waiting to use the toilet with orlistat

Have you heard of Orlistat? If you haven’t, here’s a treat! If you have, poor you…

I haven’t updated my ‘Cysters Are Doing It For Themselves’ series for ages. This isn’t because I fell off the wagon, walking around with carbs and dairy dangling from every orifice, or chucked my gym shoes in the bin for being completely unhelpful in my bid for unfattydom (not a word, but I like it.) It’s partly down to laziness-I had big plans to type up recipes, and buoy up my fellow Cysters with tribal hollers of ‘we can fucking do this,’ whilst getting a hashtag trending, about empowering PCOS losers (in the weight loss capacity obvs,) to carry on the ‘fight’ and the ‘journey,’ and other empowerment buzzwords. But I lost impetus, and also went a bit batshit and needed a break from writing. It was also mainly because I had nothing much to add, as after the initial loss of 28lbs, there have been about three months where I’ve lost nothing.

Nada. Sweet FA. I’d tried moving the scales around the house, in the hope that one room would hold some voodoo power, and tell me I weighed less. I’d imagine weightlessness (jeez, the desperation,) when weighing myself, and try and lift all my bodyweight towards the ceiling. I even announced them to be ‘fucking faulty,’ and got myself weighed properly, only to have a tantrum of frustration to be told they were, in fact, correct.

So off I trot to the GP, to see if there is any straw clutching thing that can be done. And she prescribed Orlistat. If you don’t know what this is, it basically takes 1/3 of the fat you eat, liquefies it into fluorescent orange oil, and you crap it from your body. I know.

I sat there as she prescribed it, half devastated that this was the only option left to me (because my diet isn’t that fatty right?? I don’t need them, they’re pointless, right??) and half smug that I wouldn’t be shitting the contents of a room full of 80’s disco goers clothes, because my diet is so fucking good.

I tried to be optimistic. At best, the tablets would take whatever fat got through my diet barrier, and would help, at worst, I might get a slightly grumbly stomach (which happens if you aren’t eating enough fat, apparently.) It turns out that Orlistat doesn’t like salmon. It doesn’t like avocado. It doesn’t seem to like you cooking anything with olive oil. It waits like the omnipresent predator that is, and liquefies the tiniest bit of fat that happens upon its evil clutches, and evacuates if from your body before you can scream ‘SHART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Every single meal became a silent prayer for my sphincter muscles to brace. I needed to stick a military training officer up there to scream at it to toughen the hell up. If I needed to go, I had to GO GO GO. And getting there in time was the easy part-imagine your entire south region then being covered with an oily lava, that just won’t for the love of GOD, come off. ‘Why are you in the shower again mummy??’ became the biggest FAQ of every day.

I’m actually happy with my diet as it is, and I feel pretty unwilling to cut out anything more (haven’t I already lost enough-cheese, I really fucking miss you. Never has anyone understood me more.)  If I cut out the remaining good fats from my diet, I’ll basically be living on nuts, raw vegetables, and despair. Imagine if I ate a McDonalds with these bastards??? I’d illuminate the whole of Bristol with fluorescent lava, in one tiny bum pump.

Enough, I’m not taking them (although interestingly, after the first five days, the scales did finally shift in the right direction by 3lbs.) But I already have to wear a pad for body combat, because of the likelihood I’ll roundhouse, punch, and piss myself. Double incontinence at 34 is not on my bucket list, I don’t have time for this (literal) shit. If I continue like this, you might as well check me into a care home, write my care plans for my double incontinence, and call me Mildred. Orlistat, it’s been a blast (from my ass at least,) but I don’t wish to form any long lasting partnership here. Off you trot back to Satan’s asshole, or wherever it was you came from.

 

 

(Twisting-what I am currently unable to do…)

Thanks for the song title, Elton John, that just about fits in with my PCOS series! Yes, this cyster, is currently unable to twist (well, go to the gym,) because of flipping back pain… I’ve had back pain on and off since I was a teenager-too much dance practice, and then a career in nursing, has meant that a few times a year, my back just says ‘um, no. F**k this, we will not let you stand up straight, you will  hobble around like a lady approaching 100, with extreme scoliosis, and you will have shooting nerve pains in your arse and legs that will make you feel sick-until I say otherwise.’ Which is usually for about 2 weeks, then off it trots again.

