Parents Evening…?


My mum had an hilarious take on parents evening, when she announced one year ‘I’m not going to parents evening anymore-half the teachers don’t even seem to know who you are, and after I got to the RE teacher, he said exactly the same thing to me that he did to the parent in front of me, and then said exactly the same to the one after me. What a waste of time.’ Admittedly, there had been an incident one year when my drama teacher (who I think was either on drugs, or had the beginnings of dementia,) genuinely couldn’t recall who I was. Instead of winging it, he spent the entire appointment apparently shaking his head, eyebrows raised, looking to the sky, trying and failing to bring a picture of me to mind, with my mums increasingly exasperated descriptions of me falling on a blank face. I totes made an impression there then… Parents evening was not popular in our house.

So why am I talking about parents evening when my children aren’t at school? Well, I was absentmindedly scrolling the relentless crappy emails on my phone, bypassing things I really need to unsubscribe from-Achica (never really have anything I want,) Loaf (too cool for school, mostly can’t afford it,) the place where we went on our honeymoon (really need to unsubscribe from their emails, I cry every time I see that place, knowing I’ll never go there again-they sensibly don’t allow children…) when I saw an email entitled ‘Parents Evening.’ What the hell? I opened it to find it was from our eldest’s nursery. Yes-a nursery wanted us to go in for parents evening? I was torn between laughing out loud, and crying at how ridiculous the world has become. I settled for somewhere between the two.

What were they going to tell me? What I already knew-that my son is an absolute angel for anyone apart from me, and at the mere sniff of my presence, he goes all split personality, crazy assed Damien on me? Oh my goodness, apparently we were going to get to ‘try out’ some of the crafts the children get to do while they’re there. Ok, I’m all for doing my very best to attempt crafts and stuff during working hours, but when the children are asleep, that is wine and Netflix time. That is NOT, under any circumstances, time to waste doing crafts that you will struggle to remember the next day, and will never in a month of Sundays have all of the materials for, just conveniently at your disposal.

Maybe they wanted to kill us with more buzzwords? During the nursery introductory talk, when the eldest was doing his settling in session, caught between the excitement of being in a room, with my husband, away from our own house, and the fact that the lady talking to us was apparently having a buzzword competition with herself to see how many she could fit into one sentence, my attention kept drifting. I’m sure I re-joined the conversation at one point where it sounded like she was saying ‘your son will be greeted at the door by a unicorn each morning he arrives, which will take him down the correct spiritually enlightening path, to the activity that will meet his emotional, spiritual, psychosocial and physical needs. Fairies will wipe his bum and attend to his every pampering need, including a weekly manicure and pedicure…’ It was something along those lines anyway.

Maybe they wanted to discuss the menu? I kid you not, the typical menu for this nursery goes as follows: Slow braised beef with home grown beans from our very own nursery garden, lightly seasoned tortilla slices, with an optional side of home made tomato sauce, made with organic tomatoes. Pudding will be fresh banana loaf (made from organic, fair trade bananas,) served with a selection of organic and fair trade fruit. The vegetarian option will be a butter bean cassoulet, which will also be suitable for vegans.’ Maybe they were thinking of introducing:

  1. Unicorn urine instead of water-apparently it contains all the vitamin D the children need, so no need to worry about the threat of a rickets pandemic.
  2. 24 hour slow cooked unicorn-the unicorns love the children so much, they have offered themselves as a sacrifice, as one bite of their magical flesh will provide instant immunity from all childhood illnesses.
  3. Replace all pasta products with substitutes made from fairy hair-these would naturally be carb free, suiting the Paleo mummies who sometimes can’t even step foot into the nursery at the mere sight of the word ‘pasta’ on the menu.
  4. Replace anything requiring potatoes, with sweet potatoes (see point 3.)
  5. Combine the faeces of the children, the unicorns, and the fairies, to make the ultimate fertiliser for the nursery’s home grown vegetable crop-the latest studies have shown that if the children eat food grown in this soil, this makes the chances of them being fluent in at least 3 languages, and able to read and write to GCSE standard by the time they leave the nursery, increase by 74%

Of course, there would also be the lusting over Lolita going on. Lolita is one of the girls who works at the nursery, who is the talk of the dads. Not only the dads, my children, even the one who only gets to see her when we do the drop off, are totally in love with her. She looks about 16, has long, lushious hair, and a high pitched, oh so girly voice, that makes her the perfect girl next door fantasy. What I really don’t want is the awkwardness of all the dads drooling over Lolita, while she’s dancing around, waving her pert bum, probably braless, as her perfect boobs stay up all by themselves, throwing back her hair and infecting the minds of tired, overworked, sex deprived dads with her girly giggles. You can just imagine them all trooping home to bang one out in the shower when they get home.

