There’s loads of things in my life that I’d like to change, the list is probably quite long. But, I’m prioritising-these are the four things currently on the top of my wish list of life improving change right now, that would really improve the quality of my life if addressed!
- My Husband’s Snoring.
This has seriously gotten out of hand-to the point of probable divorce if he can’t just STOP. BLOODY. SNORING. Mr ‘Decibel’ W (as his new street name will be,) can probably be heard by the hard of hearing living in Australia, such is the ferocity of the noise. The sofa is currently sporting his favourite pillow, and starting to show signs of indentation of a ‘Decibel’ W shape, where he spends most nights sleeping on it. I actually thought I was handling it quite well, but when I happened to ask him the other morning why the heck he was being such a mopey off hand git, he announced that he had actually been worried for his life when I’d kicked him out of bed the night before. It transpired that in a sleep deprived haze of being tortured by his incessant rumblings, when I thought I’d said ‘darling, you appear to be emanating a slightly irritating noise from your general face area,’ what I’d actually done was shouted ‘shut up, shut up, shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup, I hope when you’re on your way to work tomorrow a lion rips your throat out so I never have to listen to this racket anymore, now get oooooooooooooooooooooout.’ I’m sure he must’ve been exaggerating, as I can’t remember this happening, but if it’s having that much of an effect on my sanity that I’m lashing out like a crazed banshee who has had as much sleep as someone with a newborn baby, then we need to address it. Not even the thought of star fishing in the bed on my own is enough to want to keep ‘Decibel’ W on the sofa…
2. The Urban Fox Population.
Ok, so the urban fox population in our neighbourhood is getting out of hand. In fact, I think they’re plotting some kind of gangland takeover, and I’m waiting for the day they start hammering on my door asking for protection money. If it wasn’t enough that the Waitrose leftovers that they scavenge from people’s bins, clearly doesn’t agree with their stomachs, (judging from the splodgy messes they leave littering the streets for me to push my pushchair wheels through,) they are now trying to mark their territory by leaving massive steamers on my front door step. They are stepping way over the line here. In fact, I’ve come to think that they may be in cahoots with the local toddlers, as their behaviour is very similar: The foxes poo in inappropriate places, as do toddlers. They run around screaming in the middle of the night-I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve dashed out of bed thinking that one of my toddlers is having night terrors, only to see them both snoozing, and look out the window to see a pack of unruly foxes living it up, probably having a poo off, in the street outside. They also hover around next to you, staring you out, and you get a bit freaked out, not knowing which way it’s going to go-a few times I’ve been coming home from the pub, and there has been a fox (probably the leader of the fox mafia,) staring at me while I nervously try and get the front door open. It’s like when I’m in the kitchen anywhere near the snack cupboard, I get stared out by the toddlers, and I don’t know if they will turn around and go back to what they were doing, or launch a full on attack on me until they’ve seen the entire contents of the cupboard. Finally, I find myself doing a Bristol Stool Chart analysis of the fox’s poo, just like I do with my toddlers. They’re basically the animal form of toddlers. I wish them no harm, I just can’t help thinking my life would be easier if they were living it up in the countryside somewhere (the foxes, not my toddlers,) where they wouldn’t launch a tirade of tyranny on the innocent residents of the city ‘burbs.
No 4: Toddlers and Foxes on a normal day. No 7: Toddlers and Foxes after a Waitrose binge.
3. I wish WordPress wouldn’t be such a dick.
Seriously, why do I feel like I need a Ph.D in categorising, a Masters in menus and navigation bars, an honours degree in plugins and widgets, and a nobel prize for coding, just to write a flipping blog post. WordPress is responsible for 90% of my grey hairs, wine consumption, number of swear words per minute, and need for diazepam, since it took over as the most stressful thing in my life next to being a mum. There must be someone out there who can make all of this just a type and go situation. In fact, scrap the snoring as the cause of divorce, I think ‘reason for divorce: WordPress,’ might just be the first divorce in history to go down this way…
4. I need season 6 of Girls not to be the last one.
If you haven’t seen this show, please watch it! Watch it now!!!! It hasn’t even finished yet, and I’m already in that haze of mourning, like when I finished the final Harry Potter book. That feeling of wandering around, with a void so complete you feel like you’ve lost a limb. Already planning on binge watching all of it again and again, until you know it by heart-like Friends,-but that still won’t be enough. I may write begging letters/stalk Lena Dunham until she gets out a restraining order against me, until she agrees that she will continue the show indefinitely. I have never laughed so much, or looked forward to watching anything more, than this show.
That concludes my wish list! If these top four things can be rectified, that will make me extremely happy!!
Thanks for reading!