It’s been two weeks, and it’s only really marginally better. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to make it to the gym next week or not. I’m making a massive deal of this issue, because I have only ever been able to shed weight, and maintain it, by exercising myself almost into oblivion. I’ve never been one of those people who can do it from good diet alone. So I’m massively pissed that this is hindering my weight loss, which was coming along much better than expected. It also makes looking after small, planky, tantrummy humans difficult too, but it’s the exercise I’m most bothered about.

I have lost 2lbs, taking the total up to 20lbs, but I really wanted to be well over 21lbs by now. I’ll just have to be patient, and wait until next week to see what happens. I also may have hindered myself a bit, by using alcohol for, erm, medicinal purposes a few times in the last 2 weeks of enforced resting. That’s another reason the gym is good for me-I find it really hard to train, if I’ve even had one drink the night before. Gone are the days where I could drink till the early hours, and still get up early and work out (the thought of that is making me dry heave,) so I need that extra incentive to avoid my relaxation and sanity juice.

I’ll leave it there, short and sweet, but I will add in that meal and recipe planner that I promised last time, sometime next week, for those who have messaged to ask for them!

Return of the carbs, come on,
Return of the carbs, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a tune that is, and now I’ll probably be singing it for the rest of the day!! Ok, I mentioned that I’d been away at the weekend, and had drank my body weight in vodka, and inhaled carbs like I was told potatoes had become extinct. Yep. I did that. The weekend started so well too-the first meal we ate at lunchtime, came with potatoes, but I just gave them to my husband. Then in the evening, I said I was going to stick to vodka with soda water and lemon/lime (the actual fruits, not the cordial.) But this was rank, so I took the sugar hit and had vodka with cranberry juice. By the end of the evening, I think I’d actually forgotten that I didn’t eat carbs anymore, and the Golden Arches beckoned…!

The next day on the train home, I also ate a massive sandwich, because no M&S train station mung bean salad was going to make me feel less pukey-it was carbs or nothing. Also, at the start of this, I did say that I didn’t want to become one of those people, you know, the ones who can lever let go, and are total diet bores. I hade a fecking awesome weekend, and it was worth every carb!

I did have a slight (actually, temporarily bone crushingly massive) disappointment, when I got home to find I’d gained 2lbs. It just goes to show that with insulin resistance, the effects of steering away from the diet, are quick and completely merciless.

But… I got right back on it the next day, and I have weighed myself, and the 2lbs have now sodded off, taking another 2 with them, taking my total up tooooo……… 18lbs NOW LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoop for that! So the odd weekend of carbing it up, and bodyweight vodka drinking is actually ok (I suppose I should put some kind of disclaimer about responsible drinking in here? Well I didn’t , and I’m sure everyone needs a good shitfacing occasionally.)

I’ve discovered that I’m getting bloody fed up with cauliflower rice. I’ve been trying to eat more raw vegetables, and was trying a mixture of raw cauliflower, and raw broccoli. But although broccoli is one of my favourite vegetables when cooked, it’s actually just a bit bitter and overpowering, when raw. I’ve found that a mixture of savoy cabbage and spinach in the food processor, make the best the best rice alternative, occasionally with cauliflower mixed in, to mix it up a bit. I’m also aware that saying that makes me sound like one of those self righteous health freaks that I never thought I’d be, and like I have no life. The former isn’t true, although the latter may be…! Although this series is purely for people interested in weight loss, and to assure others that there are PCOS success stories out there, which if you google it-there are a serious lack of available.

I’ll write out a meal plan next week, I’ve still been modifying meals to make sure they contain no root veg, and also changed some other recipes I’ve been using, to make them a bit more interesting…!

So I’ll leave you with 18lbs lost, again, because even when I started this, I was sure I wouldn’t even lose 1lb. I was sure my body was screwed by hormones, metabolic syndrome, syndrome x, and all the other names that ‘impossible to lose weight’ falls under. It’s nice to not have to be resigned to being miserable anymore.

No, I didn’t meet marmalade down in old New Orleans, and I definitely didn’t eat any, because it contains too much sugar…!!

Anyway, I’m really running with the song theme for the titles of these posts, I’m not sure why, probably mainly for my own amusement!

So what exercise have I done this week?