Ooooh, I scroll down further, they ARE offering wine at this event! But unless there is a bed, a giant screen, and a choice of Netflix, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, and I’m exempt from doing the craft activities, I don’t think I want to go. Unless of course they can arrange for Ian Somerholder to be there to be there feeding me the wine, and giving me a foot massage while I make scented, sensory playdough, or am exploring my emotions through puppet play, then I might be tempted…


The head of the first sacrificial unicorn. It’s being kept on a bench at the nursery, to remind the children to be thankful for what it has done.

Thanks for reading!


Life Love and Dirty Dishes




  1. May 8, 2016 / 7:15 pm

    I sent my husband to one of these. He made a very sad, very crap pot and drew an equally pants picture, (sorry darling!!), which have been immortalised forever more in photo form in her learning journey. Along with a picture of him on a child’s chair, (he’s 6’6!), looking pretty miserable making it. Oh how I laughed!! Thanks for being such a fab-tastic co-hostess with the mostest! #bigpinklink

  2. May 8, 2016 / 8:35 pm

    This is the funniest post I have read for a long time! Lolita sounds a bloody nightmare, how uncomfortable! I am so glad that our nursery workers aren’t like that, i don’t have to be at all self conscious for showing up with no makeup on, hair frizz and the same uniform of grey sweatshirt and jeans at every nursery drop off. Parents evening for that age is ridiculous but could be quite funny – and good blogging material! My little one is quiet as a mouse at nursery and feisty as anything at home (especially after nursery as she has been repressing it all morning!) so I know how you feel. And that menu sounds fantastic! Ours is more traditional ‘chicken casserole’ and ‘fish pie’, sort of 1950s home cooked meals. I think toddler had arctic roll for pudding the other day – so retro I didn’t think it still existed! Enjoy your sponge painting whilst knocking back the white wine…#bigpinklink (yes I am a keen bean).

  3. May 9, 2016 / 8:11 am

    hysterical!!! my son was recently served ‘duck a lorange’ and ‘chicken jalfrezi’ for lunch and at parents eve the teacher enquired WHY he doesn’t eat the school lunch. I wonder…#bigpinklink x

  4. Nige
    May 9, 2016 / 8:12 am

    Really funny post we went to parents evening recently I do wonder why they bother
    Thanks for hosting the #bigpinklive

  5. May 9, 2016 / 8:14 am

    Haha this made me laugh, especially the picture of the unicorn at the end. Parents evening at nursery seems like such a crazy concept to me. Maybe you should send hubby over to do the crafts and you can stay at home with wine and netflix?xx #bigpinklink

  6. May 9, 2016 / 8:16 am

    Oh god I didn’t know these existed! We send my little girl to childminder as all the nurseries are flipping miles away but when I was looking into them and saw the menus I was like ‘WTF, seriously?? They get kids to eat this?’ and I bet they bloody do too.

    I would probably go just for the wine.

  7. May 9, 2016 / 8:28 am

    Woah, how crazy is your nursery’s menu?! Tiddler has to make do with soggy cheese sandwiches (that I hastily slap together in the morning when I’m half asleep) eaten out of his Minions lunchbox. I try and keep it healthy – a couple of those Organix / Goodies gingerbread men and a bit of fruit. Topped off by a handful of mini marshmallows… (he loves them!).

