Ways I Have Lost My Dignity Since Becoming a Mum

 

Ways I Have Lost My Dignity Since Becoming a Mum

1. Excess Hair

Ok, so when it gets to that part in The Gruffalo, where it reads ‘It’s The Gruffalo! Are you brave enough to kiss him goodnight?’ Instead of fighting over the book in an attempt to slobber all over The Gruffalo, my children are in grave danger of turning to kiss ME. I am actually starting to resemble The Gruffalo. My legs are lucky if they get a biannual shave, and even then I usually give up, because even the bravest of razors struggles to hack through the dense mass. If you flew a plane over my bikini line, you may just be able to spy one of those tribes, untouched by civilisation, shaking their spears at you, just wanting to be left alone in the forest they call home. Standards of grooming have slipped unbearably low…

2. My eating habits have become almost as disgusting as my children’s

One day I was jiggling a fractious Deep Thinker up and down on my knee, whilst simultaneously trying to eat a bowl of soup. I was STARVING. He suddenly took it upon himself to sneeze, straight into my bowl. Think actual greenies being propelled out of his nose and mouth, at incredible speeds, torpedoing straight into my barely eaten soup. I ate it. I was THAT hungry. I also think nothing of eating off the floor (shove the 5 second rule,) and have fished out chocolate from the children’s neck creases and eaten it before they have noticed what it is, and demanded it for themselves. With not having regular mealtimes, or time to eat by myself, I have to stoop to such lows in order to stay alive. It’s every man for himself.

3. My bladder is not what it was

Yes, we are all told in antenatal class that we need to be doing so many million sets of pelvic floor exercises per day, in order not be urine leaking cat ladies once our babies are out. A combination of really only being in antenatal class for the mummy friends, and working sometimes 14 hour days (the first time around anyway) where I barely got time to eat, let alone give my pelvic floor a fleeting thought, meant that I was going to be subjected to extreme loss of dignity in the future. Just after Deep Thinker was born, I came down with a chest infection, and coughed constantly. During my first massive coughing session, I wet the bed. As I was thinking that the peeing my pants was not going to happen for another 60 years, Tena Lady was not something I had readily to hand. So I put one of Deep Thinkers nappies in my knickers… Not just once, I did it routinely until I stopped coughing… Shameful!

4. My personal hygiene can be shady

There is absolutely no time in my life for shopping. Even if there was, Deep Thinker and Mini Assassin get fractious within seconds of entering a shop, and it doesn’t give me enough time to choose stuff. All they want to do at the shopping centre is try and throw themselves into the fountain there, so they are like wild animals trying to free themselves from the buggy to get to it. You get it, it’s hard. The issue is, I can’t fit into about 95% of my wardrobe. So not only will my brain not accept that I will probably never fit into my lovely clothes again (massive heaving sob,) coupled with the fact that I can never get to the shops, I am presented with very little to wear. So I often wear the same clothes for days, or fish clothes out from the washing basket, pick off the dried on snot and food, spray perfume on the armpits and crotch (just to be safe) and away I go. Oh how I mourn for the days where I left the house with my highlighted hair bouncing, my size 10 clothes clean, and everything plucked and waxed…

5. Things have come out of my mouth, which I’m really not proud of

Before children, I was quite shy, and outrageously British in being appropriate. After children, this no longer applies. At all. Once, I had been walking Deep Thinker for AGES in his pushchair (it was only place he would sleep during the day,) and he was overtired, screaming, and really struggling to nod off. I was tired, grumpy, and as I spent hours a day aimlessly walking him around, I was also in pain, as I’d injured my knee continuing with this debacle. He had just gone off to sleep, and I had just relaxed a bit, and slowed my pace. Just as I slowed down, a police car parked up on the side of the road suddenly turned on its lights and sirens, and started to pull away. But it didn’t even go quickly, it went at snails pace, with the deafening scream emanating from it, indicating that if it were a real emergency, it should’ve been going a lot bloody faster, and not hanging around making enough noise to wake the dead!!!! So, I saw red. I wanted to grab that policeman, wrap my hands around his neck, and squeeze the life out of him. And I ran down the road after the car, shouting ‘you f***ing c**t, you absolute complete and utter f***ing f**kface! Look what you’ve done!’ Wow, the irrationality of a tired mum knew no bounds… What a dreadful undignified chav mother I must’ve looked… I have also announced to the lady taking the money at soft play that ‘I would rather shoot myself in the head than carry on with this parenting malarkey,’ and told the lovely lady at the church playgroup door that free coffee just wasn’t going to cut it. I needed free vodka. These were only a few scarce moments of letting my guard down, in a tired, wine deprived haze, but my previous, extremely dignified self, would NOT have approved.