Sh’Bam-this was entirely new to me, and I didn’t have a clue what it was all about. The description on the website was vague too. So, it’s like a Latin American dance class, with a few jumps thrown in for good measure. I love dancing, and I enjoyed it as a fun way to get moving, but it didn’t leave me feeling like I wanted to die, so I probably won’t do it regularly.

Spin-urgh… Still makes me feel a little vommy, but works, so I will keep going!

Circuits-I wasn’t a huge fan last week, but I can see that when I’m stronger, this will be a brilliant HIIT style all over body workout.

Body combat-I have just been this morning, I absolutely love this one!

Omnia-a torturous 45 minutes of weights/pulley things, planks and other core stuff. I could barely feel my legs afterwards. There was a (phew) waiting list for this next week, so hopefully there won’t be any space…!! (joke, kind of…)

I don’t have anything new planned for next week, I’m doing the same mixture of the above.

Food diary:

I’ve kept a diary of what works and what doesn’t-my husband is the main source of stuff not working! He wants to eat the same as me (I’m already making different stuff for the children usually, so making something different for me and Mr W is just ridiculous,) but he is just as fussy as them…

Friday 13/01/17

Breakfast: Quinoa pear porridge-this was AWFUL!! Sorry quinoa, I like you as a savoury food, but even pear couldn’t save your earthy taste from making a rank breakfast!

Lunch: smoked salmon and scrambled egg-what’s not to like!

Dinner: Vegan Mexican chilli bowl with lentils. Mr W hated it! Although I actually loved it…

Saturday 14/01/17

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and avocado-yum!

Lunch: Tinned tuna and steamed veg-a bit boring, but ok.

Dinner: Chicken lentil curry-definitely a hit with both of us!

Sunday 15/01/17

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and steamed veg-yum!

Lunch: Carrot sticks and home made houmous-this was ok.

Dinner: Lemon and chive courgetti with mustard chicken-spiralised courgette in a paleo lemon and chive sauce, with baked mustard chicken-this was really good!

Monday 16/01/17

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut paleo granola (made with cacao nibs, so no sugar, and nuts instead of oats) this was reallllllllllllly good!

Lunch: pumpkin soup-also really nice!

Dinner: Chunky veg and lentil soup-we both liked it!

Tuesday 17/01/17

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut granola (I made a big batch, so had it for breakfast for a few days)

Lunch: Pumpkin soup-homemade, it was nice!

Dinner: King prawn lentil curry-definitely a favourite!

Wednesday 16/01/17  

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut granola

Lunch: Pumpkin soup

Dinner: Squashetti and vegan meatballs-spiralised butternut squash, tossed in oil and thyme, and ‘meatballs’ made from lentils and black beans, and a homemade tomato sauce on the top. I actually predicted that Mr W would hate this (the ‘meatballs’ looked grey and really unappetising,) but he loved it, and I think it’s the best meal so far.

 

Thursday 17/01/17

Breakfast: Cacao and coconut granola

Lunch: salmon and avocado on rye bread (giving rye bread a try as it’s low yeast and low carb, but may omit it in the future.)

Dinner: Chicken and butternut squash fritters with salad-this was another really nice one!

Today:

So far I’ve had paleo nut porridge with almond milk for breakfast, which was nice.

Pounds lost: Only 1 lost this week… But in the reading of mainly depressing information that I do, I did read that when eating well and exercising hard, muscle is built quicker than the fat is burned, leading to a gain, or a plateau-apparently it’s the biggest cause of people giving up in first few weeks. The balance should eventually shift, to where the muscle is built at a slower, more even rate, and the fat loss begins to show. Fingers crossed! This might not be the same for me, because PCOS is a dick, but I’m hopeful!

I’m also using the My Fitness Pal app to track food too. Then I can input accurately, by actual weights, the food I’m eating, and the exercise done. And it shows how easy it is to go over your calorie allowance too-there have been days where I feel like I’ve eaten very little, but by time I’ve hit ‘day complete’ on the app, I only would’ve had about 180 calories left-just goes to show that adding in a couple of glasses of wine (sob,) could easily take you 500 or so calories over your allowance, and you have no idea.

Sorry, I’ve been rubbish at taking pictures of what I’ve been eating-I’ll try and remember to do this next week!