We’ve been having loads of work done to our house recently. It has required lots of people coming in to give us quotes, and a lot of sales pitches being thrown our way. Last week, this absolute gem of a sales pitch happened-I think it’s fair to say that it was a pure showcase of how to suck at sales! For no reason other than my own amusement, I’ve decided to present it to you in the form of a play script. Enjoy!
Synopsis: The main character, Lucy, has been invited out for the morning, with people she doesn’t see very often. She is excited. But her husband has arranged for someone to come and quote for something else to be done to the house. He was supposed to be there to deal with it, but as usual, has naffed off to do something ‘more important,’ (which of course isn’t to sit in his office drinking coffee and watching funny YouTube videos on his phone.) The husband has sent a polite text to the man coming to do the quote, to say that Lucy needs to be gone from the house by a certain time, but is more than sure that this will still give the man plenty of time to do the quote.
Jason: Salesman of the year.
Lucy: Frazzled housewife, excited by her unexpected morning outing. A bit flaky.
Lucinda: The voice in Lucy’s head, saying what Lucy ought to be saying.
The husband: Only heard as a voice on the phone.
Extras: Two small boys, no real part other than making a massive mess in the front room.
Setting the scene: The doorbell rings. Lucy jumps up to answer it, pleased that she is dressed, made up, and ready this early. Not pleased that the house is a tip, despite her continued efforts to the contrary. Enter Jason through the front door.
Jason: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jason.
Lucy: Hi! Come in, sorry about the mess! (laughs nervously.) Ok, so we were hoping you could do this (gestures) but upstairs in one of the bedrooms, if that’s ok?
Jason: Alright, do you want to show me?
Both go upstairs. Lucy shows Jason what work she would like done. Jason gives her two options and demands that she make up her mind NOW.
Lucy: It’s hard to decide without my husband here, could you quote for both options please?
Jason: (Huffs and puffs in a dramatic manner. Rolls his eyes HARD, like they’re actually going to roll out of his head. Mutters incoherently.)
Lucy: Oh, I’m really sorry… Ok, don’t quote for both then, um, just the first option will be fine…
Lucinda: Don’t fucking apologise to him-why can’t he quote for both??????
Jason: (with pure venom in his voice) So, do you just want to get out then??? You know, leave me be, because apparently I’m encroaching on YOUR day, YEA????
Lucinda: The FUCK YOU SAY??????????
Lucy: Oh, yea, sure… (scuttles from the room.)
Lucinda: What the fuck is this guys problem?? He seemed fine when he came in, he went from nought to maniac in the space of two seconds.
Upstairs, Jason is on the phone, now loudly complaining about Lucy to whoever is on the other end. Lucy has no idea why. Lucy’s phone rings, it’s the husband seeing how the quote went, and not at all drinking coffee and watching YouTube.
Husband: So, what did he say?
Lucy: (Whispering) I don’t know, he’s still here, and he just ordered me out of my own fucking bedroom really rudely, like, he just turned, it was really weird. And now he’s slagging me off to someone on the phone, and I have no idea why…
Husband: (also whispering) Whaaaaat??? What a dick, I don’t understand???
Lucy: Why are you whispering too? He can’t hear you, he can only hear me.
Husband: Oh yea! I’m whispering because you are.
Lucy: I don’t want him to hear me, I think he’s a bit psycho??
Husband: Tell him to leave
Lucinda: Yea, tell him to fuck off, we definitely won’t be using his company after this, so why let him stay?
Lucy: I don’t want to interrupt him, he might hurt me with his tape measure…?
Husband: Ok, phone me when he’s gone.
Lucy waits nervously for Jason to come downstairs again. When he comes down, he seems pleasant again for a second.
Jason: Ok, I’ll write these up for you, where shall I go?
Lucy points him in the direction of the kitchen.
Lucy: Sooooo, will you email the quotes to us later…?
Jason: (Suddenly looks venomous again.) NOPE.
Lucinda: This guy is definitely a psycho, retreat, retreat.
Jason is in the kitchen for ages, despite agreeing with the husband via txt, that he’d write the quotes up and email them, so that Lucy can go out. Lucy waits for as long as possible, beginning to wonder if Jason is deliberately taking ages because he has been told she needs to be somewhere… In the end, after now being phenomenally late, she asks him politely to leave.
Lucy: Errrr, I’m so sorry…
Lucinda: STOP fucking apologising!!!!!!!!
Lucy: But, um, if you could email us the quotes later, I’d be really grateful. I actually need to be somewhere else now…
Jason: (Looks at Lucy like he’d like to shoot her in the head. Starts angrily throwing things into a bag. Huffs and puffs, and in a final dramatic flourish, wordlessly pushes past her, and STOMPS down the hallway-deliberately banging into things-and slams the door behind him. He slams it so hard the house shakes, and the extras are momentarily distracted from mess making and rendered terrified.)
Lucy’s anxiety is at fever pitch.
Lucinda: Why can’t I get the ‘choose life’ speech from Trainspotting out of my head? Except I’m replacing everything with ‘choose not to be a twat, Jason.’ ‘Choose a job you like, Jason, choose a career you like, Jason. Choose not to come into someone’s home and make them feel uncomfortable, Jason…’ Such a great monologue that. Although, I actually think the monologue from Trainspotting 2 was better, but it was a shitter film… I’m digressing. He totally sucked at his job by the way…
End of scene. Lucy is a mixture of anxious and bemused, still wondering how Jason intended to get the quotes to her, as he had stomped from the house without answering her question. She wonders whether he was actually a salesman at all, maybe he was just a random posing as one. In any case, he totally showcased How To Suck At Sales!