I’m Better Than A Disney Parent

disney

We were at the park the other day, when sudden and unexpected rumbles of thunder just started to rudely throw their weight around above us, causing some children to scream and run for cover, and the mums to look moderately concerned about the chances of an impending soaking. No rain appeared, but the rapidly increasing decibels were of massive concern to my eldest child, being the quiet and sensitive one that he is. The youngest of course saw this as an ample opportunity to pick out the weak and vulnerable and terrorise them further/eat worms, whatever the main things are he likes to do to amuse himself.
The eldest, firmly in the land of ‘WHY?’ at the moment, hit me with the question: ‘Why do we have thunder?’ I may have known the answer to this at one point in my life, possibly memorised to regurgitate for SATS at school perhaps, but nowadays, with no real interest in the weather, other than whether I can get my washing dry, or which extras I need to pack to keep us all dry/warm on a trip out, I haven’t got a clue. He wouldn’t be interested in a scientific explanation anyway-he’s 3-a few lines in and he would’ve pointed over my shoulder shouting ‘mummy, I can see that cats bumhole,’ or something poo/wee/pants related. So I just said the first thing that came into my head: ‘The lightning says something to the thunder, and the thunder answers back.’ Check. Me. Out! I had just quoted a Julie Andrews film! Was I turning into a Hollywood/Disney parent?! When people think of the epitome of the perfect parenting figure, another Julie Andrews favourite comes to mind-Mary Poppins. Could I finally be turning into this amazing, has-the-answers-to-everything, super groomed, all singing parent I had always dreamed of being?

Well, maybe I’m actually better than this… Let’s really think about it. In The Sound Of Music, Maria is sent to look after 7 kids as a punishment for her total lack of commitment to the cause, and rule breaking, at the nunnery. The nuns knew this was going to be a tough gig, and I bet they thought that looking after 7 of them would definitely have her running back and begging to take that vow of chastity. I became a parent because I was a romanticist, not a rule breaker-I already have the upper hand one of Hollywood’s mother figure icons! Maria then engages the children in activities she has been strictly forbidden to let them take part in, and encourages them to consistently lie to their father about it. In a surely misguided attempt at becoming BFF’s, she also covers for Liesl when she is found sneaking back in through a window after having snuck down a drainpipe to snog, and perform pirouetting split leaps around a glass gazebo, with a Nazi sympathiser.

She endangers the lives of the children by taking them on a boat trip with no life rings on board, and no prior strategy as to how she would single handedly rescue them all should the boat sink/upturn. We don’t even know if she has gathered information on whether all of them can swim. Not content with corrupting the children to totally rebel against their Father’s every core value, when The Captain finally finds happiness with another woman after years of misery over losing his first wife-Maria is having none of this. She makes swoony eyes at him over a grotesque puppet show, trying desperately to catch his attention with her vocal yodelling gymnastics. When this fails, she finally seduces him at a party, in full view of all the other guests, and his fiancée. Some seriously questionable life lessons here Maria, don’t you think?! Ok, so she has a mini wobble of consciousness about this, and runs back to the nuns, where she still can’t commit to the cause, but only gets the guy for sure, when the baroness leaves The Captain, having witnessed the Laendler Of Seduction between him and Maria, and leaves to maintain her dignity.

Mary Poppins: Ok, this Disney parenting favourite is clearly into two things-witchcraft, and drugs. She floats in, out of nowhere, and nobody questions who she is and where she came from-clearly she has spent years honing the skills of the occult, and is a certified witch. Her skills of bribery are that blatant, that nobody has ever questioned the cutesy song made up about them-‘A Spoon Full Of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down.’ Right, so she doesn’t bother to hide the fact she is bribing the children, and goes straight in for the hard stuff when doing it-she offers pure sugar on a spoon as a reward for doing what she wants!! She doesn’t even hide it in a biscuit, or any other snack that might look good in public to onlookers, but is really laden with the sugar hard stuff-she offers pure sugar. Such are her skills, nobody has ever questioned this.

She too is no stranger to endangering the children’s lives, by letting them run around on rooftops with a hoard of unruly tap dancing and can-canning chimney sweeps, and let’s not mention her weird relationship with Bert-how the hell do they know each other? My ultimate conspiracy theory is that the elusive ‘spoonful of sugar’ she is offering to help the ‘medicine’ go down, isn’t actually sugar at all. It appears probable that it is actually either a) a hallucinatory drug causing the children to think they can jump into paintings, and meet men who can float on the ceiling, where she can have a good witchy laugh at them while they’re high, or b) a sedative so that the children just sleep all day while she puts her feet up reading Witch Weekly and getting sloshed, and the children just dream the entire trippy events of the film while they are out for the count.

