Picture the scene… You’ve been sat in for far too long, your brain has been slowly rotting for the last 3 years. The brain rot stems from the unique combination of apparently leaving most of it behind in hospital when you had a baby,(I can only assume I was too high on gas and air to remember signing the consent form to have my brain extracted,) and the massive increase in wine consumption that said baby/survival instinct has forced upon you. You and your remaining brain cells have spent so many hours watching back to back Vampire shows, that you are almost no longer able to tell fiction from reality, and are debating checking with The Guiness Book of records whether they have a category for ‘Most Hours of Vampire Shows Watched In A 3 Year Period,’ because you know for a fact that you’d piss all over the competition.
You decide this must come to an end! You’ve got to get back out there, on the ‘scene’ with normal people, doing normal things! You’ve got to get your brain moving again, before it falls out through your nose. So what do you do? You start a blog! The possibilities are endless: You will single handedly grow back your entire brain with all the thinking you will do. You will make cool new blog friends, and go to bloggy events together. Subscribers will come in droves, crying at the end of every post, because they won’t be able to wait for the next! So you’ve brushed off the cobwebs, feel a sense of amazing pride at the appearance of your shiny new blog, you post your first post, and…nothing. Nobody comes, and nobody reads it. You’ve put yourself out there, you’ve taken that leap of faith, and now your confidence is dented.
Your Mum’s advice was always to not over think it, if people know you are desperate, it will put them off. Act cool, and just wait for the readers to come to you-it will be ‘when you least expect it’ apparently. So you wait, and wait… Still nothing. You eventually realise you have to shove your Mum’s advice! You need to really flaunt yourself, go out there and get what you want, lay it firmly on the line-it’s the latest thing you know. You need to speed date. To get what you want, you must go speed dating with social media…. Take a look at the results.
Facebook: You disappoint me, Facebook. I turned up, with shiny new links which were dressed up to the nines, I’s firmly dotted, and T’s crossed with a flourish. I pored over my status updates, I thought you’d find them witty, but you left me hanging. The first few times I turned up, you stood me up completely, but blinded by desperation, I gave you a few more chances. You still just don’t deliver the goods, and it’s quite rude to leave a girl disappointed you know. She wants to be noticed when she arrives with fresh new content for you-she wants likes! She wants shares! But you are very secretive and elusive with these. I’ve given you enough chances Facebook, and now I’ve had it.
Stumbleupon: I’ve had to distance myself from you, Stumbleupon. I instantly fell in love with you, and I became obsessed with you, stalking you like I do the cast of Suits on E! Online. You just brought so much to the party! You were an endless source of information, and even at my most tired I could stay up go round after round with you, stumbling and stumbling and stumbling… You rewarded me with the thumbs up me and my shiny new posts needed. You seemed to like me so much, you wanted to show me off to thousands of people. I fell so hard, but the obsessive behaviour has to stop, I’m taking a break from you, before you realise and shut me out.
Instagram: You have turned out to be the biggest surprise! I left you until last to try you, because I’d read your bio, I didn’t see how you could help me. How would a few pictures in boxes help people find my posts, in all their brand new glory? I was wrong, you are so much fun! I can amuse myself by making pictures that I can then pee my pants to a little, bringing a little fun to some otherwise monotonous days. Or if the mood takes me, I can take pictures of pretty things I find, and put them through filters to make them even prettier. On top of that, other people who think my pictures are funny, then show an interest in my content! You sly old fox, you!
Making myself chuckle… My Instagram feed is an eclectic mix…!
Google +: Sorry, you’re weird. I just don’t get you. The shoe is on the other foot this time, and you stalk me. I agreed to check you out, gave you the once over, just didn’t get it, and decided you weren’t for me. Now you keep emailing me, asking if I know certain people, and if I’d like to ‘connect’ with them via you. The thing is, I do know them, but how do you know I know them, when I never mentioned them to you?? I may have to get you formally investigated if this continues.
Pinterest: Oh my goodness, you are such hard work. For a start, you are always perfect. As soon as I saw you, I thought I couldn’t possibly see you again, because you are are full of perfect images, which make me feel a bit dowdy. They make me doubt my posts, no matter how well dressed I think they are. You are always full of ideas for days out, and crafts for us to do, but I never have any of the ‘essential’ items for these ideas to hand, and you seem to think they would be things that every decent parent should always have laying around, and it makes me feel bad. I’m not sure I can keep seeing you, or if you do anything for me.
Twitter: Ssshhhhhhhh, I think you might be ‘the one….’ You have introduced me to some amazing people! Not only that, but you reward my shiny new posts with likes and retweets! Enough to keep me interested, but not too many! And you have introduced me to amazing parties, where other people like myself, come to show off their work-we all get to show it to each other, and our hard work is all worth it! I trust you, and I like you, you are steady and dependable. I think I love you twitter…. You win my social media speed dating contest!