’t stop watching it and obsessing over their family live

  29. May 30, 2016 / 9:19 pm

    I think it’s entirely normal to feel this way. I certainly did for a long time, though a very difficult relationship with my MIL didn’t help and I developed Postnatal Anxiety. In the end, blogging has kept me sane.

    I’m sure the tough phase will pass for you soon – for me it was when my daughter’s sleep improved. Keep blogging!
    #bigpinklink

  30. May 30, 2016 / 10:09 pm

    I love this because it’s so honest. Sometimes the old you can feel like a stranger and you miss them! Sometimes that person pops up, very briefly, and says “Hey, what happened to me?” I think it will and does get easier. I wrote about this in a post called “Nothing has changed” because only recently with BUB.3 aged two I’ve realised I’m exactly the same person as I was, I was just buried under fatigue and breast pumps and jogging bottoms! I’m still fundamentally me and I think it’s important not to let go of that person. Go out and find them again, if you ever get a chance! Love your honesty. #bigpinklink

  31. May 31, 2016 / 6:40 am

    Wow, this is such a moving post. You write beautifully about something I know so many mothers struggle with. A friend of mine sent me a message halfway through her maternity leave about how much she was struggling with being ‘just a stay at home mum’. She hadn’t ever expected to feel that way but that is what happens. You inevitably change so much when you have a baby – it would be strange not to. The you that’s there now is not less than who you were before, she’s more (in my opinion!). And as for the weight I really get that, I had a bit of a wobble about it recently but then I realised how much my body has achieved, how amazing this feat is to create a little life and keep him happy and safe and healthy – wow! No wonder I look different.

    Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and gorgeous post – I know many people will feel better for having read this and realising they are not alone. #bigpinklink

  32. May 31, 2016 / 7:33 am

    This is one of the best posts I have read in a long time. Just so thought-provoking and I am sure that so many women will be feeling the same when they read this. I sometimes catch my self in the mirror and think what would my 8-year-old self think of me now – what would she think of who I have become – is this what she wanted? Would she have been proud? Such a brilliant post and just rest assured that we are all behind you with this post – we all feel it. Thank you so much for writing #BigPinkLink

  33. May 31, 2016 / 9:29 am

    This is a brilliant post but are you sure you’re not me? Sometimes I want to force the friends I have only know for a few years to look at my old photos and read my letters to prove to them that I used to be FUN. I know it’s still in there somewhere but I’m sure most people just see me as a frantic, late, muffin-topped mother with roots that seriously needed doing about 2 months ago….but I sued to dance on tables, honest.

  34. May 31, 2016 / 12:00 pm

    I’m sure by now you will know, but I’m going to state the obvious anyway, that the absolute beauty in what you have written is that it is so honest, and so relatable. It takes a while to cope with any change, let alone something as life-changing as parenthood. As life throws more changes our way, we all cope in different ways. Hopefully you’ve found some reassurance in the response to your post. We’re all in it together, insecurities and all! #BigPinkLink

  35. May 31, 2016 / 12:02 pm

    this is a GREAT great post. this i am sure will touch many hearts and many readers will identify with this. I certainly did. When you become mum everything changes. Its not about you anymore. its now about being a mum and caring for those little ones. Everything changes. Mentally. physically. emotionally and you describe that so well. every often we yearn to go out, by ourselves, be the “the old us”again and let our hair down. the last time I did that I realised again the old me is long gone. I enjoyed the headspace as i sat there looking at picture of my kids on the phone. We are incomplete without them. And whats wrong with that. They changed us and our lived forever. Great great post

  36. May 31, 2016 / 12:49 pm

    Oh gosh this post made me cry, I can identify with this on so many levels. Motherhood changes you irreversibly doesn’t it? I’m not sure who I am anymore either in a lot of ways. I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend….and yet I feel that I fail at all of those things in so many ways. It’s hard to rediscover yourself, I hope that you find a way to do that. #bigpinklink

  37. May 31, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    wonderful post thank you so much for sharing. and yes you ARE doing a great job. love the octopus xx #bigpinklink

  38. June 1, 2016 / 4:51 pm

    Yep I identify with. Youloss your self and you feel more.like a machine then a person some days X #bigpinklink

  39. June 1, 2016 / 5:21 pm

    On Friday I went out to the shops without the kids. I had some old clothes to drop off at the charity shop and whilst I was there I saw a dress in my size I quite liked so bought it on a whim since it was only a couple of quid. I put it on and I don’t know if it was the bright colours or the cut of it or what but I felt like *me* for a little while. Like the me I was before I had kids. I don’t know if it’s a magic dress – I still weigh a stone and a half more than I did pre-children and I don’t know where the dress hid it – but it was nice.

