Social Media Speed Dating

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Picture the scene… You’ve been sat in for far too long, your brain has been slowly rotting for the last 3 years. The brain rot stems from the unique combination of apparently leaving most of it behind in hospital when you had a baby,(I can only assume I was too high on gas and air to remember signing the consent form to have my brain extracted,) and the massive increase in wine consumption that said baby/survival instinct has forced upon you. You and your remaining brain cells have spent so many hours watching back to back Vampire shows, that you are almost no longer able to tell fiction from reality, and are debating checking with The Guiness Book of records whether they have a category for ‘Most Hours of Vampire Shows Watched In A 3 Year Period,’ because you know for a fact that you’d piss all over the competition.

You decide this must come to an end! You’ve got to get back out there, on the ‘scene’ with normal people, doing normal things! You’ve got to get your brain moving again, before it falls out through your nose. So what do you do? You start a blog! The possibilities are endless: You will single handedly grow back your entire brain with all the thinking you will do. You will make cool new blog friends, and go to bloggy events together. Subscribers will come in droves, crying at the end of every post, because they won’t be able to wait for the next! So you’ve brushed off the cobwebs, feel a sense of amazing pride at the appearance of your shiny new blog, you post your first post, and…nothing. Nobody comes, and nobody reads it. You’ve put yourself out there, you’ve taken that leap of faith, and now your confidence is dented.

Your Mum’s advice was always to not over think it, if people know you are desperate, it will put them off. Act cool, and just wait for the readers to come to you-it will be ‘when you least expect it’ apparently. So you wait, and wait… Still nothing. You eventually realise you have to shove your Mum’s advice! You need to really flaunt yourself, go out there and get what you want, lay it firmly on the line-it’s the latest thing you know. You need to speed date. To get what you want, you must go speed dating with social media…. Take a look at the results.

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Facebook: You disappoint me, Facebook. I turned up, with shiny new links which were dressed up to the nines, I’s firmly dotted, and T’s crossed with a flourish. I pored over my status updates, I thought you’d find them witty, but you left me hanging. The first few times I turned up, you stood me up completely, but blinded by desperation, I gave you a few more chances. You still just don’t deliver the goods, and it’s quite rude to leave a girl disappointed you know. She wants to be noticed when she arrives with fresh new content for you-she wants likes! She wants shares! But you are very secretive and elusive with these. I’ve given you enough chances Facebook, and now I’ve had it.

Stumbleupon: I’ve had to distance myself from you, Stumbleupon. I instantly fell in love with you, and I became obsessed with you, stalking you like I do the cast of Suits on E! Online. You just brought so much to the party! You were an endless source of information, and even at my most tired I could stay up go round after round with you, stumbling and stumbling and stumbling… You rewarded me with the thumbs up me and my shiny new posts needed. You seemed to like me so much, you wanted to show me off to thousands of people. I fell so hard, but the obsessive behaviour has to stop, I’m taking a break from you, before you realise and shut me out.

Instagram: You have turned out to be the biggest surprise! I left you until last to try you, because I’d read your bio, I didn’t see how you could help me. How would a few pictures in boxes help people find my posts, in all their brand new glory? I was wrong, you are so much fun! I can amuse myself by making pictures that I can then pee my pants to a little, bringing a little fun to some otherwise monotonous days. Or if the mood takes me, I can take pictures of pretty things I find, and put them through filters to make them even prettier. On top of that, other people who think my pictures are funny, then show an interest in my content! You sly old fox, you!

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Making myself chuckle… My Instagram feed is an eclectic mix…!

Google +: Sorry, you’re weird. I just don’t get you. The shoe is on the other foot this time, and you stalk me. I agreed to check you out, gave you the once over, just didn’t get it, and decided you weren’t for me. Now you keep emailing me, asking if I know certain people, and if I’d like to ‘connect’ with them via you. The thing is, I do know them, but how do you know I know them, when I never mentioned them to you?? I may have to get you formally investigated if this continues.

