waiting to use the toilet with orlistat

Have you heard of Orlistat? If you haven’t, here’s a treat! If you have, poor you…

I haven’t updated my ‘Cysters Are Doing It For Themselves’ series for ages. This isn’t because I fell off the wagon, walking around with carbs and dairy dangling from every orifice, or chucked my gym shoes in the bin for being completely unhelpful in my bid for unfattydom (not a word, but I like it.) It’s partly down to laziness-I had big plans to type up recipes, and buoy up my fellow Cysters with tribal hollers of ‘we can fucking do this,’ whilst getting a hashtag trending, about empowering PCOS losers (in the weight loss capacity obvs,) to carry on the ‘fight’ and the ‘journey,’ and other empowerment buzzwords. But I lost impetus, and also went a bit batshit and needed a break from writing. It was also mainly because I had nothing much to add, as after the initial loss of 28lbs, there have been about three months where I’ve lost nothing.

Nada. Sweet FA. I’d tried moving the scales around the house, in the hope that one room would hold some voodoo power, and tell me I weighed less. I’d imagine weightlessness (jeez, the desperation,) when weighing myself, and try and lift all my bodyweight towards the ceiling. I even announced them to be ‘fucking faulty,’ and got myself weighed properly, only to have a tantrum of frustration to be told they were, in fact, correct.

So off I trot to the GP, to see if there is any straw clutching thing that can be done. And she prescribed Orlistat. If you don’t know what this is, it basically takes 1/3 of the fat you eat, liquefies it into fluorescent orange oil, and you crap it from your body. I know.

I sat there as she prescribed it, half devastated that this was the only option left to me (because my diet isn’t that fatty right?? I don’t need them, they’re pointless, right??) and half smug that I wouldn’t be shitting the contents of a room full of 80’s disco goers clothes, because my diet is so fucking good.

I tried to be optimistic. At best, the tablets would take whatever fat got through my diet barrier, and would help, at worst, I might get a slightly grumbly stomach (which happens if you aren’t eating enough fat, apparently.) It turns out that Orlistat doesn’t like salmon. It doesn’t like avocado. It doesn’t seem to like you cooking anything with olive oil. It waits like the omnipresent predator that is, and liquefies the tiniest bit of fat that happens upon its evil clutches, and evacuates if from your body before you can scream ‘SHART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Every single meal became a silent prayer for my sphincter muscles to brace. I needed to stick a military training officer up there to scream at it to toughen the hell up. If I needed to go, I had to GO GO GO. And getting there in time was the easy part-imagine your entire south region then being covered with an oily lava, that just won’t for the love of GOD, come off. ‘Why are you in the shower again mummy??’ became the biggest FAQ of every day.

I’m actually happy with my diet as it is, and I feel pretty unwilling to cut out anything more (haven’t I already lost enough-cheese, I really fucking miss you. Never has anyone understood me more.)  If I cut out the remaining good fats from my diet, I’ll basically be living on nuts, raw vegetables, and despair. Imagine if I ate a McDonalds with these bastards??? I’d illuminate the whole of Bristol with fluorescent lava, in one tiny bum pump.

Enough, I’m not taking them (although interestingly, after the first five days, the scales did finally shift in the right direction by 3lbs.) But I already have to wear a pad for body combat, because of the likelihood I’ll roundhouse, punch, and piss myself. Double incontinence at 34 is not on my bucket list, I don’t have time for this (literal) shit. If I continue like this, you might as well check me into a care home, write my care plans for my double incontinence, and call me Mildred. Orlistat, it’s been a blast (from my ass at least,) but I don’t wish to form any long lasting partnership here. Off you trot back to Satan’s asshole, or wherever it was you came from.

 

 

(Twisting-what I am currently unable to do…)

Thanks for the song title, Elton John, that just about fits in with my PCOS series! Yes, this cyster, is currently unable to twist (well, go to the gym,) because of flipping back pain… I’ve had back pain on and off since I was a teenager-too much dance practice, and then a career in nursing, has meant that a few times a year, my back just says ‘um, no. F**k this, we will not let you stand up straight, you will  hobble around like a lady approaching 100, with extreme scoliosis, and you will have shooting nerve pains in your arse and legs that will make you feel sick-until I say otherwise.’ Which is usually for about 2 weeks, then off it trots again.

It’s been two weeks, and it’s only really marginally better. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to make it to the gym next week or not. I’m making a massive deal of this issue, because I have only ever been able to shed weight, and maintain it, by exercising myself almost into oblivion. I’ve never been one of those people who can do it from good diet alone. So I’m massively pissed that this is hindering my weight loss, which was coming along much better than expected. It also makes looking after small, planky, tantrummy humans difficult too, but it’s the exercise I’m most bothered about.