    #bigpinklink

  40. June 1, 2016 / 6:44 pm

    I do believe you have summed up the feeling of many mum’s there, myself included. I can totally relate to wanting to take a parenting holiday, even if just for a day. I have just recently started trying to make more of an effort to leave the house without kids and I think it is starting to work, ironically I wrote a post about it today. But it is thought, oh so tough, being mum. It is a monumental change in your life and to yourself and do believe it is ok to take time to adjust. Brilliant post lovey xx

  41. June 1, 2016 / 9:13 pm

    Beautifully written and honest post. You are not alone. I have felt ALL of this = or very similar. There’s so much doubt, uncertainty and just plain fear. The being frightened all the time is something I struggle so much to adjust to. But there’s also so much joy, and we’re all doing our best. We keep on swimming and drink in the perfect moments when they happen. Loved your post #bigpinklink

  42. June 2, 2016 / 1:08 am

    Like many others I’m sure, I can completely relate to this as its the reason I started my own blog. You really can loose yourself so easily when becoming a mother. You tend to give everything up aside from the necessities. I also have a hard time accepting the changes my body has made. It’s tough. #bigpinklink

  43. June 2, 2016 / 6:59 am

    Completely agree. Motherhood changes us all so much. I think it’s entirely normal to have all of these feelings especially when we look back to how we used to be. We are no longer free to do what we want and when we want, we are servants to our children and we become their everything! Sometimes this is completely overwhelming. I too wish I could have a day or just a few hours alone! But we need to remember that this “phase” won’t last forever. They will grow up and even a few years will make a huge difference, they become slowly more independent allowing us to have a bit more peace and independence too!
    LOVE the bit about the sheepdog bra by the way!! #BigPinkLink xx

  44. June 2, 2016 / 7:17 am

    Wow, wow, wow. This is incredibly well written and something I’m sure the majority of Mums can relate to. Just remember that you’re doing an amazing job #stayclassy

  45. June 2, 2016 / 8:39 am

    When I first became a mother I felt all these things, and when I met people who I worked with before maternity leave, they wouldn’t stop telling me how much I had changed since I became a mother and it made me quite bitter or question what they meant. That was when I was still clinging on to who I was before and desperately trying to convince everyone that being a mother doesn’t change anything. Now- I embrace the changes, I’ve definitely changed for the better and my lovely son has been the main reason for this change- like a caterpillar into a butterfly – wow deep haha but anyway, I still get says when I think, wow I’d love to go out and have a few drinks etc without any pre-planning, but they are fleeting and the time we have now with the kiddies will go so fast! Thanks for this post, really is honest and true. #stayclassy

  46. June 2, 2016 / 8:42 am

    When I first became a mum I really felt all these things, especially when my work colleagues met me after becoming a mum and kept on saying how much I’d changed- and I didn’t know how they meant and took it badly. I was clinging on to who I was before I became a mum and it’s only recently when I have been able to embrace those changes and how they are for the better. Yes- sometimes it sucks and I think I’d love to go out and have a few glasses of wine without any pre-planning, but they are fleeting and when you consider how short of time we have with the kids I feel good again. Great post really made me reflect #stayclassy

  47. June 2, 2016 / 9:25 am

    Brilliant piece. I touched on this topic this week, but no where near as deep and honest as what you have done here. Your honesty is so refreshing, I am feeling lost right now, I am full of a stupid head cold and feel like crap, but still I had to get the kids to school, home again, cook dinner, do dishes etc and on top of that my daughters pet rabbit was found dead after school today! She is on and off hysterical and I just want to sleep! #stayclassy