    Did you decide to go to the parents evening in the end? Not sure I’d bother myself though the wine would be tempting… #bigpinklink

  8. May 9, 2016 / 8:30 am

    haha your posts are so funny #bigpinklink

  9. May 9, 2016 / 8:35 am

    Hahah that photo of the unicorn was the frosting to this hilarious cake of a post. What am I saying? Ugh need sleep. Anyway, I was going to suggest that you just bring some wine in a flask and headphones for Netflix on your phone… Haha but realised you DO get wine there, so that should help a bit?? The menu for nursery sounds divine lol, banana pudding with organic fair trade fruit, are you for real?! And LOLITA, is her name really Lolita, Jesus, I wouldn’t go just because of her…sorry but the sex has been lacking since the baby’s birth aaahhh! #bigpinklink

  10. May 9, 2016 / 8:47 am

    OMG – how do the mums cope with Lolita?! Very funny read – I actually want to go to your child’s nursery – not for Lolita lusting but the menu sounds divine – are they for real? Very funny post lovely #BigPinkLink

  11. May 9, 2016 / 8:52 am

    this is why I love blogging. and everything the blogging world has to offer. it has opened up a world of funny people and funny posts to me. Other parents who see the fun in it all and don’t take this parenting thing tooooooo seriously. I love having a laugh and I did reading this. Thanks for my monday morning giggle.

  12. May 9, 2016 / 8:56 am

    This is absolutely brilliant! I remember the ‘parent’s evenings’ at my daughters nursery which had a pretty similar menu to yours! It was things I already knew mostly. I didn’t go to any of the craft events though…I don’t at school either…oops! But at least parents evening at school is a little more productive and informative. And I get to see her work which is just lovely. #bigpinklink

  13. May 9, 2016 / 9:07 am

    Hahah I love this! How hilarious!! We had parents evening this week for my eldest and I made a big effort to have a shower and wear clothes that weren’t covered in handprints or bodily fluids of some kind (the kids, not mine!). I have to confess, I DO love a parents evening. It’s always nice to hear how lovely your child is, I cried twice and showed my son up big time!! #bigpinklink

  14. May 9, 2016 / 9:19 am

    Ahahaha this is hilarious!! Do they really feed them that stuff? Sounds like the things we had on the menu at the 5* hotel I used to work at!! I think it’s highly unnecessary for you to go to this. Although free wine is tempting…why do they think you would want to do crafts?! It’s hard enough to muster the energy to do them at home with your child, why would anyone want to do it on an evening with a bunch of adults?! #bigpinklink

  15. May 9, 2016 / 9:27 am

    Oh what!? There’ll be wine…amazing! Sorry I lost focus there! Some of my friends attended a cookery demonstration at their nursery of their children…yes a cookery demonstration of the food that’s on the menu. Apparently it wasn’t altogether mind blowing. Very funny post, I so love the way you write #bigpinklink

  16. May 9, 2016 / 9:27 am

    hahahaha, that unicorn head is terrifying!! #bigpinklink

  17. May 9, 2016 / 9:53 am

    I am cracking up reading this – so funny! Oh Lolita go away you’re not what we need ha ha! xx #bigpinklink

  18. May 9, 2016 / 10:04 am

    I went to a parents evening at our nursery… there was no offer of wine, no offer of crafts and no unicorn in sight… the only good thing was that none of the workers there look like Lolita (thank God!) – probably because the food is more bangers and mash, and as one of them said to me “we always eat with the children” (as long as they don’t eat the children I’m happy). Love the unicorn head on the bench lol Thank you for hosting #bigpinklink

  19. May 9, 2016 / 10:38 am

    This is brilliant! That’s awful about your mum’s experience at parent-teacher meetings. I’d be quite annoyed. Your description of Lolita is hilarious – I have a mental image of her now! #BigPinkLink x

  20. May 9, 2016 / 10:41 am

    The bit about your drama teacher made me proper LOL! But seriously…. a parents evening!! At a nursery!!!! What’s that all about. Also….very jealous of the restaurant standard cuisine on offer! I have a feeling Mother would take an instant dislike to Lolita….;) #bigpinklink

  21. May 9, 2016 / 10:57 am

    Such a funny read. I remember preschool parents evenings when my eldest was there, they were totally pointless. My youngest has just started at preschool so you’ve reminded me I’ve got this to look forward too haha. #bigpinklink

  22. May 9, 2016 / 11:07 am

    Hah! I’m loving the sound of slow cooked unicorn…!! Mmmhhhh…! I know it’s all a bit strange this parents’ evening lark. I like to find out what’s going on (IF they can remember who your child is!) but I agree that it takes a lot of effort to drag yourself away from Netflix and wine! Hope it all goes well – you’ll have to update us on what happened and with the unicorns!