6. I am NEVER prepared

As with the afore mentioned non-existent Tena Lady issue, I also seemed to have forgotten what having a period is all about, and always feel shocked when I get one. I didn’t have one for 3 years, with the pregnancies close together, and with PCOS, so I seemed to just forget exactly what I need in order to deal with it. I’m ALWAYS making an emergency dash to the shop for tampons (usually whilst again wearing a nappy!!!) Our house always seems to be lacking in essentials. One time I had injured my back in a gym related attempt at getting back into my old wardrobe incident. Looking after the children was devastatingly difficult enough with the pain, without me having to make an emergency dash to the shops for nappies (this time for my actual children, there’s definitely a running theme here) because like the forgetful idiot I’ve become, I forgot to get any with that weeks food shop. I really needed pain relief to get me through the journey there, but didn’t have any. So, if walking hunched over the pushchair, moaning in agony wasn’t enough, I had to stop on the side of the road, in a pain induced panic about how I was realistically going to reach my destination. I suddenly had the massive brain wave that I had a bottle of calpol in the changing bag! A lifeline!! So, I sat there calculating that 100mg in 5mls meant that to get the adult dose of 1000mg, I would need 10 syringes of the stuff to feel the effect. So I sat there. On the side of the road. Syringing 10 actual syringes of calpol into my desperate mouth… Oh. My. Life.

7. Metformin does embarrassing things to your body

When I was pregnant with Mini Assassin, I became resistant to insulin. After numerous trips to the GP to try and work out what was wrong with me, this conclusion was reached, and I was prescribed metformin, a drug used to treat diabetics (I’m not diabetic, but the side effect of taking metformin is that it lowers insulin resistance.) Another side effect of metformin is that it causes unwanted wind, of gale force proportions. The GP explained that it might make my tummy a ‘little gripy.’ Try constantly gurgling, trying to let the foulest ever smell emanate from you, from the slightest ever movement. Thank GOD that when this happens in public, I can say in a loud theatrical voice ‘oh, I think someone needs a nappy change!’ (*secretly laughs a little*) But seriously? My husband has commented that it’s like an assassination attempt by German mustard gas… Enough said, I need to move on quickly.

8. Children do things they think are hilarious, which make you want to kill them

So, we are on holiday at the child infested, over populated destination that is Center Parcs. I’m grappling with both children in the pool changing room, as my husband has suddenly had to urgently dash off somewhere (he just needed to get away from the hell that was the changing rooms.) Mini Assassin is trying to escape through the big crack under the door, Deep Thinker is throwing our wet AND dry clothes everywhere, including next doors cubicle. Mini Assassin has made a particularly heroic Houdini bid for freedom, meaning that even though I had no clothes on, I had to open the door to try and grab him back in. Even though I thought I’d only need to open it just enough to fit an arm through, thus protecting my postnatal nudity (which NOBODY needs to see,) Deep Thinker suddenly thought it’d be hilarious to shove me from behind with all his might. I went crashing through the gap, landing in a heap on the floor, outside of the cublicle. For all to see. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

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39 Comments

  1. October 24, 2015 / 6:26 am

    I know I really shouldn’t be laughing but I am because I see myself in this post as well! Thank you- I reckon We are the normal ones!! Calpol and the change room!! Mine actually ducked underneath to the next stall and said “I can see someone in here mum” and I literally ran out of the toilet before that person came out. Loved your post x #coolmumclub

    • This Mum's Life
      October 24, 2015 / 3:49 pm

      I’m glad you laughed!! I had a chuckle writing it! And I’m glad you could relate to the stories!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
      X