So there you have it-if these are the finest in Hollywood/Disney parenting figures the world has to offer, I think it’s actually me who is Practically Perfect In Every Way!!

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

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38 Comments

  1. May 2, 2016 / 7:46 am

    I love Julie Andrews and I am so impressed you just quoted The Sound Of Music off the top of your head. Very funny post. #bigpinklink

  2. May 2, 2016 / 7:53 am

    haha mad read lol x #bigpinklink

  3. May 2, 2016 / 8:08 am

    haha brilliant post 🙂 And so true! What were Maria and Mary like ey. My son seems obsessed with anything poo/bum/pee related too. He also finds it hilarious when one of our cat washes his willy. great. #bigpinklink

  4. May 2, 2016 / 8:09 am

    I never thought about Maria and Mary Poppins in that way… will never watch those films in the same light again! #bigpinklink

  5. May 2, 2016 / 8:25 am

    Haha I have always said that Mary Poppins is a terrible nanny. At least I have the sense to hide the sugar in biscuits when I am bribing the children!
    #bigpinklink

  6. May 2, 2016 / 8:35 am

    Hahaha – I love your analyses of these two films, I won’t ever see them in the same way again! And you are absolutely right in your descriptions – makes you wonder what people were thinking to leave the kids with Maria or Mary! #bigpinklink

  7. May 2, 2016 / 8:53 am

    But I love Mary Poppins!! I am using her as my role model. But she does fly in and out whenever she pleases…yeah…starting to see your point … Huh! Quitter. #bigpinklink

  8. May 2, 2016 / 9:00 am

    I love disney!! An i never thought of comparing parenting to them before!! i am going to be watching all of them now, thinking harder than i should bout them haha
    Great post!
    Lx
    http://workingmumy.blogspot.com
    #bigpinklink

  9. May 2, 2016 / 9:13 am

    I’m always thinking of the parenting fails in film/TV ha ha!!! Harry Potter has terrible parenting & don’t get me started on frozen! #big pink link lifeinthemumslane

  10. May 2, 2016 / 9:38 am

    so funny! just brilliant – On Maria checking whether they could all swim – inspired! Medicinal highs – funny! References on these two nanny types perhaps weren’t truthful before employment! #BigPinkLink

  11. May 2, 2016 / 9:51 am

    Haha I love this, I have never realised what you said to be true before now! Wow we are practically perfect for sure!! I do love Mary Poppins though, I feel like I want to watch it after this!! #bigpinklink

  12. May 2, 2016 / 10:46 am

    You have changed forever how I will view Julie Andrews, thanks for making me smile on a non smiley day ⭐️

  13. May 2, 2016 / 11:00 am

    I love this! So so funny. I’ve always felt Mary Poppins is pretty suspect – definitely with you on the drugs theory and I think making clothes out of curtains is taking upcycling too far!!! #bigpinklink

  14. May 2, 2016 / 11:01 am

    I don’t think I’ll every be able to look at Mary Poppins in the same way again! Love this post #bigpinklink x

  15. May 2, 2016 / 11:21 am

    This is super cute! Strangely I’ve never seen The Sound Of Music, but your Mary Poppins interpretation is right on! I never thought about it with quite that spin, but so hilarious. Great post!
    #bigpinklink

  16. May 2, 2016 / 11:23 am

    This is very true, and something I’ve never thought about before!! But then who knows how we’d act if we were thinking of fleeing a dictatorship or, erm, a bank manager father?! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink 🙂

  17. May 2, 2016 / 2:28 pm

    Haha, brilliant. Love the bit about Mary Poppins, I mean seriously is she out of her mind giving children pure sugar! #bigpinklink

  18. May 2, 2016 / 2:40 pm

    So perfect in every way! I was waiting for you to quote ‘drip drip drop little April showers’, but perhaps bursting into song in the park is a little much to ask!?! Great post #bigpinklink

  19. May 2, 2016 / 3:17 pm

    Those dresses in the Sound of Music were pretty grim! Definitely a parenting crime … Fortunately before the days of social media! OTH, Maria did save the children from the Nazi’s

  20. May 2, 2016 / 7:25 pm

    Brilliant!!! I love that you take Mary Poppins, 1 of my childhood film favourites and make her a witch and one of my least favourite and make her the worst nanny in existence. A great unearthing! #bigpinklink

  21. May 2, 2016 / 8:41 pm

    This is very funny, love it! What about Nana the dog nanny in Peter Pan – at least you’re human! 😉
    Thanks for hosting #BigPinkLink xx

  22. May 3, 2016 / 10:16 am

    Just popping back for #passthesauce! Love this post.