  23. May 9, 2016 / 11:09 am

    Oh my gosh! I can’t even imagine. Doing regular school parent night is bad enough. But if they served wine it might get much more interesting! 😉

    Your post made me laugh. Thanks for that – and for hosting #bigpinklink!

  24. May 9, 2016 / 11:26 am

    Haha, brilliant post, spot on! We recently had our first nursery parents evening (my son is 2!). My husband wisely dodged it as he’s not home from work in time for our slot. I wisely dodged the craft activities, and sat through being told what an angel my little boy is, how he’s never once thrown a tantrum at nursery – basically that they are experiencing a totally different child to me! They serve a similar menu too – I swear he eats better than me! We didn’t even get wine at ours – rubbish! #bigpinklink

  25. May 9, 2016 / 11:34 am

    oh my gosh hilarious! I had to laugh at this. Most of the time I find parent evenings pretty pointless, we get 10 minutes to discuss our child, I am lucky enough that I usually only need 2, I walk in and they say my child is doing great (they haven’t hit high school yet and my daughters are yet to discover boys), but if I did have an issue I could hardly discuss it in only 10 minutes before being kicked out. #bigpinklink

  26. May 9, 2016 / 11:41 am

    Wow! All I can say is at least you would feel you were getting your money’s worth with the menu. All the nurseries I’ve looked at so far seem to be charging the price of Wagu Unicorn for the option of squash (the sugary drink not the vegetable) and bread sticks. And no Lolitas either. #bigpinklink

  27. May 9, 2016 / 11:41 am

    Well…what happened to that unicorn? Geeze; hearing your pain. Night time is totally ‘my’ time. Obviously I will bend for worthwhile, beneficial meetings, but that is madness. Pull a sickie, I say. #bigpinklink

  28. May 9, 2016 / 12:23 pm

    This is absolute comedy (: You’d think after all these years something would change, just so dam impersonal and it’s an important task getting feedback. No child is EVER the same. Custom feedback please!

  29. May 9, 2016 / 12:28 pm

    The nursery meals sound better than my dinners! My daughter had a parents evening at her nursery, the first words out their mouths were…”she’s very strong minded”.
    Yes I know my child is the female Damien, thank you for telling me. #bigpinklink

  30. May 9, 2016 / 12:36 pm

    This is totally ridiculous. I want you to go though just to red your follow up post! Your description of Lolita made me LOL, I think there must be one at every nursery! 🌸

  31. May 9, 2016 / 12:38 pm

    So funny! Loved the post! #bigpinklink

  32. May 9, 2016 / 1:48 pm

    xD Loved this! Marianna won’t get to enjoy the taste of sweet, sweet unicorn flesh – she’s only going to be doing half days until school proper. I’ve no doubt I’ll still be expected to attend some sort of awkward parents’ engagement day though! x #bigpinklink

  33. May 9, 2016 / 3:39 pm

    Seriously!? They actually serve wine at these things? I daren’t even have coffee before doing the nursery run for fear of getting a bit giddy and admitting that I feed my offspring fishfingers occasionally (as opposed to goujons which are apparently totes ok?)
    Half a sniff of wine nowadays and I’d be dancing on the craft tables!
    Fabulous post! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink x

  34. May 9, 2016 / 3:40 pm

    our nursery has a parents evening (no wine or crafts lol!) and personally I’m really pleased they do. it gives us a chance to ask questions about our sons care and to understand what he does all day. it provides an opportunity to find out more than just what the key person tells me each day. #bigpinklink

  35. May 9, 2016 / 4:09 pm

    Unicorn urine! *snort*
    The world has gone mad. Parents evening and graduation ceremonies for nurseries? Maaaaaaadness! #bigpinklink

  36. May 9, 2016 / 4:36 pm

    Haha this is hilarious!! That is some hardcore parents evening going on at what sounds like a super-duper nursery!! Wine and crafts?! Do they even mix?! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink 🙂