  2. October 25, 2015 / 10:30 pm

    Hahaha yes so so true! I really can’t believe how I rush to shave my legs every week before H’s swimming lesson… Or more often than not, completely and utterly forget #coolmumclub

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:54 pm

      Yes, let’s make hairy the new cool!! Shaving is officially now for losers!!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  3. October 26, 2015 / 7:40 pm

    I hate to tell you this, but many of those things will always be true now. Motherhood changes you forever…… *witchy cackle*
    #fartglitter

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:57 pm

      You lie AD!! I refuse to accept that I will be a hairy, starving, perpetually unprepared beast for the rest of my life! Limping around, using the pushchair as a Zimmer frame, leaving a trail of urine in my wake?? Tell me this isn’t so??!!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to smash my dreams, I mean comment!!
      X

  4. October 26, 2015 / 8:07 pm

    Ha ha brilliant – I would have been joining you with a vodka at the church play group, you sound like my kind of Mum 🙂 Thanks for your brutally (brilliantly) honest post, I certainly laughed at your expense 🙂 #coolmumclub – you are in it x MMT

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:48 pm

      Yes! I have achieved ranks higher than I thought possible!! I am in the cool mums club! I’m so glad you liked it, and laughed!! Shall we take a hip flask of vodka to my local playgroup and see how it pans out??
      Thanks for reading and commenting!
      X

  5. October 26, 2015 / 8:55 pm

    haha! for much of this I felt like you were my actual diary, betraying me and sharing my secrets lol! #fartglitter

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:45 pm

      Yay!! Someone else who has suffered the same hideous fate at the hands of growing and getting a human out of you!! I’m glad you could identify!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  6. Ali
    October 26, 2015 / 10:06 pm

    Thankfully I did just enough pelvic floor exercises so as not to wet myself when I was laughing so hard reading this!

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:43 pm

      Ali! Hi!! Welcome to my secret confession site!! I’m sure your pelvic floor is as strong and toned as the rest of you! And you actually know me, I’ll never be able to look you in the eye again!!!! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  7. October 27, 2015 / 9:01 am

    Sometimes you just have to laugh so you don’t cry, right? I found number 5 particularly funny, because sometimes I also get mortified about the person I become on a lack of sleep. I think I’d benefit from recording myself and listening back but I jut couldn’t bear it. Thanks for sharing the hilarious truth #twinklytuesdays

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:41 pm

      I’m so glad it gave you a laugh!! I know, when I’m tired, the most awful things come out of my mouth! And I know when it’s really bad when my children repeat them back to me! It means they weren’t said low enough under my breath!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  8. October 27, 2015 / 9:27 am

    This is so funny! The person I thought I was before baby is totally not the person I am now. Shocking, but I wouldn’t have it any other way X #twinklytuesday

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:38 pm

      Ooh, I could totally live without my tummy overhang! But apart from that I (most of the time) wouldn’t change it! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  9. October 27, 2015 / 11:17 am

    Haha, this is brilliant. I’ve done most of these too. I forget you’re not supposed to announce a desire to murder your child to a stranger, and that you’re supposed to tend to your lady garden every once in a while. You’ve given me something to look forward to- I have no qualms about eating neck crease chocolate- yum!
    Thanks so much for linking up to #fartglitter x

    • This Mum's Life
      October 27, 2015 / 5:35 pm

      It tastes perfect sprinkled with neck cheese-the ultimate treat foraged from a child’s neck!!!! I’m glad you’ve done these too! Let’s start a movement to get peeing your pants totally socially acceptable!
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
      X

  10. October 27, 2015 / 8:39 pm

    Brilliant post, sorry to chuckle at you. I did also nod my head in agreement, yes I’ve done similar stuff, especially shouting at noise makers. Now, with baby 2, personal grooming is very minimal and needless to say is my house pride! The boy invited me to have some soup he had made “yes please, what kind of soup is it?” “crumb soup” the boy shows me a tiny bowl of varied crumbs. “would you like something on the side?” “Um, yes please, I’ll have some cheese” the boy scuttles off to the kitchen, searching the floor “wait a minute mum, I’ll see if I can find some” I told him not to bother, other than that I did nothing, utterly shameful!