Pinterest: Oh my goodness, you are such hard work. For a start, you are always perfect. As soon as I saw you, I thought I couldn’t possibly see you again, because you are are full of perfect images, which make me feel a bit dowdy. They make me doubt my posts, no matter how well dressed I think they are. You are always full of ideas for days out, and crafts for us to do, but I never have any of the ‘essential’ items for these ideas to hand, and you seem to think they would be things that every decent parent should always have laying around, and it makes me feel bad. I’m not sure I can keep seeing you, or if you do anything for me.

Twitter: Ssshhhhhhhh, I think you might be ‘the one….’ You have introduced me to some amazing people! Not only that, but you reward my shiny new posts with likes and retweets! Enough to keep me interested, but not too many! And you have introduced me to amazing parties, where other people like myself, come to show off their work-we all get to show it to each other, and our hard work is all worth it! I trust you, and I like you, you are steady and dependable. I think I love you twitter…. You win my social media speed dating contest!

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42 Comments

  1. A Right Royal Mother
    February 29, 2016 / 6:21 am

    Hahah! What a fabulous idea for a post. I have to say, I totally agree with you too! I love twitter and am just about getting to grips with instagram, though my pictures are SO woefully rubbish compared with other people’s. I love the analogy with dating though; makes me feel a little more control if I just don’t ‘get on’ with them! Long my your healthy relationships continue :). Thanks for running this link too! #bigpinklink

  2. February 29, 2016 / 7:30 am

    Not only did I really enjoy reading this, it helped me (a non Instagram user) to discover your Instagram page.

  3. February 29, 2016 / 9:07 am

    Ha ha brilliant post – and I so agree. I’ve found Facebook disappointing, Instagram a pleasant surprise and Twitter to be a god send! Must try harder with Pinterest!! Thanks for sharing xx #bigpinklink

  4. February 29, 2016 / 9:11 am

    This is brilliant! The Google + one made me laugh out load, it is seriously weird! I haven’t got around to using Stumbleupon yet but it sounds like it’s worth it!!

  5. February 29, 2016 / 9:23 am

    Lovely post and so funny, i think twitter might be my one also xx

  6. February 29, 2016 / 9:37 am

    I love this. I opened a Facebook page but haven’t used it yet, not sure that it’s worth the time. Definitely with you on Pinterest. I use it but it’s all so perfect, too perfect at times. Twitter’s definitely great for blogging and it keeps me filled in on the news at the same time, Twitter always seems to know everything first.
    #bigpinklink

  7. February 29, 2016 / 10:03 am

    Love this! Your metanium picture had me creasing up! I have also been disappointed by Facebook and have only really started to get to grips with Twitter. Twitter led me to you and this linky so that has to be good haha! I don’t think I am good enough with the camera to get very far with Instagram. And the others I just can’t handle. #bigpinklink

  8. Jemma
    February 29, 2016 / 10:23 am

    As a very new blogger, this made me giggle so much! I don’t even know what Stumbleupon is but I am going to go and find out now. I get really bogged down by the fact that no one really reads my blog but I know I am a tiny tiny fish in a giant pond. I too love Twitter and feel Facebook is dying a death. #bigpinklink

  9. February 29, 2016 / 10:26 am

    Loved, Loved, Loved this. Twitter wins it for me too. Google plus is batshit weird, can’t get my head around it. Facebook is a love hate relationship for me, as is Insta. Your posts do make me smile my love. #bigpinklink

  10. February 29, 2016 / 10:49 am

    I really love this post!!! It really is like speed dating when entering the world of social media!! My two favourites have definitely got to be Instagram and Twitter, I’ve also met so many lovely people through them both 🙂 Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  11. February 29, 2016 / 11:01 am

    Bwahaha…Too funny! I have to admit that I am so in love with Stumbleupon too! I can spend hours reading and reading – just so many good posts to read and from all sorts of categories! I am not sure if I am quite ready to take the plunge with anything else. I am quite scared of giving my heart away.

  12. February 29, 2016 / 11:01 am

    Haha great post I still don’t really get google plus either but I will persevere

  13. February 29, 2016 / 11:18 am

    brilliant post. And I am with you. Facebook is kinds pointless even thought I love Facebook. Twitter is a winner definitely. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. #bigpinklink

  14. February 29, 2016 / 11:25 am

    Google+ really is such a stalker (well, Google in general, really)!