  37. May 9, 2016 / 5:24 pm

    Lolita?! Is that her actual name?! It just befits her description soooo well! Our kids nursery is very small and there are zero members of staff I think my husband would find attractive! But they are ALWAYS female! Why is there not a Channing Tatum lookalike working at my kids preschool ffs?! We had a parents evening recently too though thankfully there were no shit crafts to do. It was just to tell us how they’re getting the eldest prepped for school. An email would’ve sufficed really! And there was NO wine (though I did drink a considerable amount of mulled wine at the carol concert so maybe they thought better of it!) thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  38. May 9, 2016 / 6:31 pm

    Brilliant. I clearly sent my kids to the wrong nursery – ours was more akin to Caterpillar room in Sunnyside from Toy Story 3, and our experience of their open evening was exactly the same as your Mums.
    The pre-school experience has been an improvement, but there was definitely no wine. It was in the morning though to be fair 😉
    Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink!

  39. May 9, 2016 / 6:45 pm

    It really does take all sorts, lol. My son’s school have become very strategic about parents evenings – you are encouraged to bring the children along which saves them the embarrassment of not knowing who your child is😜 #bigpinklink

  40. May 9, 2016 / 7:53 pm

    This is fabulous!
    My son is a ‘character’. His wonderful nursery teachers are all really keen to say how much they will miss him when he starts school in September. This makes me nervous – ‘character’ is the kind of word I, a teacher, might use to describe a ‘nutter’ to their parents when discussing them at Parents’ evening.
    Also, all the other parents know Jet. They all tell me how their child talks about him non stop at home. This worries me on a deep level. What is he doing to them at nursery that means they just can’t get him out of their heads?!
    So many worries!
    x Alice

  41. May 9, 2016 / 9:09 pm

    Your posts never fail to make me laugh, this one was no exception. The menus at nursery always make me laugh too. You’d think they were after a michelin star or something . We didn’t bother with the Hulk’s nursery parents evening this year. I probably offended the nursery worker though when i told her that I didn’t think it mattered if I didn’t go, because really, what amazing insights can you possibly have about a 2 year old?”. She looked at me like I was insulted the very purpose of her existence (which I wasn’t at all). I am so regularly unintentionally rude. I blame the sleep deprivation!

  42. May 9, 2016 / 9:10 pm

    “Trooping home to bang one out”
    Pmsl! So funny.

  43. May 9, 2016 / 9:25 pm

    We’ve got parents’ evening at nursery tomorrow! For the second time, I might add, and my son is not even two. As a teacher, I have been on the other side of the coin though, and teaching hundreds of different kids a week, you definitely don’t remember them all! #bigpinklink

  44. May 9, 2016 / 9:29 pm

    OMG you are utterly hilarious. Number 5…the menu lol! And the shower comment with the dads. PML. Don’t ever stop writing! #BigPinkLink

  45. May 10, 2016 / 3:25 pm

    I’m not really a fan of parents evening either & also had nursery ones to attend which were rather dull & included lots of crappy paintings to look at. My sons this week year was informative but a letter would have done & they always say the same for my daughter is could actually say it for them. #big pink link lifeinthemumslane

  46. May 10, 2016 / 4:15 pm

    I have to go to parents evening for my son’s pre-school, it makes me feel very old and very responsible!! I used to dread parents evening when I was a kid. #bigpinklink

  47. May 10, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    Haha! Our nursery has little ‘parents evenings’ but there is definitely no wine, I’d be more tempted to go if they offered us that!! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink x

  48. May 10, 2016 / 9:04 pm

    Mine have both been at nursery since they were 7 months and we have ‘parents’ evenings’ (well, afternoon meetings) every 6 months since then. They stick to the EYSF standards and monitor their developmental progress in all areas. It was nursery that first alerted me that my son had issues in some areas, at one of such meetings. It led to his autism diagnosis. So they can be really helpful! 🙂
    Also, as a teacher, I am appalled that a teacher couldn’t remember who you were! Though, I am English and so see my classes 4 times a week. Sometimes I *wish* I could forget who some are… 😉 #bigpinklink

  49. May 11, 2016 / 8:02 pm

    Oh my gosh. Can’t believe that they expect it to be fun? If you go… please please please write a blog post about it. I want to know how you get on! #bigpinklink

  50. May 11, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    Pahahaha loved that! I am with you all the way, evening is absolutely not for crafts! We were invited to a nursery parents evening, the staff were very nonchalant about and didn’t seem to want to do it. My daughter goes one day a week and isn’t even two yet so we did not go! She also has a ridiculously pretentious menu, but hey it’s better than the waffles and beans she’s likely to get at home lol. Your post had me chuckling, and annoying the OH who is actually trying to watch Netflix! Xx #bigpinklink

  51. May 11, 2016 / 8:54 pm

    Rev T always does the parents evenings as he works locally and drives. The one time I turned up on my own, the head teacher asked me who I was!!!! Which was fun.

