I’m Just A Bit Mental At The Moment

mental health

I’ve been telling myself for quite a long time now, that ‘it’s ok, you’re just a little bit mental at the moment, you’ll be alright soon.’ Because often, we find ourselves tired, stressed, juggling 6.2 billion plates with just two hands (often while the other halves casually spin just the one on the tip of their finger-they totally have the other hand free to catch it with, if it falls,) and it all can make us feel just slightly crazy.

Except I noticed that I was telling myself week after week that the mentalness was going to go away, and making more excuses when it didn’t. I needed ‘that event’ over with, or when I’d had ‘that day to myself,’ that’s when I was going to be fine. Except, I still wasn’t. Before I knew it, I was in a painfully familiar pit of not wanting to leave the house, making excuses not to leave the house, crying in secret, and trying to hide the fact that I wanted to be crying the rest of the time too, but didn’t want to do it in front of the children, and everyone else I know, and dwelling on the fact that I wished I’d punched Becky from school in the face in 1993, when she said the best thing that could happen to me would be for me to be run over by a bus. I know we are told that violence solves nothing, but responding like that would’ve been really fucking satisfying.

Here is an example of my stream of consciousness, when I’m particularly batshit:
*Wake up, ears are ringing, head feels foggy for no reason*
‘This is going to be a terrible day.’
‘Don’t leave the house today because BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.’
‘The children won’t eat anything decent all day. Go on, give them the full sugar breakfast, and then they’ll get diabetes, and you’re going to feel like SHIT.’
‘Ooooh, what’s that on the news? Someone has a terrible illness? You better add that to the list of illnesses you need to be vigilant for, because the children can’t be left without a mother.’
‘Well, they could be, because you’re actually a shit one, and they’d be better off without you.’
‘In fact, if you did die, nobody would actually notice, because nobody really cares.’
‘Remember not to go out today, or if you do, just go to the park and stay in one corner, where you don’t have to talk to any other humans-you are shit at making friends, and you’ll make a dick of yourself.’
‘Oh, you’re looking forward to Mr W coming home are you? I don’t really know why he stays with you-you’re completely dragging him down. He should be with someone much prettier, thinner, funnier, and just, well, better, than you. He’ll probably be off at some point and then what will happen, you’ll have NOBODY.’
‘Stop snapping at the children, you used to be so patient. There’s another good quality you can tick off the list, that you don’t have anymore.’
‘Conserve energy for bedtime, because the children have decided that as you’re the worst mother ever, they’re going to bring you to your knees-you totes deserve it though, for being an all around crappy waste of space.’
‘By the way, while you’re being selfishly self absorbed with these thoughts, and only thinking about yourself, your mum told the eldest off for saying bugger. He’s replied with “it’s not as bad as fuck, nanny.” who swears in front of their fucking kids?’

Like I said-totally batshit. And it’s just soooooooo exhausting. I start every day feeling like I’ve run a marathon. Stuff hurts, that has no reason to be hurting. My eyes ache, my throat feels course, my stomach cramps, and my arms and legs feel like they’re made of lead. Everything sends me into fight or flight-even just handing over money at the till at the shop. The thought of coming to my laptop to write something, was making me feel sick. Plus, not going anywhere, and feeling like I was on the precipice of some kind of life destroying incident all the time, was becoming too much.

I went out last week to get my hair cut, which I was actually looking forward to, (I took this as a step forward,) until the hairdresser heard ‘can you please cut it a couple of inches below my shoulders,’ as ‘do whatever the fuck you want!!’ and gave me a long bob. I didn’t panic as much as I thought I would, about a) actually going there, and b) not being able to wear my hair in the bun it’s been sporting everyday for the last 5 years. It goes into a half bun now, so I resemble a mental hipster, minus ironic beard (unless you count the odd PCOS related chin hair flapping around.)

I’m also seeing a person. Someone actually qualified to deal with the mental. Someone taking my mental seriously, who has a plan. I feel better knowing there’s a plan, because although I’ve tried to embrace the crazy as being one of my quirks, and as a part of me, I also can’t and don’t want to, live with it to this extent anymore. So, it’s time to take a stand.

