Our whole lives we have been subjected to Superheroes, these fantastical characters, who transport us to another world with their superhuman abilities. We want to be them. We want those powers, to make our lives better. We want to marry them (I would NOT say no to Wolverine, at any time. I’d leave my husband for him, without question.) But, it’s a little known secret, that when you become a mum, you absorb all the superpowers, of all the superheroes in the world, ever!! Thus totally kicking the ass of the likes of Wonder Woman, Storm, Superman, and Daredevil, the Super Mum has more superpowers than you all put together. Let’s explore the evidence…
Professor X (X-Men) possesses incredible powers of telepathy. But so does the Super Mum, because let’s face it, unless you have extremely honed telepathic abilities as a mother, you’re screwed. A Super Mum can pre-empt any toddler tantrum, she knows when it’s coming, because she just does. The same as she can predict if you are about to spill your drink/food all over yourself. She knows if you are lying, are having a hard time, or really were the one who pinched your brother before pushing him so that he fell off the sofa-she knows he didn’t bump himself on that toy, then just randomly fall, like you said. Super Mum knows everything.
Daredevil thought he was a badass because he could beat the shit out of people, and hold down a full time job as a lawyer, all while being blind. But he hasn’t met Super Mum. As well as being psychic, she can also get up in the middle of the night when you are crying, go downstairs (she knows what you want because she is psychic) and get whatever it is you are asking for. She will then find you, give you what you need, soothe you, and make sure you fall back to a peaceful slumber, all in the pitch black, without switching a single light on. Thus avoiding waking the other members of the household, and preventing world war three. She will weave her way around the house like a stealth ninja, and make no noise while on her mission. Is that all you’ve got, Daredevil?
Cypher (X-Men) had the gift of omni-lingual translation. Well, he has nothing on the Super Mum. She laughs in his face with her ability to speak Newborn, Baby, Toddler, Tween, Teen, Husband, Disgruntled-Childless-Friend-Who-Doesn’t-Understand, to name but a few languages. She is fluent in them with no prior training, and translates them with ease.
The Hulk thought he had it all, with his superhuman strength, stamina, and endurance. He knows nothing. The Super Mum’s strength knows no bounds. She can carry her double buggy up a flight of steps, with or without the children in it. She can haul it into the roof box of the car with one hand. She can wrestle and grapple with small people all, day, every day, and still go to the gym in the evening. She has the stamina to endure monotonous toddler groups, play dates, trips to the park, and endless children’s birthday parties, all whilst sober. That’s f**king stamina hulk, you pussy. She can endure hours of screaming and endless negotiations, and days that will feel like they will never end. That’s endurance.
Wonder Woman becomes Wonderless Woman, compared to the Super Mum. There she is, swinging her Pocahontas hair, her Victoria’s Secret boobs, and her Dita Von Teese waist. She thinks she’s amazing with her supersonic hearing, vision, and speed. She thinks being able to communicate with animal makes her the bomb. Well, Wonder Woman, the Super Mum can don her best bra, lifting her saggy boobs from sweeping the floor, and pick out her best spanx, and give you a right run for your money. She communicates with babies, toddlers, children, that makes communicating with animals a walk in the park. She can regenerate her child’s broken skin with one kiss. She can hear her child crying in a room full of screaming children, high on sugar. And she can fly to her child’s aid with the speed of a cheetah. She puts you to shame, Wonder Woman.
During a single visit to soft play, the Super Mum would outwit the powers of several combined X-Men superheroes. She has the power of Darwin to adapt to any soft play situation/disaster. She has the climbing ability of Lizard Man, climbing and lifting her children up endless ladders, to come down rubbish slides. She can create multiples of herself better than Multiple man, so that her children needn’t ever be alone at any time, even when they are at opposite sides of the soft play. She displays the hypnotic mind control of Silver Fox, in order to get her children to leave willingly, and emits beams of force from her beady eyes, telling her children they are in trouble, with one look, better than anything Cyclops can muster. And on the way home, she shows better weather manipulation than anything Storm could do, by convincing her children it’s raining when it isn’t, just so they don’t have to stop at the park…
This one’s dedicated to all the Super Mum’s out there! Well done for kicking ass!!
Thanks for reading!
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