So, we all know that there was once a mum who lived in the south of England. We know that she was married to a Keifer Sutherland lookalike. We know that in her household, nobody ever listened to a fucking word she said, or ate anything she cooked. We know that she has PCOS, which she is currently trying to kick the crap out of its carb hating/insulin resistant ass. We know that she tries to do this by sometimes #shabammingtheshitoutoflife.

Well, today’s story finds her on her way to #bodycombattheshitoutoflife. Except she arrives at the gym to find she *dramatic gasp* hasn’t shaved her armpits…

She is faced with several choices:
1. Turn around and go home. There is no place for female body hair in the gym.

2. #bodycombattheshitoutoflife with her arms pinned to her side. (That would be well worth filming surely.)

3. #bodycombattheshitoutoflife at the back of the room, and hope she isn’t mistaken for a gorilla during any of the punching move busting.

She scratched her head, and thought: WWGGD. What Would Germaine Greer Do?

Well, she’d probably not be at the gym for a start. She wouldn’t give a shit who didn’t like her wobbly, insulin resistant ass-she’d change it for no fucker.

If she did go inside, the woman mused that Germaine would probably strip off to her bra and knickers, and march in there all pubes blazing, plaiting her leg and armpit hair as she went, while singing ‘cast off the shackles of yesterday’ as per Mrs Banks from Mary Poppins fame.

She’d probably use her bikini line hair to make a rope to gag anyone who passed comment on her hairy status.

She definitely wouldn’t wear any makeup, and definitely wouldn’t suffer the same the woman once had, of going to a spin class with last nights makeup on, and getting to the car to find most of the mascara residing just under her eyebrows, and salty sweat streaks running through her foundation.

But, as the woman was a disgrace to feminists everywhere, she chose to ignore #WWGGD What Would Germaine Greer Do? And she went home. Oh well, at least it saved the double whammy embarrassment of possibly letting out a bit of wee during a round house, plus being mistaken for a gorilla.

On her way home she was telephoned by the Keifer Sutherland lookalike.

“Guess what just happened?????” He said, sounding horrified.

“What dear, it sounds terrible,” she replied.

“A client just said ‘you remind me of someone. Someone famous,’ and I said (probably with a swaggy point and a wink) I know, is it Keifer Sutherland, I get it all the time (probably a smirk in there at this point) and she said ‘no, I was thinking of DONALD Sutherland-his father’…”

The bit of wee that didn’t get to come out at body combat, then escaped at that moment, during massive amounts of giggling and snorting that ensued…ūüėāūüėā

The moral of the story? Invest in a cap sleeved gym t-shirt so that you can indulge yourself in never shaving your armpits while having the added benefit of¬†not being mistaken for a gorilla while basking in your own hairiness. And also, that at a certain age,¬†you will come to resemble the father of the celebrity you love that everyone mistakes you for, and¬†it will be¬†really bloody funny to your younger wife…!!¬†¬†¬†¬†

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Part of my new quest for a¬†life that doesn’t include constant stress headaches,¬†random all over full body tension pains, coupled with a need to¬†feel better about myself, and to quell¬†an¬†insatiable appetite for wine (well, anything that contained alcohol really, I wasn’t fussed. Even the out of date Saki I found in the back of the cupboard would¬†do, after a bad day,) was to step up my gym routine.

Thus far, my gym routine consisted of a bit of cross training, a bit of uphill walking, a bit of running if I had any energy left, then a few weights. I’d only do the weights section if it¬†was free of large, sweaty, beefy, scary looking men whose muscles looked ready to¬†explode in a steroid induced eruption, leaving muscle fragment and steroid residue splattering the gym equipment.

I wasn’t sure this routine was actually doing anything for me, I was doing it purely based on equipment that was free, and stuff I liked-there had been no consulting anyone. So I consulted someone. The general consensus for someone lacking in time, wanting to maximise calorie burning, was to do¬†spin classes. I sought a second opinion. The second, toned, tanned gym beauty sadly, agreed with the first-with the results I wanted + the time I had + exercise recommended for my medical issues =¬†spin was coming up trumps.