19 Comments

  1. May 12, 2017 / 8:25 pm

    So so much of this resonates. Too much probably. Always good to have a plan my dear. You have so got this. Virtual love xxx

    • This Mum's Life
      May 12, 2017 / 8:43 pm

      Thanks so much Lucy. I’m sorry you are going through something similar… The plan is definitely a good starting point xx

  2. May 13, 2017 / 5:29 am

    I get it completely. Anxiety is crippling and it comes in waves / tsunamis and completely engulfs us. The tide will go back out, because all things are only ever for now, but sometimes we need the help to reinforce the flood defences. It might feel like the loneliest place on Earth right now – but I promise you’re not alone. So many people will find strength and comfort in you sharing this so that they know they aren’t alone too. I think you’re incredible. And if it helps – even just a tiny bit – I’m here, and I have a bucket. Probably a little pic of JDM too just for you. Sending hugs via blue tooth or Wi-Fi or whatever the fudge this is coming to you via. Lots of love xxxx

    • This Mum's Life
      May 14, 2017 / 2:48 pm

      Aaaah, what an amazing comment… I want to laugh, cry, hug you, and swoon over JDM all at once! You’ve summed it up perfectly-it’s always ‘for now,’ and not ‘for ever.’ But I find my main panic is that it will be for ever, which cripples the most. Lots of love right back at ya xxxxxx

  3. May 13, 2017 / 6:10 am

    Thank you for bravely writing this. I have all of this and I don’t have kids (yet, hopefully, maybe – if I can get over worrying about being crap for them). Help is good. Help is healing and helps me cope. I’m reaching out for some help after my miscarriage and I felt odd that I was doing so because I wasn’t a suicidalnshaking sobbing mess like before. But I don’t want to go to dark places anymore and I’d like to catch myself on the way down and head back up. I don’t have to hit rock bottom to need a little help. Oops sorry that was a really long comment. Good luck and hugs 🤗

    • This Mum's Life
      May 14, 2017 / 2:50 pm

      Thank you so much, and sending the hugs right back at ya xxxx
      That’s a good strategy-to get the help before you hit the bottom. The dark places can be very dark, and if someone can stop you going there, they’re worth their weight in gold. Good luck on your journey xx

  4. May 15, 2017 / 8:06 am

    Excellent idea to see someone if you aren’t feeling the way you want to be feeling. You deserve to live the life you want without all the anxiety! #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      May 15, 2017 / 8:59 am

      Thanks Heather! X

  5. May 15, 2017 / 8:14 am

    Oh Lucy, having met you at BML I just want to let you know that I think you’re such a beautiful person. It radiated from you in ridiculous proportions. And I’m really not just saying that. I’m so sad to learn that you’re experiencing this. Life can be so cruel as you appear to be someone who has so much to offer – so much good to offer, I wish you could believe that about yourself and I hope that by talking and by writing you’ll begin to believe this too. Oh I wish I lived nearer as I’d be round with cake and coffee and chats. Sending love xx #BigPinkLInk

    • This Mum's Life
      May 15, 2017 / 8:59 am

      Aargh Helen, I’m just having a little cry at this…!! What a gorgeous comment, you are so lovely😭😭. Thank you, I’m trying to get back to that person, the one you perceived-she’s just got lost a bit somewhere at the moment! Xx

  6. May 15, 2017 / 8:17 am

    COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from. So strange, I just had this realisation over the weekend that I put too much pressure on myself and that it’s all in my head. Even little things, like when I go for a run, I think to myself, “oh I should be running faster, I’m not putting enough effort in” or with Bear, “I’m ignoring him and should be playing with him more” but this pressure is all pressure that I give myself. For some reason I thought it was external but I realise now it’s only me that’s doing it to myself. I’m trying to recognise when I do it and stop myself from the first thoughts before going into a downward spiral . Basically we are doing the best we can and shouldn’t give ourselves such a hard time! ❤️❤️❤️ #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      May 15, 2017 / 8:54 am

      Oooh yes-you’ve hit the nail on the head there! It’s our heads, and entirely our heads, that give us this pressure, and spiralling out of control is too easy. Hopefully I can learn some techniques to catch it before it gets out of hand xx

  7. May 15, 2017 / 8:21 am

    Oh Lucy this makes me sad. I had no idea you were feeling like this. I am glad you are getting the help you need, no one should live with these thoughts. You are very brave to write it all down. I hope you can rid yourself of all of this soon. #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      May 15, 2017 / 8:51 am

      Thanks Kirsty. I’m hopeful I will come out the other side… xx

  8. May 15, 2017 / 8:23 am

    Anxiety is crap. Thank you for writing a post with such honesty. I wish you all the best and send you (((hugs))) #bigpinklink

    • This Mum's Life
      May 15, 2017 / 8:50 am

      Thanks very much. Anxiety does suck doesn’t it?? X

  9. May 21, 2017 / 8:44 pm

    oh lady I feel you! Sometimes the simpliest thing sets my anxiety off . It needs to o do one and then we can lead our lives worry free! #bigpinklink

  10. May 22, 2017 / 12:41 am

    I can relate. I have many of the same or similar thoughts too, and constant anxiety. I’ve been thinking maybe I should try to see someone too. Glad having a plan is making you feel a bit better. #BigPinkLink

    • This Mum's Life
      May 22, 2017 / 7:27 am

      Seeing someone has definitely made me feel much better already-if you can, I think it can make a huge difference xx

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