Football Hooliganism In Soft Plays
It doesn’t matter what kind of personality your child has in everyday life. It’s an actual known fact that as soon as any child enters a soft play, the soft play transforms into a football arena, and even the most placid, best behaved children, become the worst kind of football hooligans around. Frightened and intimidated parents are left to referee escalating situations for which they have little, or no training for, often leaving them quivering, dribbling wrecks, incoherently muttering about needing wine. Here is an outline of the process from everyday child, to football hooligan.
Checking out the opposition:
As soon as the safety gate has been opened, and the child has been ushered into the arena, their immediate instinct is to check out the competition. I once witnessed a child hock a greenie onto the train table, while simultaneously eyeballing a little girl on the other side, who was drinking from the flowing river of snot from both nostrils-supping it like a delicious, all natural, endless smoothie. They stared each other right in the eye, and in typical alpha toddler style, tried to out-gross the other into backing away. There was going to be no draw here, someone was going to win.
Marking their territory:
Some rush for the dressing up, and the dolls and prams, while others elbow each other out of the way to get to the trains and cars. Any hapless hooligan not showing firm affiliation to either territory will be seen as an easy target for any later riots, and usually ends up with nothing to play with. Once an affiliation has been decided, children will often mark their territory by vomming all over said toys-a heady mixture of fear, jealousy, too much cake, and the fact that they are in an environment containing more germs than a public toilet bowl just used by someone with norovirus, all set the scene for a territorial vomming. All the while, they will be leering at anyone daring to touch their precious bounty, screaming incoherent insults at them at the top of their voices. The piece de resistance of marking their territory is to take a dump in the manky dressing up costume they are wearing-a tactic commonly used by the smirking, potty training child.
Being aggressive when the referee makes a decision they don’t agree with:
So, they’ve checked out the opposition, marked their territory, been given the obligatory slice of cake on entry, and now they’re hungry again. Not just hungry, they are starving. Like a newly turned vampire on a feeding spree, their eyes return to the display of cakes. We all know that soft play arenas tactically display all cakes at child eye level. This leads to the child, hungry for its much needed sugar hit, to run to the display of deliciousness, and start hammering on the glass, with shouts of ‘cake, who are ya? Cake, who are ya? Cake cake cake cake caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake,’ ringing through the arena. There’s no angelic chants of I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles here. Terrified referees, wanting to prevent later sugar loaded meltdowns at nap time, and scared of looking bad in front of the sugar free, all organic, yummy mummy referees, tell the shouting hooligans that cake is out of the question. This leads to a rage so pure, and sheer agitation at the referee’s decision (‘you’re wrong, and you know you are, you’re wrong, and you know you are, I haaaaaaaate you’) that eventually, the hooligan children launch at the referee, and will show their annoyance by attempted kicking, biting, and scratching. This usually results in their removal from area, and threats of being removed from the arena for good.
A full on riot:
While some hooligans have been distracted by the cake, and arguing with the referee, others see this as a prime opportunity to start a riot. They will creep from their designated marked territory, and attempt to take on the opposition. A brawl ensues, with hair being pulled out, while trying to remove dressing up costumes from the opposite Firm. Dolls heads will be torn off in aggressive tugs of war. Brick towers, meticulously built, will come crashing to the ground. Each side fights to emerge victorious. By this time, frazzled referees give in to the hooligans, who are given back handed bribes of the cake they fought so hard for, to force them into
riot vans pushchairs, and be carted away. Referees are later treated for injuries sustained, with intravenous drips of wine.
And THAT is the cycle of football hooliganism in soft plays. It’s a growing threat my friends, stay safe.
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