  48. June 2, 2016 / 10:07 am

    Great post! Thanks for highlighting the reality of parenthood. And good job, you’re doing great, smiling kids means you’re doing something right! #bigpinklink

  49. June 2, 2016 / 10:44 am

    A really honest, beautiful and resonant post. It’s remarkable how our identity changes with motherhood, for better or worse. The more we are all honest with ourselves, each other and the rest of society about what its like, the better. #stayclassy

  50. June 2, 2016 / 1:38 pm

    So your a vampire diaries fan to huh. I would put you under A for frigging Awesome in my category. A beautiful affirming post I can empathise with 100%. I like parts of the new mum me and weep at others. I think part of it is tired. I like spending my free time zoning out with Netflix just for the peace and lack of Muummummum..and feel a little out of place in bars. I like writing because I can just be me, talk about things that happen in my day, have a little swear and feel perfectly content. #Bigpinklink

  51. June 2, 2016 / 2:10 pm

    Amazing honesty – well done you. All mummies have these feelings but it’s very brave to write them down for all to see. xx

  52. June 2, 2016 / 3:56 pm

    This is a really soul searching post – I can relate to so many of the things you have said. Being a Mum seems to change the very core of who you are. Like you some mornings I wake up and what to turn the world off and not have to be the parent, the one who has to give every second of their day over to someone else’s desires. I keep telling myself as they get older I will find myself again, a new probably more sober self, at the moment I am just left with some distance memories of the fun loving person I used to be! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  53. June 2, 2016 / 6:53 pm

    I know what you mean – sometimes it’s easy to lose yourself in motherhood and forget who you were before becoming in charge of a little person. I’m trying to carve out little pockets of ‘me’ time – an hour at the gym, a few minutes writing, a glass of wine with my husband in the evenings. It’s a far cry from my pre-baby life, when I could go out whenever I wanted to wherever I wanted, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. #StayClassy

  54. June 2, 2016 / 9:24 pm

    Ah this is so true, I often feel like this. As for not wanting to parent, I don’t think anyone REALLY goes into parenthood realising that you’ll never properly get a break from it. It’s bloody hard work! Thanks for sharing such an honest post with #bigpinklink

  55. June 3, 2016 / 1:59 am

    thank you for so eloquently capturing every feeling and emotion in my household. Are you filming us? Is this candid camera?
    How, how did you do that. #bigpinklink #stayclassy

  56. June 3, 2016 / 7:08 am

    A really important post, well done for sharing. Before you have a baby nobody explains how your whole personality will be violently renovated. I totally get this. I struggled for a good couple of years to adjust to the new me but feel more comfortable now. Great post X #anythinggoes

  57. June 3, 2016 / 12:36 pm

    What a wonderfully written and honest post! My mummy can totally relate to this and has been cast aside by old friends for being ‘B’ for boring….sadly 🙁 #BigPinkLink

  58. June 3, 2016 / 1:32 pm

    Beautiful, thought provoking piece! Motherhood truly changes you from the inside out, and I feel exactly what you’re explaining all the time. It’s tough-getting to know a new you. Going into parenthood, you can never fully know or appreciate how it changes you. But, I honestly think it’s made me a better person-even if my tummy is saggier than it was before! (: #StayClassy

  59. June 3, 2016 / 2:44 pm

    This is a great, honest post. I can feel your sadness and I know what you mean. Sometimes I think I have been so pre-occupied with life since the birth of my first child that I don’t know where I AM now. I mean I’m fine, I’m coping and getting things done but who am I – what do I want? We’ve been a sole individual for twenty or so years and so we can’t just switch in an instant. It takes time to figure it all out! Thanks for linking up and yes you were the first! #stayclassy

  60. June 3, 2016 / 5:26 pm

    This made me burst into tears and I’m only a few months into this motherhood thing. Thank you for being so honest and helping me see that we’re all in the same boat and all feel like this at times