    I must say, Facebook was my first love and actually brings me the most page views but I suspect that’s just because I don’t use Twitter properly/enough.

    I need to check out StumbleUpon, by the sounds of it…

    #bigpinklink

  15. February 29, 2016 / 12:25 pm

    Ha ha this rings so true, I set up my blog to stop my brain drying out but also to write a diary of life with my little one. For bloggingeneral purposes I’ve only ever used twitter to promote my blog and chat to other bloggers. I think it’s the best platform, allowing you to interact super quickly. Maybe I’ll use the other platforms one day. Claire X #bigpinklink

  16. February 29, 2016 / 1:01 pm

    Think you summed it up pretty well there – I love Pinterest for ideas but have never really invested much time on my boards. Instagram for making life look 10 x better than reality (before posting on Facebook!) but Twitter is where it’s at these days right? #bigpinklink

  17. February 29, 2016 / 1:28 pm

    I really enjoyed this – I thought it going to be about actual dating! but this is far better – and yes LOVE suits (*Harvey 🙂 ) #bigpinklink

  18. February 29, 2016 / 3:10 pm

    LOL! You definitely put an interesting, hilarious, and accurate spin on my feelings for the various media out there. I love this post! I am so aggravated and disappointed with Facebook, which seems to keep devolving into anger, offense, and money grabbing. #bigpinklink

  19. February 29, 2016 / 4:52 pm

    Twitter is an awesome place! I have been on Twitter since it first presented itself and I have loved it ever since. I have watched it grow into this beautiful butterfly for people like us, who need that middle man that we can count on. It is amazing how easy it is to connect with people on Twitter. You can find friends that will last a lifetime on there.

  20. February 29, 2016 / 7:40 pm

    Hahaha! This is so true. Especially the Google+ bit. I feel like I can almost hear the breeze and see the tumbleweeds over there, like in the old west. It’s like Google+ spends loadsof time trying to cajol people into taking to each other but no one actually does! Great post #bigpinklink

  21. February 29, 2016 / 8:58 pm

    I definitely agree that Twitter is The One for bloggy matters! I have also had the Fear and the Angst that people might never read my posts (and still do) and wrote about this very topic not too long ago. It feels like a personal affront when my lovingly written musings don’t get any likes on Facebook. #bigpinklink

  22. February 29, 2016 / 9:49 pm

    Love this, and oh my gosh the metanium picture totally cracked me up! xx #bigpinklink

  23. February 29, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    Hilarious! I have deffo lost my brain to vampire related programmes too, they’re just so complex in their love triangles/squares that I need all my remaining brain cells to figure that out. Great thing about social media is you can date them all at once and none of them even mind 😉😉 xx #bigpinklink

  24. February 29, 2016 / 10:30 pm

    I keep thinking about Instagram but I am yet to start flirting with it properly. Should I go and pull its pigtails? I don’t even know what stumbledupon is. I am not down with the kids (unless you mean on the floor doing duplo). I feel the same about google+, it freaks me out. #thebigpinklink

  25. Robyn
    March 1, 2016 / 8:10 am

    Great post, can totally relate to all of your experiences here, and very well written! I love Twitter the best too and have, at various times, had all the same thoughts as you about the other social media platforms. Incisive and funny!

  26. March 1, 2016 / 8:57 am

    I’m so with you on this, totally echo your sentiments of all of the above. I too think Twitter is my new love, and to think I avoided it for so long! #bigpinklink

  27. Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows
    March 1, 2016 / 11:36 am

    Haha, I feel completely the same about Google+, Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. Those are the only ones I’ve attempted thus far.

    #abitofeverything

  28. March 1, 2016 / 3:08 pm

    This is a really helpful (and witty) post! I have just joined Twitter after years of putting it off as I don’t really understand it. This months job is to investigate how to use it, fingers crossed I’ll stick with it! #bigpinklink

  29. March 1, 2016 / 3:38 pm

    Brilliant post. Very accurately true and amusing at the same time. I have just started speed dating with Insta and Pinterest so the jury is out on those. I smile at the ‘and nothing’ – we have all been there and been there again! As a novice, I would like to share this post on Pinterest. If you don’t hear from me, you might have to rescue as I may just be pinned somewhere by my clothes.