Even in the pre children days where I went to the gym a lot, I gave spinning a wide birth. It seemed to be an hour of no fun, and 100% torture. The people who did it seemed very serious. I’d always thought it wasn’t for me. But, as¬†I’d asked, and it had been recommended, I decided to give it a go. So, for anyone wanting to give spin class a go, here is a definitive guide of how not to do it!

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(NOT what I looked like doing it…)

  1. Do not spend the time you should be getting ready for spin class, dicking around on Instagram.
  2. Do not forget that because you dropped your children off at nursery what seemed like hours ago, that when you leave for spin class ‘in plenty of time,’ it will still actually be rush hour traffic.
  3. Do not run into the gym, and¬†ninja roll¬†to the place you think the class will be, only to waste more time¬†galloping back to reception to ask where it actually¬†is, because it wasn’t where you thought it’d be.
  4. With due diligence to not dick around on Instagram, and think that there will be less traffic at 9.30am, you won’t be two minutes late. If you are,¬†the spin instructor¬†will not ‘wait for five minutes for everyone to arrive,’ like you had anticipated.
  5. Don’t expect the very serious spinners in the class to not look at you like you’re an intruder, and have ruined their spin experience by being late-they will.
  6. In your haste to get dressed for spin because¬†of the pregnant women frolicking in the sea,¬†sleeping newborns in baskets, and Blake Lively stalking that you got caught up in, don’t choose a pair of workout bottoms that have a couple of holes in the bum area, thinking that if you wear knickers in the same colour underneath, it won’t notice. Just f***ing¬†don’t.
  7. Don’t expect that the¬†vest you choose, to go over the top, will hide the¬†camel toe you thought you noticed on your way out of the house. It won’t.
  8. Do invest in some serious sports bras, not some you bought in Giles Sports in 2002, when your boobs were 10 times smaller, and stood up by themselves.
  9. Don’t assume that the serious spinners will all want to be at the front of the class, and you’ll be able to slip quietly into the back. It seems that even geek spinners like to be cool at the back of the class. Expect the only seat to be near the tanned, impossibly toned instructor, who¬†will be¬†cross with you because you¬†are late.
  10. Don’t assume that even though you aren’t as fit as you once were, you won’t¬†struggle to keep up with the torture being inflicted on your legs and arse-the struggle will begin in the first five minutes, and you’ll be faced with the dilemma of walking out and being shamed in front of the class, or staying until the end, thus risking probable death.
  11. Don’t¬†expect that the whole class will be done sat down-most of it is done standing up on the bike. Therefore, your arse, wobbling enough to cause a minor earthquake, will be wobbling in the faces of everyone else in the class. This will make you go red and want to bring the imminent death brought about by exercising at a level way above what your heart rate can take, forward, to ease your embarrassment.¬†At least your face will already be puce from the exertion, and nobody will know which one it’s red about.
  12. Don’t pick up your water bottle if your hand is sweaty. You might want to¬†pretend you need a drink, just so you can sit down and slow down for a moment, but when your hand is sweaty, and you haven’t secured the top of your bottle properly, you will drop it, and the contents will¬†go all over the floor.
  13. Don’t pray that the instructor won’t notice that you are pretending to move up a gear when she is screaming ‘if you’re lower than gear 18, and not feeling the burn, THE ONLY PERSON YOU’RE CHEATING IS YOURSELF!!!!!!’ whilst looking straight¬†at you-she has definitely noticed. So has the person next to you, side eyeing your failure.
  14. Don’t mutter ‘thank f**k for that’ when the instructor is turning the music off. Everyone will hear.
  15. Don’t think that you will walk out of the class with any dignity intact. Your leg muscles,¬†in protest at the unnatural process you have just forced them to endure, will liquidate. They will render your dignified and graceful dismount from the bike useless, when they fail to take your full weight, and you collapse in a heap on the floor.

*There you have it, a definitive how NOT to guide!

**Sorry to anyone behind me in spin class that day, I’m sorry that your eyes won’t be able to unsee my gym bottoms splitting and revealing my granny pants-I truly apologise for any nightmares this has caused.