  23. May 3, 2016 / 1:18 pm

    I love this!
    The original Mary Poppins is so different to the film. She was totally a big bitch!

  24. May 3, 2016 / 4:10 pm

    Parents and Disney don’t have the greatest track record!

    Have you read the Mary Poppins books? She is a far more terrifying woman than the film. The most damning is her ability to speak to snakes and Harry Potter fans know what that means…

    #bigpinklink

  25. May 3, 2016 / 9:15 pm

    love this its so brilliant! thanks for sharing and your so winning :)#Bigpinklink

  26. May 4, 2016 / 2:58 am

    A great post to read, very funny! #bigpinklink

  27. May 4, 2016 / 12:05 pm

    Love it! I never thought of it that way before. xx
    #passthesauce

  28. May 4, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    Love this! Your posts always crack me up. Seriously though, Disney can shove over thinking it contains only perfect parents, my parenting role model is Flop from Bing, he’s the calmest single parent I’ve ever seen. Xx #bigpinklink

  29. May 4, 2016 / 3:15 pm

    You make a very good point! Your fabulous: “after having snuck down a drainpipe to snog, and perform pirouetting split leaps around a glass gazebo, with a Nazi sympathiser” nearly made me choke on my tea! Fantastic and I totally agree. That Ms Poppins does employ some rather dubious child care tactics. Although I do believe that my changing bag has been modeled on her nanny bag, and may indeed include a free standing lamp (among the free roaming wildebeest and countless free purple plastic spoons from many a Bounty Pack).
    Thanks for linking up with us! #passthesauce x

  30. May 4, 2016 / 8:06 pm

    This is so funny! Now you mention it, maybe we are doing pretty awesomely and don’t need to feel bad in the slightest! 😀 I love that cat’s bumholes are of fascination to children everywhere and not just my two!

  31. May 5, 2016 / 12:37 pm

    I love Mary Poppins but she certainly has questionable tactics lol! The dancing around chimney tops not being her wisest idea! #bigpinklink

  32. May 6, 2016 / 1:35 am

    FINALLY somebody else thinks Mary Poppins was a bad nanny! I used to say this as a kid and my parents never saw this view. Ironically they were very strict and we never had nannys#bigpinklink

  33. May 6, 2016 / 6:10 am

    A great post. Not sure I’d be impressed if I left my kids with a nanny and they went off galvanising with a chimney sweep! #fridayfrolics

  34. May 6, 2016 / 11:46 am

    This made me laugh so much. Especially the blatant bribery of a spoonful of sugar. I am the child that spent hours clicking my fingers at my toys wishing they would tidy themselves away. I also vividly remember asking my Dad why nobody sings all the time like they do in Mary Poppins. He told me it was because we didn’t have a piano! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  35. May 7, 2016 / 5:18 am

    Ok, I love those movies and Julie Andrews too much to agree with you on any of these points. When admiration simply overwhelms, you can forgive and forget anything. Fab take on these classic movies…I did watch the documentary on the making of The Sound Of Music and the youngest actress could not swim when they were filming! And yes, my dear, you are definitely better than a Disney Parent!

  36. May 9, 2016 / 8:43 pm

    I love both Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke. Me and the kiddlers can be found doing the old bamboo dance from chitty chitty bang bang on the way to school with alarming regularity. I have a brood of 4 on mondays and tuesdays, and we all sing “Doe a Dear” while my 8 year old niece slowly murders it on the recorder. These films were the backbone of my childhood, and I somehow never question the skills of Julie Andrews….until now! I LOVED this post. #Fridayfrolics.

  37. May 29, 2016 / 2:56 am

    LOL! This is funny!I don’t think I’ll be able to look at Mary Poppins in the same way again! #bigpinklink x