I have lost 2lbs, taking the total up to 20lbs, but I really wanted to be well over 21lbs by now. I’ll just have to be patient, and wait until next week to see what happens. I also may have hindered myself a bit, by using alcohol for, erm, medicinal purposes a few times in the last 2 weeks of enforced resting. That’s another reason the gym is good for me-I find it really hard to train, if I’ve even had one drink the night before. Gone are the days where I could drink till the early hours, and still get up early and work out (the thought of that is making me dry heave,) so I need that extra incentive to avoid my relaxation and sanity juice.

I’ll leave it there, short and sweet, but I will add in that meal and recipe planner that I promised last time, sometime next week, for those who have messaged to ask for them!

So this happened: I’ve lost a stone. 14 whole lbs. Yes, me. It’s actually happened. (Ok, so my arse is still fat, but a few lbs less so, which definitely makes me less of a fat bottom girl.) This was also in spite of turning up at our friends house for Burns Night with a sheer determination that no neeps and tatties would pass my lips, and nor would any alcohol, before proceeding to eat all the neeps and tatties, and a load of cheese, and drink my body weight in alcohol (um, oops…!) I also went on holiday the following week, and had 2 glasses of wine, and 2 ciders in the hot tub when the children had gone to bed. It would’ve been rude not to, and there had to be some fun, because holidays with toddlers still really aren’t holidays are they (aka I really bloody needed it by the end of the day.) So yea, in spite of all that!

WELL HALLEFRICKINLUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly can’t believe it!

It means that…

After four years of the wrong information, and some serious frustration, I’ve finally found something that works.

Don’t listen when people tell you not to cut out certain foods-it might seem horrific to them, but if they’re affecting YOUR health, cut them loose.

Being insulin resistant doesn’t make it IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight. It just makes it really fucking hard.

GPs don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to diet-always see a dietician (even if you have to pay,) and do your own research/trial and error.

You can still have a blow out every now and again, and it won’t undo absolutely everything you’ve done (which was honestly my take on it.)

The direction of this series will change a little-I was sure it was going to be about me struggling to lose anything for weeks and weeks, but now it’ll hopefully be more celebration of success, and possibly needing to find solutions if I reach a plateau, or any other problems.

What I’ve been eating:

Monday 

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut granola with coconut milk and coconut yogurt.

Lunch: This has turned into my new favourite lunch, and I’ve had it every day this week…! Raw Veg Scramble-because I have cut a lot of foods out, and made my portions quite small, I want to eat more raw vegetables. So I put a load in the food processor, and keep them in the fridge in a bowl, ready to throw into meals. So for this, fry off half an onion, half a pepper, and some halved cherry tomatoes in some coconut oil and garlic. Add half a tin of tuna and cook for a little longer. Take off the heat, and add generous handfuls of the raw veg ‘grains,’ until you have the portion size you want. To add some flavour, I’ve mixed in a dash of rice wine vinegar, because it’s sugar free. You could use soy sauce, or balsamic vinegar, but both contain sugar (although pretty marginal to be fair,) and there is soy bean in the soy sauce. But the amounts you’d consume are tiny, and I’m not sure that it’d make any difference at all. It’s a really fab lunch option!

Dinner: Prawn and coconut curry with cauliflower rice.

Tuesday

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and spinach.

Lunch: Raw veg scramble.

Dinner: Courgetti with chicken in a mustard sauce.

Wednesday

Breakfast: Mixed nut ‘porridge’

Lunch: Raw veg scramble.

Dinner: Chicken and green veg fritters, with salad (I used to make these fritters with butternut squash, but since I have given up butternut squash, I made them with spinach and spring greens instead.)

Thursday

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut granola, with coconut milk and coconut yogurt.

Lunch: Raw veg scramble.

Dinner: I went out to dinner for a friend’s birthday. It’s the first time I’ve been in an Indian restaurant since I started this diet… I ordered mixed spiced vegetables, instead of rice, and had a prawn malabari-prawns in a coconut and coriander sauce. Without asking loads of questions, and not wanting to draw too much attention to myself, it seemed the best option to suit what I needed!

Today:

Breakfast: Skipped it (oops) as I was late getting children to nursery, then went straight to the gym.

Lunch: Raw veg scramble.

Dinner: Mr W has requested chicken lentil curry (even though we had curry last night!) so I will make that for him, but as I’m not eating lentils anymore, I’m going to have spiced vegetables, cauliflower rice, and chicken.

I haven’t done as much exercise as I’d like this week, due to Mr W’s work schedule, and I’ve been a bit under the weather-I hope to be back to splitting my vajayjay in spin, and peeing my pant in Shabam, next week!

The other articles in this ‘Cysters Are Doing It For Themselves’ series, can be found below.

PCOS Has Ruined My Life

A Change Is Gonna Come… Food And Exercise Changes I’m Making

Hey Cyster, Go Cyster, Soul Cyster, Go Cyster

Why Does PCOS Always Feel Like A Battlefield… Struggles I’ve Had This Week