  52. May 12, 2016 / 6:50 am

    Hilarious! Spat my tea on my computer laughing at unicorn lunch. My kids go to retro pre-school which I think hasn’t changed its ways in 30 years (no Lolitas, just Janets and Shirleys). And after reading this I am thankful! #coolmumclub

  53. May 12, 2016 / 4:09 pm

    It does seem bizarre to have a full on appraisal for 3 year olds. We keep getting tasks to make a special friend which sounds like a terrible euphemism.

    Don’t mock unicorns too much. Have you seen what they do in Cabin in the Woods?


  54. May 12, 2016 / 7:42 pm

    Back from #StayClassy, I read it again lol. I wish I was greeted at the door by a unicorn. Mehhhh

  55. May 12, 2016 / 8:53 pm

    eurgh we have to do this every 6 weeks at my sons nursery school and its a painful experience. I tried to skip the last one but the teacher caught me and said ‘I thought you had forgotten to book a time so I have slotted you in this afternoon at 3.10…’ rats I though, another 30 mins looking through the learning journal that will have 3 more pictures in it since last time… And those chairs, why can’t they provide just one adult chair, I almost had to be surgically removed from it when I had to sit on one at 38 weeks pregnant! Thanks for co-hosting! #bigpinklink

  56. May 13, 2016 / 7:43 am

    This post is one of the funniest I have read in ages! I want to eat at your kids nursery, do they let adults go to? I have to say I would put up with the crafts for free wine 🙂 x

  57. May 13, 2016 / 9:50 am

    Bwahahahaha….I will go too if Ian Somerhalder was there! Loved every word. We all know that it the TRUTH! *wink* #FridayFrolics

  58. May 13, 2016 / 12:59 pm

    Ha ha! I remember my parents giving up with parents evening. My languages teacher was complaining that I spent too much time talking in class and didn’t pay attention. When my Dad asked what my predicted grade was she said A. He tlod her he thought I was paying enough attention and left! She was horrible! Thanks for linikng up to #FridayFrolics

  59. May 14, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    So far our parents’ evenings have been very serious affairs after which we’ve rewarded ourselves with a glass of something (or two). I must be missing something!! #coolmumclub

  60. May 14, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    Brilliant, this made me giggle so much, you really do have a way with words. Totally sums up my experiences of nursery although husband never got a look in at any lolita types as I did all the drop offs and pick ups! I can remember going to parent’s evenings for my eldest, it was a brilliant nursery, but even so it was hard to move past the fact that yes she had finally mastered a knife and fork and she said purple with a Scouse accent (the nursery was near work in Liverpool).

    I’m with you the appeal of wine and Netflix wins ever time although I daren’t say Netflix and Chill as I believe that has entirely different connotations and I’m far too tired for that!!!


  61. May 14, 2016 / 9:59 pm

    Haha! Hilarious! I have some amusing parents’ evening stories too. Particularly as my mum was a teacher, my dad a teacher, then a head, then an advisor, then HMI – therefore all of my teachers were terrified of seeing my parents on parents’ evening! I heard somewhere recently that nurseries had started having parents’ evenings – I didn’t want to believe it was true! How silly! #bigpinklink

  62. May 15, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    Ha ha ha awesome! I have totally read this at the wrong time as I am beginning to look at nurseries for bubba and am going to be trying not to laugh whilst looking at the menu and keeping an eye out for unicorn heads!!

  63. May 18, 2016 / 9:33 pm

    Back again to say you still rock! Thanks for linking to #stayclassy

  64. May 20, 2016 / 6:37 pm

    Yeah my youngest’s preschool teacher is forever badgering me about stuff… ‘He’s the third child!’ I fee like screaming, he can do everything himself now anyway!