  30. March 1, 2016 / 4:36 pm

    I love this post This Mum’s Life! Cleverly written and it’s so true. I don’t get Google+ and although I keep thinking I should use Pinterest more, I don’t think I have anything “perfect” to contribute amongst the idyllic lifestyle posts and tips out there. My Facebook page is a great hit with my friends (and saves me from boring non-parents with my “mummy updates”) but that’s where the follows end; Instagram is fun, the filters take away my tired post natal complexion; and Twitter has helped me discover more about blogging…including the bigpinklink! I look forward to your next post.

  31. Tracey Abrahams
    March 1, 2016 / 6:15 pm

    Twitter will always be my first love but I am not monogomous Stumbleupon is too damn sexy for me not to seriously flirt with too.

  32. March 1, 2016 / 8:20 pm

    Ha ha this is sooo true! Twitter has become my new best friend as a blogger, despite only really using it to follow people off Geordie Shore before. Now I read amazing blog posts by wonderful people and wonder where it’s been all my life. Facebook plays far too hard to get for my liking and you’re not the only one to be confused by Google+. I don’t get it. I can Google Plus my own blog posts? I’m also in some Google Plus circles but I don’t know how to ever locate these circles again after the initial notification!! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink again – I’m loving this one 🙂

  33. March 2, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    Brilliant and a real guide for a newbie to the dating scene like me! Some of them I have never tried like Google + (yes I don’t get it either) and Stumbleupon. I’ve pretty much fallen out of love with Facebook and just use it to keep up with personal friends and to ‘stalk’ the odd ex-friend.

    I love Pinterest, I know what you mean about the perfectness of it all, but there is a teensy bit of me that aspires to all that (about 1% of my personality).

    Twitter, I am as yet undecided. As I’ve only recently decided to work on my blog (which has been surfacing in many different forms since 2007/8) I have set myself up as a way to connect and get to know people. I guess I will see how it pans out in the future.

    Great post 🙂 Made me giggle
    #bigpinklink

  34. March 3, 2016 / 8:54 am

    This is brilliant and I completely agree with all them. Twitter is definitely the one for me and I have given up in Facebook, it’s just not worth all the hard work. I feel like a granny right now as I’ve never heard of stumble upon, will have to go check it out. This is a great post!xx #coolmumclub

  35. March 3, 2016 / 10:19 am

    OMG I love this! Totally had me nodding in agreement and chuckling. Shhhh I think we are all in love with Twitter. Love that you also find Google plus weird. Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub lovely x

  36. March 3, 2016 / 10:55 am

    Facebook even makes you pay.

    That’s not the kind of date I like!

    #coolmumclub

  37. March 3, 2016 / 4:20 pm

    Brilliant I think Google + is wierd too and have never ventured into stumbleupon or pinterst. #coolmumclub lifeinthemumslane

  38. March 4, 2016 / 11:04 am

    Brilliant – and I couldn’t agree more! Twitter is definitely the one! Love your take on this. Oh yes, and I’m totally obsessed with StumbleUpon too!
    #coolmumclub

  39. March 4, 2016 / 2:02 pm

    This really made me laugh. So true. Especially Pintrest being so perfect. I feel very out of place there! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  40. March 4, 2016 / 3:26 pm

    Love this! So with you on Google +, it is very weird! x #FridayFrolics

  41. March 4, 2016 / 6:20 pm

    Haha! Brilliant post (The kind of post I secretly wish id written 🙂 ) ! I literally have no idea what Google+ or Stumbleawotsit is. I once bribed complete strangers on Twitter (I am also in love with Twitter) with a bags of Maltesers if they read my blog as nobody had read anything. Desperatley needy .. moi?

  42. Sassy
    March 15, 2016 / 5:46 pm

    Haha I absolutely love this! Twitter and I are long lost soul mates 😉 xxx #Abitofeverything