  61. June 3, 2016 / 11:25 pm

    I admire anyone who gives themselves completely to their kids. I never have as I’m selfish. I don’t know why I’m so detached (especially with the eldest) although I have a theory. This post blindsided me a bit. I know you’ve mentioned to me that the blog was originally intended to cover mental health but went in the direction of comedy instead (maybe as a salve for life’s problems?) and you are wonderful at the comedy. But you’re good at this too; I just wish that ‘this’ wasn’t you showing how much you’re struggling with certain things not because I don’t want to read that but because I’m all the way over in Malta unable to help you and obviously wish you weren’t feeling this way. . Can’t wait to meet you at BML. Feel like I’ve known you forever. Brave girl writing this; you’re more amazing than you realise #BigPinkLink

  62. June 4, 2016 / 12:24 pm

    I loved this post -so honest and so true! I can identify myself and my own journey in your post. I think a lot of it comes with the uncertainty of the parenting choices you have made and realising that your child is so different from what everyone says. So you basically have to make your own decisions and hope that you made the right ones. I think if the two little faces are smiling back in the mirror, then you must be doing something right.

  63. June 4, 2016 / 7:45 pm

    I want to babysit your children for you ( haha you’re like I haven’t even met this girl wtf), I just feel like you deserve at the very least a lie in. This week I was “settling in” my son at nursery and he was there from 8am to 12pm so I got to sleep in for the first time in monthssssss, it was magical and I had a spiritual moment where I felt like I was flying!! Haha joking. But it really helped me feel normal again. Anyway, I absolutely love this post, I can really hear your voice and it feels so raw and honest. I am with you on almost everything – albeit I still am quite new to Mumhood. I have had those moments where I thought “I don’t want to be a Mum,” and it doesn’t make you or me a bad parent. You are an amazing Mum, never doubt yourself (easier said then done). I think being a Mum is the hardest job in the world with the least praise or acknowledgement so you are my hero for actually taking this on as your sole job. I am giving you virtual hugs. I wish I could say something that would somehow help but the only thing I know that will help is to just breathe and think of at least one positive thing that happened each day. AND what is more important than being a Mum???? You are a life giver and life healer. End of story. : ) Thanks for linking up with #StayClassy!

  64. June 5, 2016 / 11:09 pm

    This is so well written & moving. I think pretty much everyone can relate to at least some of these feelings. #bigpinklink

  65. June 6, 2016 / 9:26 am

    Oh wow honey I feel completely the same!! I completely under estimated the effect number two would have on my body and for me selfishly Its a big deal. Although I found throwing out the old clothes very therapeutic!! And just the odd new thing has done wonders for my confidence. I hope this post gets the coverage it deserves, and thanks for hosting #TheBigPinkLink xx

  66. June 8, 2016 / 5:00 am

    I recognise a lot of this in my wife. She too seeks solace in the company of some truly awful rich whiny teen drama sometimes involving vampires (more recently witches in a sort of Desperate House Wives / Gilmore Girls / Practical Magic car crash).

    It feels very different for dads where fatherhood is seen as part of your character not all of it. There’s a weird double standard that demands mums subsume all of what makes them them and that can’t be good for self image, esteem and mental health.

    Thanks for such an honest and thought provoking post. From the long string of comments it clearly resonates with a lot of mums.

    #StayClassy

  67. June 8, 2016 / 6:26 pm

    This beautiful and so honest. I can relate to this very much – I sometimes look at myself and think I’m just not fun anymore. Maybe I’ve changed and all my friends stayed the same, but it does make you feel unrecognisable to yourself and lost. Thank you for hosting #bigpinklink and hope lots of people read this as this is something so many mums will relate to x

  68. October 20, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    Thanks for your honest post! Just read it today…don’t we all wonder sometimes how the changes happened? How did we change from being spunky to bleary eyed and on-edge? I try to remember the happy moments, the good things , although some days it doesn’t seem to work. Wishing you lots of hugs and support from your loved ones.

    • This Mum's Life
      October 21, 2016 / 5:34 am

      Hi Rachel, thank you for the kind and lovely comment! Yes, it’s so hard isn’t it? I suddenly realised I just didn’t recognise myself anymore, and that was a very frightening epiphany! My children go to nursery a couple of days a week now though, and having that time to myself has proved invaluable to getting some sense of my old self back again!! Thank you for reading and commenting x

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