For anyone who hasn’t had a baby, having one can be likened to losing your virginity: Often, the anticipation is a lot more exciting than the real event, it will change your relationship with the person it was with, for ever, you will find that everyone has an opinion on the right and the wrong time to do it, it will be flipping messy, and it may be with the wrong person. Importantly, once it’s done, there’s no going back, and finally, like cashing in the V card, nothing (not even the frankest dissection of the event with your best friends who have ‘been there’) will prepare you for it. Anyone can throw in their advice (and they will) on what it will be like, and how you will cope with it, but only when you do it yourself, will you understand. BUT, where the two events differ, is while the feelings from that first venture into the unknown fade, the aftershocks from the life changing eruption of having a baby, continue, hitting you smack in the face with how it will change everything you thought you knew about yourself, and your life…
Maybe you will be in the shower, about to faint because you haven’t eaten for three days, that a shred of realisation takes hold about what your life has become. A tiny human has been glued to your arms, their relentless sucking putting your Dyson (which won’t be seeing the light of day for a while) to shame. Not being able to prize the constantly sucking (and if not sucking, still needing to be attached to your arms because it’s the only place they will sleep) person away from yourself, and only having one pair of arms, means that unless you want to eat your food like you are apple bobbing, eating fell to the bottom of your list of priorities.
It could be when the lady at the bank asks for your name and address, and it takes you a full 5 minutes for you to remember, before forgetting why you were even in the bank in the first place, that the seed of realisation really takes hold, and you panic a little about the enormity of what you’ve taken on. Dear God, prizing the information from a part of your brain which used to function normally, and procure this information without you having to even think about it, is too much for you, because you will probably be more worried about whether death by tiredness or the sound of your baby’s screams, are a thing.
In the dark, early days of having my first baby, these things happened to me. They came along with a catalogue of other shocks which constantly made me evaluate the decision I had made, and reflect on my old life in a way I never had before. This blog was born from the hours I spent each day, traipsing the streets of my city with my new born, who would only sleep in his pushchair (and I was fed up of reading the books which alleged that if you followed their instructions to the letter, your baby would sleep whenever you wanted it to, for how long you wanted it to, at the times of the day deemed ‘correct’ by the authors of this fiction.) It was bullshit, didn’t work, and only increased the sense of failure I already felt at feeling confident I could be a capable mum, then seeing this illusion shattered into a million pieces (authors of these crappy books, you know who you are) Along with the walking, my thoughts and musings on motherhood, and the massive adjustments to my new reality came along. I wanted to share them with others, so here they are! Welcome to my journey!
Thanks for reading