    • This Mum's Life
      October 28, 2015 / 7:59 am

      Haha!! I’m so glad you are shameless about food covered floors too! Mine could also probably find entire meals from bits on the floor! So funny that your child looked on the floor first, and that the fridge or cupboards wasn’t his first port of call!! My house cleanliness is an ongoing source of shame to my mother and her impeccable standards…
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
      X

  11. October 28, 2015 / 7:37 am

    Ahhhahahaha! Yes to all of them!! Especially the hairy legs! It took me 3 razors to hack through my legs the other night!! #twinklytuesday

    • This Mum's Life
      October 28, 2015 / 8:01 am

      And it really is a hack isn’t it??! I gave up after half a leg the other day! The hacking was eating into my wine and Netflix time!!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  12. October 29, 2015 / 7:30 pm

    Aaargh!! The HAIR!! WHERE does it come from????? No-one tells you do they? I went on holiday for a few days with some girlfriends recently and was absolutely HORRIFIED about the hair that seems to have sprouted up from all sorts of places!! LOL! Will leave it to your imagination :/
    Thanks for linking up with us at #TwinklyTuesday

    • This Mum's Life
      October 30, 2015 / 6:32 am

      Haha!! I sometimes blame it on PCOS, but I know really that the supreme hairiness is down to sheer lack of time, and/or laziness!!!
      Thanks for having me at Twinkly Tuesday!!
      X

  13. October 29, 2015 / 9:58 pm

    Hope to see you again at #abitofeverything!

  14. October 30, 2015 / 10:13 pm

    Great read! I also suffer from many of the same embarrassments but my sense of humor is not up to making light of them. I had a good laugh over this though and at myself for having lower standards than I once did, funniest post I’ve read in AGES – thank you! #abitofeverything

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2015 / 8:31 am

      Yes! My mission has been achieved! I’m so glad you had a great laugh, it’s what I set out to do! 2 years ago I was too mortified by all of these things to have written them down for all to read, they were deep, dark, internal secrets. But as my standards have dropped, my sense of humour has compensated by going up! So here it is!
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  15. October 31, 2015 / 4:16 pm

    oh my! how very honest! haha! there’s a few there i can relate to!

    • This Mum's Life
      October 31, 2015 / 5:09 pm

      I’m so glad you can relate!! And I hope it made you smile! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
      X

  16. November 4, 2015 / 2:46 pm

    You are so cool! I don’t believe I’ve truly read anything like this before.
    So wonderful to find somebody with some original thoughts on this topic.
    Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up. This site is one thing
    that is required on the web, someone with a bit of originality!

    • This Mum's Life
      November 4, 2015 / 4:53 pm

      Thank you so much! I’m so glad you are enjoying my writing, your comments have brightened my day! Thanks for reading, and taking the time to comment!
      X

  17. November 5, 2015 / 1:39 pm

    Fab post! Becoming a mum has made me more slack with myself. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

    • This Mum's Life
      November 6, 2015 / 9:45 am

      One day… There will be time for waxing and haircuts and buying nice clothes and makeup… That time is just a looooong way off!!! Thanks for reading and commenting!
      X

  18. November 6, 2015 / 7:23 pm

    Great list! Can relate to most. thank you for linking up with #justanotherlinky

    • This Mum's Life
      November 7, 2015 / 7:35 am

      I’m glad you could relate! Thanks for reading and commenting!
      X

  19. November 15, 2016 / 9:22 am

    Ah I am do with you on all of the above! I can practically hear my prenatal self tutting at my new incontinent, scruffy, (knackered) self. Number 5 had me in stitches. I would have loved to have seen this! And then bought you a lovely big cup of coffee of course! X

  20. June 3, 2017 / 8:19 am

    Thank you so much for this intense giggle. Sorry to laugh but yes you couldn’t make it up. Love your honesty. This is real parenting.

    • This Mum's Life
      June 3, 2017 / 11:25 am

      Ha!! Thanks!! Yep-I never thought in a million years, that it’d be anything like this…!😆😆